Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I am freaking pissed.
Because my mum is freaking nagging at me on MY BIRTHDAY. Doesn't she see that I am freaking upset enough coz NOBODY I know is celebrating with me (Minus Dad. But I would prefer friends). Does it matter whether she is having her freaking own TROUBLES? Hello, I have mine too, how about YOU listening to me, instead? No, you freaking never listen. You think you are so damned good that you don't have to listen to my opinion.
Freaking hell shut up.
It's my birthday and I don't freaking care about whether your life sucks or not coz you are making my freaking life miserable but rubbing in things. I repeat, I freaking DON'T care whatever happens to you and Dad becoz I have longed gotten used to not having parents at all. Yes. I am an emotional orphan all along. Who wouldn't when your mum is freaking psychologically mad, refuses to seek help (then again all mad people think they are normal) and forever in her own freaking world? She's deprived. Doesn't mean I CAN provide her with the emotional support that she needs. Damn. I am NOT a punching bag or an emotional rock.
I am sick of caring. Tell you the freaking truth. You are the one who's freaking EMPTY inside. And because it is freaking empty, you fill it up with junk. You have been insulted and stepped upon (who doesn't go through stuff like that), but that doesn't mean you can push me down like that. Since you can't exert a pride to the people around you doesn't mean you can exert it on ME.
Stop that bullshit about suffering. WHO THE HELL DOESN'T SUFFER? I can acknowledge that you suffered but your suffering doesn't freaking mean you are a whole hierarchy above me. Suffering doesn't elvate your status. GET IT? No, you don't.
And I already said a hundred and one times. Don't make me cry on my birthday. I have them sucky for YEARS.
Sec 4 - I had to cry coz Mum refused to let me out to see Shaos. And in any case, I ended up only seeing Shao for an hr or two coz she had stuff on (I don't blame her though)
J1- What birthday? Shao and I are off by then. Nobody even REMEMBERED. How does that feel? Forgotten.
J2- I was MUGGING math on my bdae. MATH. Horrid math.
And this year? It's already upsetting enough. Don't add oil. Or I will explode.
Stop your freaking sympathy speeches. I don't need your sympathy. Freaking hell. I am okay if you are really sympathetic. But you are not. You just wanna feel the pride of being better than the others. You push people down just to feel better about yourself. Ya. You feel better. You gloat in your victories.
What about me?
Do I deserve being put down like that?
In any case. You have no freaking right to out me down like that coz you are NOT God. Contrary to what you freaking feel, You have no right over me AT ALL.
And stop that nonsense about caring about me, because you don't. In the few times you did, it's more of an exhibition of your freaking pride. Ie: You care because you want the busk in the glory of you being able to care.
Sheesh. That's why Dad went away. It's your fault. Coz I know Daddy loves me. Although it's true that he can get irresponsible at times, I know he loves me. Stop your freaking propaganda about what Dad doesn't care. He does. Stop lying. You want to demonise him so that you are justify his departure that it is none of your fault. But it is. It's all your fault. How do I know? Because I being through it. You don't know what type of fear you put into people's heart. You don't how fearful we are of you. You don't know how even your voice send trembles down my spine everytime I hear.
And then I run. I keep the phone calls short. I keep my communications with you short. In short, I don't want to associate with a demon like you.
And in anycase, if you are really at peace with his freaking departure, why are still harping on it? Harping on it everyday. Do you not know that but saying those things out everyday doesn't assist in the healing process at all. More like you prolong it.
And if you really convinced that what you have done is right, I don't see why you need to defend it. And let's just be frank, if you believe that you have done is correct, then you have to bear the consequences. Simple as that. Do you actuallythink everything can be perfect? Do you actually think that by screaming and forcing people to abide to your rules you will get a perfect household?
Bullshit.
Let get the cards right this time. If you are fully convinced that screaming at people are the way to maintain a household, then you will have the face the consequences of me (+Dad) leaving the household (emotionally). Simple as that.
If you really believe that you are so freaking damned good that you can order people around, then pay the consequence that I would not come to your freaking rescue when you need it. If you are weak, SHOW that you're weak. Then it makes sense. If you want to be all dominant, why would anyone "help" you.
Understand the ways of life.
Understand that, so what it is family?I think God makes a better father. WAY better. Family are made up of broken people like you and I who are willing to help each other out healing our brokeneness. Even if the brokeness can't be healed, family is the place we find solace.
And in any case, when I say solace it means, ACCEPTING people's faults. Not scrutinize and try to change them. Face it, you are not God. You can't change a person. At least not by screaming at them. Besides accepting it, it also entails EMBRACING it. To work out something together. NOT scream and expect the person to change. It doesn't happen. Psychology 101 should tell you that.
And in any case, in an ironic turn of events, some of my "bad habits" seem to be rooted in you! You were the one who thinks friends are unimportant. Instead of helping me see your point, which may have made a vast of difference, yopu try to scream it into my head. FINE. I will find my own friends.
Before anyone starts saying how family is supposingly 100% reliable, I must first say, a) family is make up of people who are sinful and broken, how can they be 100% reliable? And b) Look at my mum and dad. Goodness. As a comparison, maybe some of my friends are more reliable that them.
One last thing, don't ever compare sufferings. I suggest you go read more books. C S Lewis once said something on that line that pain cannot be measured. There is no SI uni for pain. You can't say that because I have been through XYZ and you have only gone through XY therefore I suffer more pain than you. Becoz everyone is made differently and they deal with sufferings differently. The same person can deal with the same incident but feel different degrees of pain. A person may feel that the same incident is nothing but to B person it feels like the world to them. So my point, don't come around saying you suffered more than me. The theory doesn't stand.
And btw, don't ever stop trying to make me not follow my heart. Becoz I can't and won't do it. And yes, the more you scream the more I wanna go bible college as an act of rebellion. I think studying the bible is fun.
And I love my biology and my history/political science and these are the things that I would do for uni. I don't care what you are gonna to say.
Coz this is MY life.
You have no right.
Innocence
3:07 PM
