Secret Dwelling

A poem

2009-07-12T21:05:00.000+08:00

Introduction:
"This poem was written in 1908 by Minnie Louise Haskins, an American
lecturer at the London School of Economics, who wrote as a hobby. It
was a favourite of Queen Elizabeth the late Queen Mother, who showed
it to her husband King George VI. He included it in his famous
Christmas message broadcast in 1939 at the beginning of the Second
World War. After the King's death the Queen Mother had it engraved on
bronze plaques on the entrance to the King George VI Memorial Chapel,
Windsor, where both are now interred. It was also read at the funeral
service of the Queen Mother.

:-:-:-:-:-:

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.'

And he replied, 'Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!'

So I went forth and finding the Hand of God
Trod gladly into the night
He led me towards the hills
And the breaking of day in the lone east.

So heart be still!
What need our human life to know
If God hath comprehension?

In all the dizzy strife of things
Both high and low,
God hideth his intention."

Mad World

2009-05-22T14:22:00.001+08:00

Tears for fears - Mad World (Resung by Adam Lambert at American Idol 8)
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Goin' nowhere, goin' nowhere
Their tears are fillin' up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

Children waitin' for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sits and listen, sits and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world
A raunchy young world
Mad world

American Idol

2009-05-21T10:18:00.003+08:00

Let's talk about social commentaries. I was too bored (vacation baby) and decided I shall soak myself in some American Idol madness. Okay not very mad, it you don't count the fact that Adam Lambert's version of Mad World was ringing in my head and I purged it with Kris Allen's Heartless. And now it's Heartless playing.

Okay I see blank faces.

You see the issue was that Adam Lambert was the hot favourite and Kris was the boy next door and the boy next door won the glam rocker in American Idol. I was actually not shocked at all, I kinda saw it coming after watching a few more youtube videos of Adam and Kris and now thinking back, I am actually surprised that Adam got this far (although I absoultely love him by the way) Here's my reasoning:

He wasn;t mainstream enough. He is obviously not the R&B/Hiphop/Rap type. He is a rocker. But not soft rock, crowd pleasin soft rock but rather LOUD METALLIC rock. Or perhaps alternative. He is NOT poppy at all. And I was surprised that they actually let him go this far. Perhaps it's his cute looks or how he staged his performance - I enjoyed all his performances. They were really entertaining. Perhaps the girls thought he was cute. But point being, Lambert is not mainstream - at all. He is not an American Idol but he is a star in his own right.

Now, I said earlier I wasn't shocked that Kris won right and here's why. First, Kris is mainstream. He is crowd friendly. He is someone I foresee hearing on the radio. The name Jason Mraz keeps popping up in my head, I wonder why. I love it when he is on his guitars and piano. He will take poppy melodious songs very very well. Moreover, I felt that voting for him with a combination of anti adam votes and kris fans votes. Let me explain. Adam's fanbase is CRAZY. They loved him. And Adam gets all the hype in the media. So there is this group of people who don't like him for whatever reasons and they decided that he shouldn't win and thus voted for Kris. There is another group of people, who are basically supporters of other contestants (Danny's fans perhaps) ans supported Kris. Honestly, Kris is more "centralist" (for lack of a better word) and his musical style is closerto many other contestants (Danny) who thus will be able to accept him better. On the other hand, Adam's fanbase is there already. It's an amazingly big fanbase - bigger than Kris but Kris wins really because i think almost all the fence sitters went to Kris.

I got to make a disclaimer here. That doesn't mean I don't like Kris. Kris has a way of connecting with me and everytime he carries that guitar on his back and smiles? I melt. But point being, Kris didn't really win because he had tons of die hard fans (he had a substantial amount but not as much as Adam) but because people didn't like Adam Lambert (okay. didn't like's too strong. They prefer more a mainstream style).It seems to happen all the time in American Idol. Someone got to pick up the votes of those who were sent home and the centralist takes all. SO unless one of the two finalist is SOOOO popular that even if all the fence sitting votes for the other, he will still win. If that is so, that guy must be a superstar. Adam came close, very close.

