Tuesday, January 27, 2009
2.49am on the second day of the Lunar New Year.
I realized I haven't been blogging about things in general when there are quite a few things floating in my mind. First, it's my apparent introvesion. I mean I am still as noisy when I am around people but somehow, I get very catious of what I say. A more apt description would be that, I start to re think of things I say to people and wonder if I offend them. It is as though I don't trust myself to offend other people anymore. The cause of this is not unknown, but it's pretty inappropiate to share on a public platform. In any case, as much as I am glad for company during lecturers (and thanks God for that), I seem to derive more satisfaction either being alone or with my dear cousin Sarah Jane. Somehow she can't seem to be offended, or maybe it's just cause I know her too long. But that's about it. And nowadays I keep wondering if I speak too much at certain occasations and sometimes I just feel like shutting up altogether. But somewhere in my mind I am being ticked to talk and I feel bad all over. Maybe it's because I am innately someone who likes to talk? Or I am being so cheery and talkative for so long that my mind needs time to readjust to the quiet side of me?
And speaking of readjustment, honestly, while I am pretty introverted recently, I realized that this particular Christmas/CNY has been exceptionally emotional to me as well. It's not that I never felt like that before but rather, due to my relations to a certain someone, I was taught to feel, for real, not in my imagination. When someone tasted the joy of companionship, loneliness becomes suddenly, very acute. If I can ever quantify feelings, I don't think the quantity ever changed but rather my perception of it changed. The empty train on my way home on CNY eve only reminded me how everyone had a nice big family to go back to on this traditional festival while for me, it's just me and mum. Actually just me.
Sometimes I wonder why I am so jealous of things like that. I think it's not that I deeply desire sometimes? Perhaps it's a, why everyone has and I don't mentality. I don't like to be around too many people anyway. I am the happiest, I realized, when I am with one or two friends who can just keep talking with me. But somehow, besides Sarah (the two of them) everyone else can't seem to sustain a conversationb with me proper unless I am in big group with them because someone will sustain a conversation.
A friend once commented that I should have went to SMU instead of NUS. I smiled. Perhaps the old me should have went to SMU but right now? I just want a break from big social settings and spend some time with my friends and books. The beauty of FASS is that I love everything that I do minus Stats and there are so many readings to be cleared that I can just happily read and read and read which is of course a really good way to kill time.
And today I spent a couple of hours (4 i think) reading WW2 and another two hours (not sure) reading Coraline and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It's actually a very satisfying way to spend time actually.
Oh, on a side note, a friend came to me yesterday and said I was strong for I am still standing after all that is happening to my family. I smiled and I said, no, I am not strong. I run. I leave things behind and I move on. That's my form of closure sometimes. And there are days where I wonder whether this is a good way to close, but I guess, it's the most painless way to close for me. I am sure that years down the road everything will be fine so why should I bother now?
Innocence
2:49 AM
Another palindromic number! I am not big on numbers, but I like pretty things.
Here are some quotes from Neil Gaiman's Coraline (Yes. Not Caroline)
This was from the opening quote : Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that
dragons can be beaten.- G. K. Chesterton
'Because,' she said, 'when you're scared but you still do it anyway, that's brave.'
Coraline sighed. 'You really don't understand, do you?' she said. 'I don't want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted? Just like that, and it didn't mean anything. What then?'
=)
Innocence
2:24 AM
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I told God, thank you for the blessings you gave to me today (and all the days to come) and then I asked God, would you mind helping me heal some of the old wounds, I;m sorry if I asked too much. God smiled at me and say, "It's okay, that's what I sent my son down for"
Innocence
5:12 PM
Monday, January 19, 2009
Anyway so the story of Joseph moves on to how Joseph because of his righteousness ended up in the prison. I thought it was pretty depressing at times to see that how righteous people get thrown into persecution and all when they really have done nothing wrong. But God’s way of doing things was pretty, interesting as well. God could have done the “miraculous escape” (think Peter) but instead he kept Joseph in the jail for two years (it would have been earlier if not for the cupbearer) but with the blessing to be the head of the prison. I started to realize that God always have blessings in stalled for us, it is whether we want to look at it or not. At the root of it all, Joseph was still in prison for something he did not do, so on a very secular/selfish point it’s like hey, it’s still unfair. So what if he was the prison head, he shouldn’t even be in prison the first place! It is like how we say, we study so hard, in the end, our results are crap still. Maybe God gave us other blessings (eg friends?) but we just keep harping on the study bit and we neglect everything. This part of genesis is one of the few parts of bible that God’s name was clearly written when it comes to blessings. A lot of times I had to INFER that God was behind it all. And I guess this can be used as an example to remind us that God honours the righteous in His own way, and like what Jesus always said, let those who have eyes to see, see and those who have the ears, hear. God’s message is not for the carnal world but the purified soul.
