Sunday, April 30, 2006
Exodus 7 – NIV
3But I will harden the Pharaoh’s heart and though I multiply my miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt, 4 he will not listen to you. Then I will lay my hand on Egypt and with mighty acts of judgment I will bring out my divisions, my people the Israelites. And the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I stretched out my hand against Egypt and bring the Israelites out of it.Oh yes. How could I forget.. This is the exact same thing that God showed me that time not too long along when I was struck with some sickness (which I don’t remember exactly, I think it was the wisdom teeth thing).,Father spoke to me today and He said so much to me, it brought me here in awe of him all over again .
He said give it my best fight with the Holy Spirit in me. He said, even if it doesn’t work out, it’s not fault at all, but rather, it’s because He wants his miracle to flow into the school. For He might harden the hearts of those in authority so that He could “multiply my (His) miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt” to show the world that He is truly alive. He said do not fear, because His will will be done and He loves me, and He will rescue me.
He said no one could put me anywhere that He doesn’t want me to be at and even if it might be somewhere that I might not like it personally, it’s still a place for God’s miracle to set in. No matter where he place me, it is where His miracle would be at. For my presence, my breathing, my thinking, my feelings are all his miracle. I am his miracle. I don’t need a miracle to get through all these, but rather, I will be the miracle that will get through this.
Because I am the temple of the Lord and the Lord will live in me. No matter how destroyed I may be during the battle, the battle is the Lord’s and because it’s the Lord’s battle, it would be won. And when it is won, it’s when I will be healed. I would not run away because I was being destoryed, but I will stay here and wait patiently, though it may hurt in the process, but it’s through pure faith that I know I would be healed.
And at the meantime, I would let God’s miracles work. It might be hard on my part, but I would cling on to the Lord’s promise and believe. For I know, even the Lord seem to have forsaken me for now, He never will. And when after a long opposition through human strength , I still return to the Lord’s path, that’s when they will see that God is a the Lord Almighty and the true God that reigns. For this is the God who created the world and everyone single one of us, He is the great I am and nothing can go against him. Most importantly, the world will see that He is real.
The Lord’s miracle will sustain me.
And I do not have to do any extra fighting on my own, the Lord will fight for me, I just need to be willing to let him fight. And today I proclaim to the Lord and the world that, I will be the tool of the Lord, the tool that He would pick up and fight. And I say I would wait patiently for the Lord never disappoints.
Innocence
4:05 PM
Friday, April 28, 2006
What is the point of cheering for the school teams? Or organizing activities to promote school spirit? I look around the school, people are still broken, people are sill suffering, people come of ACJC unchanged, their souls still broken, they got nothing besides knowledge in their 2 years in ACJC.
Then what’s the point of staying at council?
I rather administer to the souls of AC. So that they will leave the school changed and filled. I want to remember my two years at AC as one that was God-filled and not work-filled. I don’t want to be remembered as someone who was actively involved in school. I want to be remembered as someone who made a difference in someone’s life.
Innocence
11:05 PM
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Expectations
This is my weakness. It’s something that I had always thought had been a third praty, passive thing. I always find myself looking at events and telling another person, it’s all about perception or how abput don’t set soe much expectations for yourself and others etc.But expectations revealed itself in another way in my life.
The root of all and all, of all the hatred, of all the unforgiveness all boils down to one word – expectations. And of course love. I stand in the belief that God is love and love is the crust for a believer of Christ for everything comes down to the word. Maybe one of these days I would write about God’s love. But for now, I am on expectations.
I find myself thinking, finding what was my problem with S. I admit I am too complicated for my own good sometimes, but the main point is, I find myself only feeling the after effects of some form of hurt that was manifested in cyncism to each other, some form of hatred, even some form of fear. We are so scared to be friends with each other. But why? Expectations. The word ‘FRIEND” in itself denotes more than what meets the eye. We have a citrea for a friend. But the question is whoever said that a friend cannot talk behind your back? Whoever said that a friend can’t look down on you? Who says friends must love you for who you are? It was a definition that was man made and now because you have treated this person as your friend, he or she had to conform to these “definitions” and uphold these “expectations” as a friend. And once they don’t do so, we get upset.
Too abstract? I will take myself as an example. Me and S are good friends since sec 3, in fact BEST friends, we were like literally sisters and following each other in and out everywhere. Her parents knew me and mine knew her. Now since we are good friends, I became upset because she didn’t share my joy when I got good grades, she didn’t want to do what I wanted to do, she wasn’t been really considerate to me but saying things that hurt me and blah blah blah and I just blew up one day.
To one it may seem normal (I mean that’s how many relationships ended right) but what made me stopped was the question. What is a best friend? I can list down traits after traits but are these traits just our selfish desires? They are just what we want, what we wish to see in someone that is in place to care for us. AS the days dragged on, we forget that the true essence of friendship and love was purely love, was just plainly caring for each other. So what if that person backstabbed you? So what if that person irritates you? Do we get friends to fulfill our heart’s desire, our expectations for someone or do we have friends so that WE can take care of them? And they don’t do it, we get upset. We keep it inside. Then it becomes hate.
