Friday, April 13, 2007
When I was a kid, I cried.
But I am forced to stop crying. Crying just made things worse, just made her scold me more.
"Mum, can you come down to the family clinic? I am like there and broke. I kind of need someone to pay for my bills" "YOU SMART GIRL! NO MONEY STILL DARE TO SEE DOCTOR!" "But mum.. I have been puking like 5 times since the morning." Jessie lies down, half unconscious. "GET UP! GET UP! STOP LYING IN THE TOLIET!" "Mum, I am feeling horrible" (in a whisper) "GET UP! DON'T SLEEP HERE! STOP LYING AROUND AND STAND UP! I CAN'T CARRY YOU! SO GET UP NOW" "You are NORMAL, you aren't good. Stop thinking you are good, stop PRETENDING you are good. You are NOT good.""You think your results THAT GOOD? You will NEVER qualify for scholarship. You aren't GOOD enough, you are NEVER good enough. Quit pretending" "All you do is do harm" "Since you look down on me, why you must beg me" "So good, get out la! CHEAP!" "Bitch" "Shameless""Doomed to be a failure""No integrity, no morals, untrustworthy, USELESS" "You are to be blamed" "I am better than you" "Unworthy" "I bet you will come back BEGGING for me, you useless bum, if you were really good enough, get out and PROVE it" "Go, go be a prostitute, just don't come back pregant""How am I suppose to know how many guys you went around sleeping with? I am not going to pay for your abortion fees you know" Now I cry. It still exacerbates the screaming.
But I can't control them anymore. They come too fast and they take too much strength stop them from coming.
"CHEAP""PROVE IT IF YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, I AM WAITING" Suddenly I am all deaf.
Only to hear my own heart shattering.
Innocence
12:41 AM