Innocence
2:24 PM
Friday, January 16, 2009
Found some interesting things from my study bible. Here goes:
Repentence: Repentance is not merely a change of mind but a radical change in one's life as a whole that especially involves forsaking sin and turning to or returning to God.
Kingdom of heaven: A phrase only found in Matthew where it occurs 33 times. Mark and Luke refer to it as Kingdom of God which Matthew only uses 4 times. It is the reign of God that He brings through Jesus Christ - i.e the establishment of God's rule in the hearts and lives of His people, the overcoming of all forces of evil, the removal from the world the consequences of sin- including death and all that diminishes life- and the creation of a new order of righteousness and peace.
Inspiration came from the reading of today's bible passage where Jesus asked His disciples to proclaim the Kingdom of heaven and the question popped in my head. What is the kingdom of heaven then? So everyone plays harp and sings? Obviously not. It's about God in our lives and Jesus the lamb of sacrifice. I guess, the kingdom of heaven is really, God in our hearts and how we can all get close to Him because Jesus died for us. The word "consequence of sin" mademe think. So what are the consequences of sin? Gulit, shame, distance from God, dirty, sad. Well that was what appeared in my head. And when the study bible said, "removal from the world the consequences of sin" I guess what he meant was, firstly we can live in proximity to God, we can live without gulit or shame and we can live with joy in our hearts. On top of that, it is not to simply live for the sake of living but rather, live for the sake of something higher. That is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Innocence
2:46 AM
Monday, January 12, 2009
Is current a big fan of Kuroshitsuji and is pondering about the relationship between Ciel and Sebastian. The way the author phrased the conversations and how they talked to each other makes rewatching the anime extremely interesting. Technically Ciel is the master and Sebastian the butler but one realizes that the way Ciel has to intentionally throw his weight around Sebastian. Is it a game that Sebastian and Ciel play where Sebastian is playing a fool to force Ciel to command him? (Sounds like flirting) Or is it that, the truth is, although the contract says that Sebastian has to obey every single command of Ciel, the truth is that power is within Sebastian's hands? Ciel cannot survive without Sebastian, that's for sure and perhaps Ciel knows and in the midst of this complicated relationship of reliance and dominance (I am the master, but I need you), lines get blurred. I guess Ciel at the end of the day really appreciates the fact that Sebastian will never lie to him and never betray him, for someone like him and is technically the only person that Ciel can ever trust (as illustrated by Mdm Red). Ciel places more than just responsiblity or "pawn". He did comment that Sebastian was a pawn before, but masters dun listen to pawns, do they? Ciel listens to Sebastian's advice. And as a servant, you got to admit that Sebastian is pretty brave in some of his comments, as though playing with Ciel like a friend. And then there is this personal level of relationship between Ciel and Sebastian. Ciel seemed to like to tease Sebastian as well (Greil) and why?
It's so suggestive, it's so open. That's why it's super fun to ponder.
Anyway theme song. Got hooked.
Monochrome No Kiss - SID
Our encounter is colourless Blown through and through By monochrome
I shall entrust Each and every bit of pain To you
Trace the wounds hard Merciless autumn is here
With its cool fingers Still beckoning
I'm like a taxing piece of melted ice
Gently scoop me up And toy with me with your upper lip
Nevertheless, I search for a single form of love
Withered eyes That bound the present rather than what's distant
If possible, I want to meet my end While enfolded this way
Pale skin The two of us kept to ourselves Even the moon is in hiding
Since then, I grew to Somewhat like The night too
In the sea of dependence I forget even to breathe
Leaving behind nothing but tepidity Right before losing ourselves
The aesthetics of abdication I loathe Your smug kisses
Don't leave me alone Realise that already And colour me
No matter which words they are In your room They slip pass and away
To get messy Then sleep Teach me something more than that?
Exhalations hesitate Before questions posed by a smile No one but the moon is watching
By the time the next long needle Reaches the ceiling
You won't be here anymore I won't need you anymore
Nevertheless, I'm sure we searched for the form of love
Damp eyes That bound the present rather than what's distant
If possible, I want to meet my end While enfolded this way
For that wish Night Helplessly Leads the morning here
With a gentle Hot And cowardly kiss
Let's colour it My last night The moon illuminates it
Innocence
1:41 AM
Sunday, January 11, 2009
On a side note, I have decided that I have been a very horrible Christian(in fact human being) to a few of my friends. I mean, honestly screaming at one half the time (and forcing him into an arguement) isn't a very nice thing. And then there is mum. Well God knows how many times I had those irriating thoughts about her and the number of vulgarity that I threw at her mentally. And then there was dad. There are days I feel like I am simply using him as a money machine. As in there have been times where I am like, I should do some nice things to dad and then it gets shuffed away (like yay). I don't know, perhaps it's a matter of prioities in my life? Is like, perhaps what my mum said is true. My friends are relatively more important than my parents which is kind of, not very right.