I am now staring at my own words and pondering. I would pray for the Lord’s forgiveness for all the hatred, for all lack of love I have for her. I am sorry Lord for losing that pure care and love I had for her and Father, would you help me find this back. Let her be my friend ,be my sister-in-Christ so that I can love her. Let not what she do carve my feelings, but what I have been doing for her. Let me not be concerned about what she is doing it, whether it would me make me happier or would it build me or would it help me, but rather let me see things a new perspective. Let me be concerned about whether I am making her happier, whether I am building her up and whether I am helping her. And if there is anything that is inadequate, Lord please fill me with your glory that would cover all of that.
Oh father, I pray to forgive though I know I still can’t, but I know that Father you would guide me through all these and I know that because of your grace I will emerge unharmed by the devil. So I thank you in advance oh Father. In Jesus’s name I pray, Amen.
What actually made me realize was not really from S herself but things that happened today. I found myself saying that “I wish my friends would show me some real love, care and concern instead of trying to raise me up in their grand plan etc” I admit it, I am upset. I still am by my two very very close buddies. Why am I upset? Because they weren’t showing the care that I wanted them to show me. I wanted to be hugged by them and say that everything was alright, I wanted them to just hold my hand and guide me along. But no, they showed me their love in a utterly different way and I couldn’t take it. I was upset because I couldn’t get my way.
Then it came to me (and I am guessing it’s from God), how much do I care about them? I care about them a lot too. Did they like it? Did it addify them? Did it help them? I wasn’t too sure. Then it really came to me, Friendship isn’t about me, it’s about him/her and both of us. I should instead going around and shine for them because they are my sisters and brothers in Christ. Not mourn her because they did not care about me, for the meaning of friendship is lost once I felt like that.
I find myself heavily digressed from the topic of friendship, but never mind, that doesn’t matter. I would say this is one my very un smooth piece, there were so much things that ran through my mind that I typed, so many different insights, emotions and events. And everything I have wrote is in a big mess.
What I really learnt is, drop all expectations. Give them all toy God. Don’t expect anything from others. For the more you expect, the more upset you will when you don’t get what you wanted and as the thing goes, everything just drifts away.
Friendship is about I loving the others not others love me.
This is my weakness. It’s something that I had always thought had been a third praty, passive thing. I always find myself looking at events and telling another person, it’s all about perception or how abput don’t set soe much expectations for yourself and others etc.But expectations revealed itself in another way in my life.
The root of all and all, of all the hatred, of all the unforgiveness all boils down to one word – expectations. And of course love. I stand in the belief that God is love and love is the crust for a believer of Christ for everything comes down to the word. Maybe one of these days I would write about God’s love. But for now, I am on expectations.
I find myself thinking, finding what was my problem with S. I admit I am too complicated for my own good sometimes, but the main point is, I find myself only feeling the after effects of some form of hurt that was manifested in cyncism to each other, some form of hatred, even some form of fear. We are so scared to be friends with each other. But why? Expectations. The word ‘FRIEND” in itself denotes more than what meets the eye. We have a citrea for a friend. But the question is whoever said that a friend cannot talk behind your back? Whoever said that a friend can’t look down on you? Who says friends must love you for who you are? It was a definition that was man made and now because you have treated this person as your friend, he or she had to conform to these “definitions” and uphold these “expectations” as a friend. And once they don’t do so, we get upset.
Too abstract? I will take myself as an example. Me and S are good friends since sec 3, in fact BEST friends, we were like literally sisters and following each other in and out everywhere. Her parents knew me and mine knew her. Now since we are good friends, I became upset because she didn’t share my joy when I got good grades, she didn’t want to do what I wanted to do, she wasn’t been really considerate to me but saying things that hurt me and blah blah blah and I just blew up one day.
To one it may seem normal (I mean that’s how many relationships ended right) but what made me stopped was the question. What is a best friend? I can list down traits after traits but are these traits just our selfish desires? They are just what we want, what we wish to see in someone that is in place to care for us. AS the days dragged on, we forget that the true essence of friendship and love was purely love, was just plainly caring for each other. So what if that person backstabbed you? So what if that person irritates you? Do we get friends to fulfill our heart’s desire, our expectations for someone or do we have friends so that WE can take care of them? And they don’t do it, we get upset. We keep it inside. Then it becomes hate.
I am now staring at my own words and pondering. I would pray for the Lord’s forgiveness for all the hatred, for all lack of love I have for her. I am sorry Lord for losing that pure care and love I had for her and Father, would you help me find this back. Let her be my friend ,be my sister-in-Christ so that I can love her. Let not what she do carve my feelings, but what I have been doing for her. Let me not be concerned about what she is doing it, whether it would me make me happier or would it build me or would it help me, but rather let me see things a new perspective. Let me be concerned about whether I am making her happier, whether I am building her up and whether I am helping her. And if there is anything that is inadequate, Lord please fill me with your glory that would cover all of that.
Oh father, I pray to forgive though I know I still can’t, but I know that Father you would guide me through all these and I know that because of your grace I will emerge unharmed by the devil. So I thank you in advance oh Father. In Jesus’s name I pray, Amen.
