It's being strange. People around me have been strange. My life has been strange.
But let's not talk about it today.
Today the few of us had a great time. Imagine playing Bluff in the Woodlands Library and keeping a 24/7 lookout for the "monster" that would come and possibly chase us away. I never laughed so much in a day before I think. It wasn't like something very funny happened and people kept repeating it. It was this constant flow of joy going around - while we are studying biology. Yes, we indeed spend a lot of talking instead of looking at our books and memorizing our facts. But still, I just so enjoy being the spectator.
I am not the cause of the laughter, the two of them are, but I just enjoy the laughter. There was something so comfortable today that I cannot put a finger to explain what is so comfortable.it's like, you are keep quiet and just listen and actually know hat you are not outcasted, or forgotten. In any case, there is just too much laughter to even remember anything about ostracism.
These days, I feel as though I a living a dream. I remembered just a couple of years ago where I was trying to hard to fit in and whatever I tried did not seem to work at all. I was just the odd one out. I keep feeling that I was an outcast, somehow iI just don't fir in anything that they were talking about. I remember longing for friends to hang out with, to shop with , just like any other teenager I thought I knew. And I remembered vividly that I never had them. It was like a faraway dream. So, after a while, i just gave up and succumb to the fact that I was just different and will never fit in.
But this came.
Vene last year it wasn't as dreamy as now. I have study buddies. I actually have more than one people asking me to go out on the same day. Suddenly I have friends. I admit there are still people who don't reallly like me, but I actually had friends. People who I really can hang out with. I have been studying with a logn of people recently and it's just so amazing being around people. Is it a manifestation of the pure S characteristic. Indeed, S, while it stands for structured, it also stood for Social. But in any case, I have yet to fanthom the fact that iwas part of something. I don't know how to put it across in words, it's like, something that you already gieven up trying to have and it just comes to you, so suddenly, so subtle. I don't know wher it begun, but I only knew it when the process was completed.And I am awestruck.
I have no idea how to reconcillate everything. I am just really happy. Really satisifed.
On second thoughts, maybe the reason why I feel so much at ease at being a spectator is because I am just born like this. This is true me. I never believed the noisy me is a real reflection of me. It’s the me now, the one that is typing, the one that just enjoy a good book and coffee and company of good friends, that is really me. Don’t ask me how to explain the apparent bipolarity I see in my behaviour , I have no answer only some conjectures. Perhaps, and just perhaps, my noisy talkative self is a consequence of the places I live in. As long as I am surrounded with people that I feel more domineering to, I start yaking and once there are people who are noisier than me, I just keep quiet. I don’t know whether people know, but there are days where I am just too tired to keep talking and I still talk because people expect that from her me. And usually it’s those days that I get into trouble with my mouth. Or maybe, I am just too tired, like now, it’s almost 2am, and the fatigue causes me to choose the quieter side.
But for me, right now, at this mode, I really just want to go out with someone and look at the starts (if there is any) tonight. I wish I didn’t have a curfew and I can stay out all night, then I will sit by the road and stare into the sky. I wish I have a soul mate who can do that with me and both of us can sit under the starlight. We speak sometimes about life and sometimes we just keep silent, enjoying each other’s company.
I am such an idealist.
While listening to Jay Chou’s new album one of the song had a line like this,
而我已经分不清 你是友情 9 E/ j: \! q- U1 g3 G1 f: z& ^0 f
还是错过的爱情
To translate that it means, I can’t differentiate whether our relationship is of friendship or love that was missed. And I guess it pretty much sums up everything that I am going through about you-know-who. We lost touch, pretty much. But we are still friends. First I rejected his request for prom table, because I felt weird, That was like the last proper conversation that we had besides hi-byes and good luck for your paper. The relationship is so light now that sometimes I also don’t know what I should feel.
The things I have been through with him, it’s so bittersweet. Midnight calls, night bus rides. He’s probably the only guy that saw me in the lyrical state and my inner female which I have so conveniently shoved aside in my daily life. I think he was the only guy whom I called when I cried. The only guy that I was mean enough to hang up the phone on simply because I was pissed and angry. And yet he was the only guy who had the patience to lead me through everything. Sometimes I wonder why we aren’t together after so long. Sometimes I get jealous when he gets close to other girls. Sometimes I get jealous when my friends are getting attached. But perhaps, at this rate I am going, I would never know whether he did only out of kindness or whether he really had a soft spot for me. I guess it really doesn’t matter now.
I am just glad that I am no longer jittery upon hearing his name. Neither am I overly concerned about his every single move.
也许时间是一种解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药