Sunday, November 30, 2008
Blog skin changed.
Yes, I am back to my emo self again. I hope it dies down soon but oh well. The current trail of thought that keeps coming to my mind is simply the fact that the world is indeed self serving and selfish. And yes, that kept me thinking back about my own failed relationship. I don't know, I just feel so filthy nowadays that I just don't wanna do anything.
24 hours more.
Then I can sit and rot away without thinking about anything else.
Let me..
Die away.
Innocence
2:32 PM
Friday, November 28, 2008
You are the arrogant one Espada.
But you will not lose because of it
You will lose purely because of the gap between our powers.
-Kuchiki Byakuya, Bleach Epi 196
Innocence
1:41 PM
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I am supposed to be mugging biodiversity. SUPPOSED. Until I got super inspired to blog so I decide I better do before the inpsiration fades away.
回忆不跟你走
都积在我心中
我就有责任让它值得被珍重
It takes time to forget a relationship isn't it. But maybe, the key to it it's not that I should forget, but since the memory is with me I have the responsibilty to uphold it and keep, to make sure that it remains a piece of uncorrupted memory, a part of me, shaping me to be who I will be in the future. Of course running away and pretending to forget is the easy way out (at least so it seems) But take it from me, it is easier to confront and reconcilate. Because reconcilation lasts a life time, running away just prolongs the time. And by the time you try to look back at yourself, you realize that what was meant to build you up had become a virus that scarred you for life. Things always happen for a reason. And the most important thing about things happening is whether we can get up from it. Afterall, things ALWAYS happen. But not everyone gets up. So the life skill here is how to face the problem and solve it and not how to run away from the problem coz, trust me it does no good.
I am firm believer of crying, grieving and being angry about what's happen. Psychologists do say that humans need to let out their emotions if not they become "bottles" and when they explode, it's hydrogen bomb scale already. But after the whole period of screaming and crying, that's when we need to stare at the problem in the face., figure out what went wrong and move on. Always, always appreciated that it happened. Not, WHY this happened to me? But rather, THANK YOU for letting this happening. No one grows in a bubble. You need to fall to get stronger.
谢谢你曾让我难过
Yes, thank you for making me tear, thank you for making me cry in anger. Because if I always am gonna be so immune to everything, I have lost what it truly means to be human. Everything has a flip side and because humans can sense joy and happiness, it is inevitable that they will sense sorrow as well. It's part of the human experience. A picture needs shades of grey and black to make it complete as well, and my sorrow and anger are the greys and blacks of my tapestry of life. I don't know how it is gonna turn out at the end, probably I would only know when He calls me home but what I do know is that, it will turn out beautiful because He loves me.
我眼泪都笑了
谁还想哭呢
再勇敢地站着
找回光和热
面对你的时候
我不会舍不得
因为你已是过客
因为路有些曲折
是美的
我眼泪都笑了
谁还会哭呢
来不及完美的
就唱首离歌
想起你的时候
我不是卑微的
然而我没有遗憾
因为我已爱过你
深深的
I am glad that I loved before and it was one of the best times in my entire life. I will never forget our dates, our conversations and how we both fell sick together (extremely memorable), but I will move on, holding on to a new piece of the puzzle of my life, to thank God that he had chosen you to give me this special little piece and to know that everytime I look back, I am not crying but I am smiling. Don't they always say that the guy who makes the girl cry is not worthy of her. So if I am gonna cry anymore, you are gonna be so unworthy of me then. *shakes head* Thank you =) For always being there. For being such a good and reliable friend above all else, to always remind me that true friendship is not a fairytale but a reality. Thank you for breaking away some of the ice in my heart (though I don't think you will ever realize how much you have done to my life, really). I wish you could find a girl really really worthy of your love and not use and exploit you. =)
And I look back at myself and I remembered stuff.
The girl that he fell in love with was not someone who will wallow in self pity and whine
She falls, but she rises in resiliance.
She's got some cuts here and there, but she will wait for those to heal.
But she moves on. Because she knows, the future is waiting for her.
She knows, the future's great.
And she smiles again.
Just like you said, if we were really meant to be, we will end up together once again anyway. But if it's not, I know there is always someone better, no?
Innocence
2:08 PM
Friday, November 21, 2008
They say begin with the end in mind.
Why don't we start all relationships thinking that we will break up in the end instead?
