Saturday, May 12, 2007
It just hurts me so much to see them. Something seems to have gone missing, the closeness that I thought I had with him just vanished. But then again, maybe there wasn’t a special relationship between us anyway, it was all one sided. But still, I can’t put a finger to that pain, the pain with claws that just scratches me and leaves me feeling so sour. I thought tears were going to flow for a moment.
They were sitting together and making fun of each other and laughing and hitting each other and poking each other and playing.
Then they stared at each other and laughed.
And I was there staring.
I was the only one staring.
Maybe it had always been me. Everything that I interpretive was just from a colored perception, everything that I was dreaming about, was all but an impossible illusion. But, God, why don’t you just let me live in my illusion, why I see this?
And why must it be her.
He looks so much happier with her, they seem to enjoy each other’s company. They can make plain jokes. But I can’t do that with him. I am just.. another friend.
And it’s her.
I can never forget what had happened, I love her as a friend, I care for her and I know instinctively that I owe her so much. This time, after all the things she has done for me, I will give her what she wants this time though it hurts me so deep so deep. His hers. Really. I will give them my blessings, I will let them be, I will just slip off from the back silently and nothing happens. And he would never know.
But really, it is still painful. Why do I fall in love once again? It is always the same story over and over again. Sometimes I wonder is it me, my character aren’t that feminine enough to attract the masculine side of men. Sometimes I just wonder if I thought too much in the beginning. Or maybe, whatever I thought was love with not even love. It could be just a closeness that characterizes good friends. Afterall, emotions are hard to pen written down in words or to even be deciphered. I probably deciphered my emotions wrongly.
Well, maybe I was just possessive then. It’s not about love or whatsoever, it’s about me not wanting a special relationship to feel secure with that person. So, ie, I was upset because my pride got eroded. It’s something like someone stealing your friend away. Ugly I know, but I guess it’s part of human nature.
Amidst all, I guess.. It still hurts.
Innocence
7:39 PM