And then there is me and the execptionally high amount of cursing and complaining,like a lot of bulid up angst which is also like not to be. I mean I shouldn't even be complaining so much about other people. Like hello, what right do I have man? I am attributing that to the displacing of God. Like, I guess I really a prioties overhaul. And motivation to continue it.
Oh and I decided to add a thanksgiving section to my journalling everyday. Makes me more aware of God. I guess I was praying (more like talking to God but anyhows) that I would be very lonely at service today. And God gave me Joanna, Ryan and more. Whee. And there was this whole time at IDT meeting where we met frens ( I hope they don't find me too noisy xD). And I think I am going out with Sarah from the States for dinner later. YAY.
I am thinking of honouring the Sabbath actually. Like really try although I don't know how this will work out.
Innocence
5:56 PM
God’s faithfulness in Genesis 25:12. He promised Abraham that his descendents would be as numerous at the stars in the sky and the list of descendents of Abraham showed that God honours His promises to us. God promised me that He would always be there for me and I know He will.
I also learnt that everything is really planned by God. When Rebekah asked God how come she had such a difficult pregnancy, God told her that there were “two nations in your womb and the two peoples from within…. The older shall serve the younger.” Only upon reading the study bible did I realize the significance of this whole issue. Further down, I read that Esau sold his birthright to Jacob over a bowl of stew (on a side note, I guess God is also reminding me not to give up His promises for me over trivial matters. For example: Friends because compared to the promises of God, these are well, stew). On the surface it may seem that, Esau was plain stupid. But the study bible brought me back to the prophecy that God told Rebekah. God meant for it to happen. During Esau and Jacob’s time, the inheritance (or birthright) was always given to the older son so physically there is simply no way (even metaphorically) for the “older to serve the younger”, in other words, it is ridiculous. God thus knew and planned for this Esau incident to happen such that his prophecy would come true. This again refers back to the part about how God always keeps His promise. If He said it, He would do it. He would change the heavens and earths. I was reminded about the birth of Jesus. Isaiah prophesized that Jesus would be born in Bethlehem but obviously Mary and Joseph were not technically residents there. So how did God fulfill His promise? He moved the whole nation in a census just to prepare for ONE birth. The notion that God would also do that for me to fulfill His promise to me is simply gripping.
I also learnt how to please God. Genesis 26:4 God told Issac that all his offsprings would be blessed because “Abraham obeyed my voice and kept my charge, my commandments, my statutes and my laws”. It reminded me that I did not need to do funny services to please God (eg: Serve in 101 ministries) but rather what He was looking for was really obedience which is possibly harder than, for example, serving in 101 ministries. God is trying ask me to take a look at my life and remind me that a true Christian is one who obeys, so it doesn’t matter how “high up” I am in the church hierarchy.
The new testament shows me another side of Christianity which is pretty sentimental to me. Matthew was one of the first books of the bible I read and a lot of the truths are like old friends to me. First, Jesus talked about the price of discipleship in Matthew 8:20 where He said “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head” and to another person He said in verse 22, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead”. In the first, I guess Jesus highlights how following Jesus means to we have to lose our homes. I don’t think He meant that we should all move out of our homes and live in nunneries but instead I guessed He meant that we would lose the citizenship of this earthly home. In the New Testament Paul said something to the effect of the world is not our home, we are simply ambassadors to this place called Earth and our eternal home is in heaven. I guess Jesus is implying that by becoming disciples of Christ we may be left out in the world and of course that doesn’t feel good and He is trying to warn this man about it.
In the second, leave the dead to bury their own dead. I remembered the first time I read this I began to understand that God calls for immediate action. He doesn’t want us to be “I want to wait until we work, I will wait until I will have more time to serve God” but He wants us to follow Him now. But today, when I re read this, it began to unfold another issue altogether. I guess the man whom Jesus directed this to must be quite upset that he can’t bury his parents, it is also a tradition that children should bury their parents. I begin to imagine the anguish of the man when he has to literally leave everything to follow Jesus. I guess Jesus also forewarns us that as disciple, there are sacrifices to be made, there will be times where we have to give up the things that we don’t really want to and it is going to hurt.
