Sunday, September 10, 2006
I feel like starting afresh, anew once again.. As though I didn't know anything aboout God. I want to be a fresh sheet of paper. Maybe it is the problem with me rationalizing. Maybe it's true, my thinking is sooner or later going to spell my downfall. So much questions, desires still remain, but somehow there is no drive at all.
And I feel so lonely suddenly. My frens are just not ministering to me like they don't understand me at all but even if they understands me.. They can't seem too walk with me. No one walks with me, everyone is just like a wind, they blow, they make me happy, they may touch my hearts once in a while like the scenery, but someone none of them walks back home with me. No, they are not superfical friends, they are good friends I don't understand, how can relationships bulid on Christ be this way? This is just plain strange.
Suffering from self esteem problems too. I think I suck. That is the best way to put it although perhaps in a more intellectual, class-y and more elegant way I would say.. I think I have a problem with my character, I hate myself, I hate my own voice and I hate the way i walk, look, talk blah blah.. And it's not that I am having a good relationship with God. QT count was like a big fat ZERO literally.
And I have to lie my way through to people becoz if I don't do my QT, people will ask "Why" and if I say I don't feel like it, the usual stuff comes along. Honestly, it's bad to know what people's reactions are and somehow I know. Some people will start throwing me with suggestions and I can feel judgement in them, some will start going things like "You know you are in wrong, better do your QT back", well usually in a nicer way that is. Don't they just understand, sometimes I just want someone to pray with me and give me a hug and be there to listen to me instead of assuming they know everything?
And then I realize I do that myself too. I do a lot of things that I hate people to do to me. Ain't I a hypocrite? I seriously think so. And i just can't seem to change. :( I think I am such a horrible person. Like a big fat meanie. That's me.
I am so taking a break from everything, I feel like taking a break forever. Nobody understands me when I say I am taking a break from ministry. I mean more than just ministry - they just don't know me well enough. Then again no one knows me well enough.
Morbid thoughts are attacking me once again.. I am not going to mention them here before someone sends me to a psychologist..
Did any0ne realize the lack of God in this whole post? I do. And guess what? I am doing nothing about it.
Innocence
10:15 PM