What actually made me realize was not really from S herself but things that happened today. I found myself saying that “I wish my friends would show me some real love, care and concern instead of trying to raise me up in their grand plan etc” I admit it, I am upset. I still am by my two very very close buddies. Why am I upset? Because they weren’t showing the care that I wanted them to show me. I wanted to be hugged by them and say that everything was alright, I wanted them to just hold my hand and guide me along. But no, they showed me their love in a utterly different way and I couldn’t take it. I was upset because I couldn’t get my way.
Then it came to me (and I am guessing it’s from God), how much do I care about them? I care about them a lot too. Did they like it? Did it addify them? Did it help them? I wasn’t too sure. Then it really came to me, Friendship isn’t about me, it’s about him/her and both of us. I should instead going around and shine for them because they are my sisters and brothers in Christ. Not mourn her because they did not care about me, for the meaning of friendship is lost once I felt like that.
I find myself heavily digressed from the topic of friendship, but never mind, that doesn’t matter. I would say this is one my very un smooth piece, there were so much things that ran through my mind that I typed, so many different insights, emotions and events. And everything I have wrote is in a big mess.
What I really learnt is, drop all expectations. Give them all toy God. Don’t expect anything from others. For the more you expect, the more upset you will when you don’t get what you wanted and as the thing goes, everything just drifts away.
Friendship is about I loving the others not others love me.
Innocence
9:43 PM
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Had this urge to type some things out since.. Monday? It has been a rainy season and the rain sure have made me more sentimental and more emotional, and together with this a period of spiritual downness and dryness. I wouldn’t say it was dryness but more of downness.
For the 3rd or 4th time I will regurgitate the story again, but briefly this time. I was thoroughly shaken on Friday because of me and S. Perhaps the question was why was I so shaken? Perhaps I was the one who exaggerated the whole issue although to make it sound as though I was desperartely in need of some attention for some friends. Maybe it’s just God’s test. Maybe I was just being spastic. I am upset, I still am, but my inability to solve this problem and yes as I type this I see the reason why. I desperately want to forgive because I want to be clean with God. But no, God isn’t a task to be fulfilled. I wanted to move on, I wanted to get this issue over and done with. Face it, I wasn’t sincere enough. I just wanted to forgive for the sake of forgiving and because God says so. Because everyone said that I wouldn’t move on if I don’t forgive, so I forgive because I want to move on to other “greater” things.
And I should know it well enough that that’s not the reason. The reason we forgive is because God forgave us. We forgive for God’s sake, because we love God. We forgive because we want to love our brothers and sisters just as Christ did. They say we must be imitators of Christ but why do we imitate God? We imitate God because we want to be like him. Why do we want to be like him? I am stuck. Things like “because God is perfect” is too cliché an answer to be even taken into consideration. Maybe the best answer I can give now is because we love God. We want to become what we love so that we can love the one we love more.
How to forgive. The answer is a simple 2-line. First confess to God. Two, let God bring you to revisit the pains and hurts and from there surrender all. How easy can this be? So easy that I am still stuck at the fact that I am unwilling to even step out too far to let God bring me into the hurts.
It was now that I realized, the main problem is that I know too much facts on my hands. I know so many methods, but just like a scientist who does not do experiments, my facts are just 2D, dead facts that will remain silent. To make the facts alive, to make the verses of the bible truly speak, we need to experience. And now I see the problem.
I just can’t venture into my hurts.
Then my dear Mich came along. She told me something very important. “Do not venture out until you are sure that God is with you” Now, that meant something. My focus had been wrong all along. First and foremost, I did not do the forgiveness business truly from God’s perspective, but more for a secular reason (I would say a secular reason wrapped in spiritual package) Which just reiterates that I need to pray and talk to God. Forget about the time limits and all the things that S said. Just as Esther told me, it’s between me and God. And as a silent prayer, I would pray :
God would You do Your work in me. I don’t know what you have planned and what you would come my way. But I know for sure that Father, whatever that you have planned is going to prosper me and not harm me. I place my trust in you oh Lord Father. Come into my heart and take the rightful throne once again and fill me with your peace and your love.
And Father, although I don’t exactly know what is going on, I do know that I do harbour some form of unforgiveness to S and I would pray that Father you would show me exactly how, for father I have never dealed with this in my entire life before. I do not know what to feel or what to do, but I know that you would guide me in Your grace. Father, guide me along this path of forgiveness and Father, empower me so that I can revisist the past or do whatever that is needed for forgiveness knowing that you are at hand.
Father, give me the courage to walk out and not run away. Hold me tight Father, so that I can’t run away from the pain and the hurts I am going to face. May I not exit but instead move in closer. I pray for my heart to be soften, ears open and eyes opne so that I would see feel and hear what You want me to do and Father, give me the courage to do it.
Father, let me remember that all that I am doing, I am doing it for your love because I love you and You loved me. Let me not go astray and let me walk even deeper in the radius of your love.
Oh father how I long to be speak to you face to face..
In Jesus Christ’s most precious name I pray, Amen.
Innocence
11:41 PM