Here comes one of my favourite verses of the bible which comes as a rhetorical question: Why are you afraid, O you of little faith”. Every time I read this verse, I am reminded how faithless I am. Just take now, I am so worried about starting school on the wrong foot and God seems to be telling me “Why are so afraid, I am in control, do you not trust in me” and I get really embarrassed about it. So yes, point being, God is always in control, if He said He will, He will.
And there is this part in the closing of the Matthew section of today’s reading which I possibly missed the last time I read. But I thought it was pretty surprising. So, Jesus chased away demons by driving them into the pigs and the pigs jumped into the river. If I were the villagers I would probably be like “Thank you Jesus!” but apparently the contrary happened. The villagers “begged him to leave their region”. My reaction to this was : HUH? According to the study bible (it is the best invention in the world, seriously.) it was probably because the villagers were upset that Jesus chased the demon into the pigs and the pigs drowned themselves because it meant income loss. And yes, they decided that Jesus was less important than money and they rather have a demon around than to end up losing pigs (ie money). I guessed this is a real life analogy for priorities in life. So what is more important? Money or God? I mean me reading the bible would call the villagers stupid, honestly, if Jesus was alive today I would be like, stay for a while longer! It’s something on the lines of if Pastor Edmund were to stay in my house, I would be like yes! And I would consult Him about life and everything instead of chasing him out. But sometimes, I guess, we are too blinded with our money or worldly possessions and there are really times where I am maybe, studying hard and when God knocks and say, “Child I want to talk to you,” and I go, “Shoo, I want to study”. And I got to chance out of it. If God is indeed of paramount importance in my life, then, He will always come first, not other materialistic possessions.
Psalms reminds me that while the world says an eye for an eye, God says, lift it up today. Psalms 10 describes a man in affliction and his adversaries are closing in and what nots. But there was no hint of I will kill them or an eye for an eye. He goes to God and say that He knows (although it seemed like God is turning a blind eye to his sufferings) and He will bring justice. God reminds me to surrender all the hatred, all the revenge thoughts into His hands. He understands that I am upset especially over like him. I admit I do have faults in that but my mind keeps telling me that hey, He has a part to play as well! He deserves me screaming at him. But God is gently reminding me that hey, let Him do the justice. If indeed Jeremy was in the wrong, He will deal with it and not me. I have no right to exercising judgment when a)I probably do not know the whole story and b) I am sinful myself. Is like, pot calling kettle black which isn’t very helpful to any relationship. C) God wants us to love at the end of the day. I guess it also boils back to trust, I know God will deal with it at the end of the day, so I don’t have to hold on certain issues so tight (which God never intended anyway)
Last bit from the proverbs linked directly back to today’s sermon. It said clearly “Be not wise in your own eyes, fear the Lord and turn away from evil”. It reminded me strongly of what Pastor Edmund said about rationalizing. I guess God did give us brains to do theological contemplations but not what we think is right in the eyes of God, I,e: No adultery means no adultery there is no, but my husband don’t love me, I have the right to seek another partner. I guess that is also meant by fear of the Lord, at the end of revelations God did say something to that effect to John before, anyone who adds or subtracts anything from His word would be judged by God. I guess God is trying to point to me to especially when it comes to like my parents where I claim, “But mum is mean to me” but God says “Honour your parents” and other incidents such as I claim “I really can’t stand A” and God says” Love thy neighbours”. Looks like I really gotta start accepting the hard truths of God the way it is not the way I want it to. And it looks pretty hard.
On a side note, IDT is starting this coming Friday, I don’t know whether I can commit but I guess, if God placed me there it would be all fine right.
Prayer requests: I am hoping to drop my tuition in a godly way so that I can free up time to engage in more meaningful pursuits. I hope him and I can be mended in a godly way. I hope I can start school year right and cope with demands. I want to fully enjoy school for what it is. I want to fully commit to IDT and to growing in God.
Innocence
5:28 PM
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Someone commented that I haven't bloggedfor a while. It's not that I died or something (thank God), it's just that laziness had caught up to me, so I will share fragments of things that I remembered from the past few days.
I think one thing was that, yesterday, while walking home, I noticed that beautiful pink-orange shade across the sky. Sunset it was and its beauty captivated me. It was then I thought about God and how it was Him who created the world. A world so beautiful. My God really isn't a sadist God who enjoys making people suffer, He is definitely artistically inclined and loves beautiful things. Don' they God always has a plan for us? When I looked at the breathtaking sunset, another thought crossed my mind. If God can make such beautiful sunsets, I guess my future will be as beautiful as this because afterall, it's the same hands that crafted it. I was then drawn into the reassurance of Him that hey, everything will turn out well. And I smiled.