Innocence
9:28 PM
Monday, November 17, 2008
Okay. My bf and I broke up. So thereby he shall be called the ex. Well, before you guys start throwing arrows and what nots, we are still friends. We had a few fights and yes, we don't hate each other.
But I thought I could do some stocktaking. I think my brain and heart hasn't 100% fully registered what has happened but well we broke up yes. I guess it has particularly taken a toll on me coz it's my first relationship and it has been one that has been better than expected. Perhaps when things are too good to be true that's when the problem start. You see, I never went into a relationship expecting all things to be perfect and I don't that that much of an expectations of a bf so when I was around my ex I was like wow, I am really enjoying this relationship.
Then things started spiralling downwards when we started spending too much time together and time together became time just to spend together rather than time spent to know each other and knowing each other intimately. Well, given my private personality when it comes to certain issues, my ex began to get upset that I wasn't sharing and the lack of personal time made me lose myself. Up till now, while my ex gave me reasons why we should break up I still felt that he hasn't given me a proper chance yet. I am getting over it, yes, but I would have preferred that we cool it off, talk things out and maybe restart in a month's time rather than a complete call off. I mean, the way he saw me was not technically true me but rather a me that was oppressed, away from God, depressed and what nots. Perhaps that was why there was a nagging unfairness tugging at my heart saying like, perhaps if he had seen me on better days maybe he wouldn't have this character-problem reason for a break up. But nahs, he decided it was final, he was so resolute, and what could I do but let go? I am just glad at least I am still sane most of the time and I can squeeze some study time in.
Sighs.
Innocence
4:55 PM
Saturday, November 15, 2008
In the discipline of submission, we are released to drop the matter, to forget it. Frankly most things in life are not as nearly important as we think they are. Our lives will not come to an end if this or that does not happen.
In submission we are at last free to value other people. Their dreams and plans become important to us. We have entered into a new, wonderful, glorious freedom - the freedom to give up our own rights for the good of others. For the first time we can love people unconditionally. We have given up the right to demand that they return our love. No longer do we feel that we have to be treated in a certain way. We rejoice in their sucesses. We feel genuine sorrow in their failures. It is of little consequence that our plans are fustrated if their plans succeed. We discover it is far better to serve our neighbour than to have our own way.
-Celebration Of Discipline, Richard Foster (The Discipline of Submission)
Innocence
9:21 AM
On studying.
I know most people study for grades and all the what nots (to get a gd cert so that we can get a good job) but let me offer everyone a new perspective.
We will always complain we don't know what God's purpose for us is, but the truth is that, God's purpose is perhaps already revealled. To understand that, we must first debunk a myth that when God has a purpose for us doesn't mean He comes and tells us that hey I want you to be a great evangelist, I want you to be a teacher etc. At the end of the day, I guess no one can really what God's true purpose until our work on Earth is completely done and He calls us home. On reflecting from there would we then know.
But it's possible to know what is God's purpose for us right now. The things that God has already placed in our lives are part of our purpose. Take me for an example, God has made a student. And that means that God wants me to be a student. And my job is to be a good one, study well go for classes and what nots. In other words, at this point of time the purpose of God for me is to be student. I mean, He could have made me a doctor, a nurse, a working adult, an illterate woman etc. but no, He placed me right here and right now and the fact He does that, I believe that He is also expecting us to do our best in this arena that He placed us in.
As an extention, I guessed sometimes we are so obessed is searching that big PURPOSE in life that we lose sight of the purpose that He wants for us right here and right now. I guess instead of complaining and saying how God has no purpose for us, we should do the best of what we have in our hands right now for what we have right now IS the purpose of God.
And yes, that means I need to put more effort in studying. Must concentrate and do well =)
Innocence
12:00 AM
Monday, November 03, 2008
Hey! I know haven't updated in a bit but now I am!
It simply sucks to be sick like for one whole week plus and with added emotional traumas from my dear mum who decided to exercise her menopausal rights to scream at me with no good reason. So yes, I am recovering (note the ing) from a sore throat, cough and stomach queasiness. SIGHS. And thanks to me and my weak body, I haven't been able to study constructively for the past few days and is currently behind time with my work. I am obviously not too pleased about that although I have been a big slacker for the past like semester due to well... too much procrastination.
Yep. And I still think my bf's house is a germ breeding ground.
Innocence
9:24 PM
