Tuesday, January 27, 2009
2.49am on the second day of the Lunar New Year.
I realized I haven't been blogging about things in general when there are quite a few things floating in my mind. First, it's my apparent introvesion. I mean I am still as noisy when I am around people but somehow, I get very catious of what I say. A more apt description would be that, I start to re think of things I say to people and wonder if I offend them. It is as though I don't trust myself to offend other people anymore. The cause of this is not unknown, but it's pretty inappropiate to share on a public platform. In any case, as much as I am glad for company during lecturers (and thanks God for that), I seem to derive more satisfaction either being alone or with my dear cousin Sarah Jane. Somehow she can't seem to be offended, or maybe it's just cause I know her too long. But that's about it. And nowadays I keep wondering if I speak too much at certain occasations and sometimes I just feel like shutting up altogether. But somewhere in my mind I am being ticked to talk and I feel bad all over. Maybe it's because I am innately someone who likes to talk? Or I am being so cheery and talkative for so long that my mind needs time to readjust to the quiet side of me?
And speaking of readjustment, honestly, while I am pretty introverted recently, I realized that this particular Christmas/CNY has been exceptionally emotional to me as well. It's not that I never felt like that before but rather, due to my relations to a certain someone, I was taught to feel, for real, not in my imagination. When someone tasted the joy of companionship, loneliness becomes suddenly, very acute. If I can ever quantify feelings, I don't think the quantity ever changed but rather my perception of it changed. The empty train on my way home on CNY eve only reminded me how everyone had a nice big family to go back to on this traditional festival while for me, it's just me and mum. Actually just me.
Sometimes I wonder why I am so jealous of things like that. I think it's not that I deeply desire sometimes? Perhaps it's a, why everyone has and I don't mentality. I don't like to be around too many people anyway. I am the happiest, I realized, when I am with one or two friends who can just keep talking with me. But somehow, besides Sarah (the two of them) everyone else can't seem to sustain a conversationb with me proper unless I am in big group with them because someone will sustain a conversation.
A friend once commented that I should have went to SMU instead of NUS. I smiled. Perhaps the old me should have went to SMU but right now? I just want a break from big social settings and spend some time with my friends and books. The beauty of FASS is that I love everything that I do minus Stats and there are so many readings to be cleared that I can just happily read and read and read which is of course a really good way to kill time.
And today I spent a couple of hours (4 i think) reading WW2 and another two hours (not sure) reading Coraline and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It's actually a very satisfying way to spend time actually.
Oh, on a side note, a friend came to me yesterday and said I was strong for I am still standing after all that is happening to my family. I smiled and I said, no, I am not strong. I run. I leave things behind and I move on. That's my form of closure sometimes. And there are days where I wonder whether this is a good way to close, but I guess, it's the most painless way to close for me. I am sure that years down the road everything will be fine so why should I bother now?
Innocence
2:49 AM