And there was me on my bus trip back today. And a thought stroke me. Actually life isn't that bad afterall. There are my cousins, they are some of my closer friends whom I have been hanging out with. I have got enough cash to pamper myself once in a while (facials lols). I have an uni to go to. I got into FASS and I can do the aarts modules that I really enjoy. I got myself some church frens and perhaps gonna get involved in other campus activities as well. And of course there is always God who promises to take care me, whom I know dearly in my heart that at the end of the day, He is the solid rock I stand and all the ground is sinking sand. That I know that if I place my trust in Him, it would turn out right somehow.
And I am much happier =)
Innocence
12:39 AM
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Edmund shared this during the message yesterday. He was choosing a house with a certain budget and because his budget was so small that the agents could only find a house that is dark and gloomy. He was very close to closing the deal when something in his heart prompted him not to. And as the story goes, a few days later he got a house in TOWN with a housekeeper and what nots and within the budget.
Of course it is easy to say that Edmund's story was an exception and it sounded like one of those crappy prosperity gospels that says God will always bless if we do something etc (Although God always wants to bless. But there is a fine line between misinterpretations). But his point that day was that, never settle for something that is second best. This is also echoed in a mail I recieved a few days back about this boy and the circus. In summary, this boy who has never seen a circus performed before had mistakenly thought that the show has finished before it even started because he saw a parade of the animals and all as they were moving them into the tent.
God seemed to silently remind me that things may look good at first, but what God always intended for us will always exceed what we can ever imagine if we simply obey and follow. Always remember to honour God before all else. And following this thread, I realized that I was glad that somethings happen. I was glad that God took some things away from me. I was horrendously upset when God took things away from me (who doesn't) thinking how God's unfair and all. But now when I finally look back, I realized, all I want is to thank you God for taking it away from me.
Let me wait for God's Best for me .
Innocence
11:48 PM
I got a strong feeling that either this post if trauncated or it would be super long. A lot thingds has happened and tehre is just so much to thank God and to blog about even in this new year that has just barely started. A brief summary before I go into the details. There is always first the RAYS Countdown last night which was more successful than I thought and all I could say was, it wasn't me, it was God. I literally saw God's fingerprints all over the event and I know that whatever that we had done was not good enough, but God himself was enough. And even at the watchnight service the message by Edmund was inspiring, the worship spoke to me and I find myself kneeling down and saying, God take all of me. And then there was QT today which again consolidate a lot of things that I have been thinking through the past few days and reminding myself how God himself is indeed the centre of it all.
Let's start with what God told me yesterday as watchnight service. I was and worshipping God when I could clearly heard God whisper to me this few verses. The ironic thing is that this is not the first time these verses came to me, if anyone would to dig back to the older entries he would find that this is prob the second time God used these verses.
John 21:15-19
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."
Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"
He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."
The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"
I had always identified with Peter, the reckless disciple of Christ. No doubt that Peter loved God, but He did stupid things as well and perhaps, he would be well remembered for denying Christ three times. Well, I probably denied Christ more than three times in my entire life but as with the first time I came across this passage, God reminded me that, I could still be reinstated because God Himself still loved me and cared about me. But today, God gave me two other revelations from this passage. Firstly it is the phrase, "More than these". This, in line with Edmund's message yesterday, called for surrender. The question I found God asking me was, Do I love him more than my grades? Do I love Him more than my time? Do I love Him more than my friends, my relationships, my possessions, money etc etc. Basically in short, do I love Him more than LIFE? Do I love Him more than everything that I have now. It would be nice and easy to say that yes God I would give up all. But I am a a fallen human afterall. It's not easy to go to God and say, I love you more than money. It's okay if I don't have all the luxuries I have now (eg money to buy clothes) to follow you. But it is then that I come to the realization that this is what God demands of me, complete surrender. And while most bible scholars said that Jesus asked Peter the same question three times in reponse to the three times Peter denied Christ, I guess another hidden meaning to this is that, God is trying to ask him again and again, did I mean what I said. It stresses that it's not easy to love Christ. It's a path filled with rocks and obstacles and Christ Himself wants to ask me if I was sure of my decision given the risks. As a disclaimer, I am not saying that being a Christian is tough, God would always love us and take care of us etc. But the truth is, there is still a "hard" bit of Christianity and that cannot be ignored if we truly loved Christ. I felt as though God asking me, so, do i really love Him? There are consequences aswhat Jesus said, to indicate the kind off death that Peter would go through.
And my answer to God is simply this, I would follow you, but help me to overcome my human weakness and my stubborn grasping on certain stuff.
Innocence
7:24 PM
