Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Had this urge to type some things out since.. Monday? It has been a rainy season and the rain sure have made me more sentimental and more emotional, and together with this a period of spiritual downness and dryness. I wouldn’t say it was dryness but more of downness.
For the 3rd or 4th time I will regurgitate the story again, but briefly this time. I was thoroughly shaken on Friday because of me and S. Perhaps the question was why was I so shaken? Perhaps I was the one who exaggerated the whole issue although to make it sound as though I was desperartely in need of some attention for some friends. Maybe it’s just God’s test. Maybe I was just being spastic. I am upset, I still am, but my inability to solve this problem and yes as I type this I see the reason why. I desperately want to forgive because I want to be clean with God. But no, God isn’t a task to be fulfilled. I wanted to move on, I wanted to get this issue over and done with. Face it, I wasn’t sincere enough. I just wanted to forgive for the sake of forgiving and because God says so. Because everyone said that I wouldn’t move on if I don’t forgive, so I forgive because I want to move on to other “greater” things.
And I should know it well enough that that’s not the reason. The reason we forgive is because God forgave us. We forgive for God’s sake, because we love God. We forgive because we want to love our brothers and sisters just as Christ did. They say we must be imitators of Christ but why do we imitate God? We imitate God because we want to be like him. Why do we want to be like him? I am stuck. Things like “because God is perfect” is too cliché an answer to be even taken into consideration. Maybe the best answer I can give now is because we love God. We want to become what we love so that we can love the one we love more.
How to forgive. The answer is a simple 2-line. First confess to God. Two, let God bring you to revisit the pains and hurts and from there surrender all. How easy can this be? So easy that I am still stuck at the fact that I am unwilling to even step out too far to let God bring me into the hurts.
It was now that I realized, the main problem is that I know too much facts on my hands. I know so many methods, but just like a scientist who does not do experiments, my facts are just 2D, dead facts that will remain silent. To make the facts alive, to make the verses of the bible truly speak, we need to experience. And now I see the problem.
I just can’t venture into my hurts.
Then my dear Mich came along. She told me something very important. “Do not venture out until you are sure that God is with you” Now, that meant something. My focus had been wrong all along. First and foremost, I did not do the forgiveness business truly from God’s perspective, but more for a secular reason (I would say a secular reason wrapped in spiritual package) Which just reiterates that I need to pray and talk to God. Forget about the time limits and all the things that S said. Just as Esther told me, it’s between me and God. And as a silent prayer, I would pray :
God would You do Your work in me. I don’t know what you have planned and what you would come my way. But I know for sure that Father, whatever that you have planned is going to prosper me and not harm me. I place my trust in you oh Lord Father. Come into my heart and take the rightful throne once again and fill me with your peace and your love.
And Father, although I don’t exactly know what is going on, I do know that I do harbour some form of unforgiveness to S and I would pray that Father you would show me exactly how, for father I have never dealed with this in my entire life before. I do not know what to feel or what to do, but I know that you would guide me in Your grace. Father, guide me along this path of forgiveness and Father, empower me so that I can revisist the past or do whatever that is needed for forgiveness knowing that you are at hand.
Father, give me the courage to walk out and not run away. Hold me tight Father, so that I can’t run away from the pain and the hurts I am going to face. May I not exit but instead move in closer. I pray for my heart to be soften, ears open and eyes opne so that I would see feel and hear what You want me to do and Father, give me the courage to do it.
Father, let me remember that all that I am doing, I am doing it for your love because I love you and You loved me. Let me not go astray and let me walk even deeper in the radius of your love.
Oh father how I long to be speak to you face to face..
In Jesus Christ’s most precious name I pray, Amen.
Innocence
11:41 PM