And on hindsight, I was VERY glad Adam didn't win. Can you imagine what type of album they would make Adam made as the "winner of american idol". And that is NOT him at all. I see him in an alternative genre, mixing and matching, screaming and jumping. Not ver idol yea? So in a sense, by being released from the crown of the American idol he doesn't need to sing crap. Someone PLEASE get good song writers for Adam and I am awaiting a stunning album from him.

I would want to get Kris's album and play it while I am chilling. Like last year's battle of the 2 davids? I think Kris needs to win more than Adam. Adam will do well whether he wins or not. And perhaps better if he didn't. Kris needs that additional boost. Moreover, Kris is the type of American Idol that the show advocates. Think like Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood. A star from the masses. So in a sense, Kris embodies the whole of the Idol contest pretty well. And one last thing, No Boundaries is a better song for Kris anyway. I felt WEIRD when Adam sang it. VERY VERY weird. It was one of those neither here or there song and Adam can't really do his thing with it.

Then again, the song is crap la. I pity Kris for having to sing it for his first single. Don't even get me started man. Everyone hates the song and so do I. It ruined the final 2 performances I swear.

I want more of Allison-Adam. They are great together. Slow ride is one of my fave performance. They both can really rock the house down.

Allow me to venture another point. I think while the AI people clearly would like Adam to win, I think their way of arranging the finals was a sure way to ensure Adam WON'T win. Firstly, Adam's performances were all impresssive throughout the season. SO by asking him to re perform something is just a bad idea and Adam who is really famous for being creative, would lose out compared to Kris who is someone who gets progressively better and thus when he re sings any song it would be better. People who watched Adam would be like, oh, nice, good performance. But expected. The second song was good for both Adam and Kris. The final song was KILLERLY BAD. It was again, a Kris song more than an Adam song and again, many people who watch only the finals would be inclined to think Kris is better because Lambert doesn't get to show off. If you asked me, the first song should be a contestant choice instead of a recap from the previous. I really want to see Kris tear down a few more song (like what he did for heartless) and a few more outlandish performances for Adam.

So in a sense, I don't know, I cannot decide whether I like Adam or Kris more. Kris melts me in a certain way that I cannot really describe while Adam speaks of creativty, possiblity and rock. So it's really like the two sides of me being satisifed in one show. Not too bad for reality tv

Anyway, so, congrats Kris. I await your album. Adam, stun me again would you =)

Clues of God

2009-05-11T20:36:00.002+08:00

I was reading Timothy Keller's The Reason for God. It was a pretty good book although I am already acquainted with some of the things he talked about. But the chapter on the Clues of God changed my perspective on generally the proving of God altogether. Subconciously I always felt that although not everything about God can be proven, but the evidence I have on my hands were soild proof to certain foundations of Christianity. But I appreciated Keller's insight upon this. Paraphased, what he was trying to drive at was that the there was a way to disprove everything that Christians claim to prove if we are looking at a airtight proof. Take for example, the argument about how everything in the universe were precisely calculated to sustain life meant that there must god. A skeptic could easily argue that well you can't prove or disprove Christianity with that piece of evidence. It could be an intelligent creator, it could be chance. Even if there was an intelligent creator it might not be the God of the bible either. So in a sense, the evidence kind of does nothing. And if you really run through many of the arguments for Christianity, it kind of appears that way too.

The question is, then how?

Keller proposes something called critical rationality in which he recongises that the dilemna as mentioned above exists. But one cannot deny that all these evidence gives one a CLUE that God exists. And following on that train of thought, he wrote that, at the end of the day things makes more sense when you put on the lenses of Christianity in light of the evidence than everything else (he went on to talk about how evolutionary naturalism and all fails in light of seeing everything as a concrete whole).

What I really liked about this section of the book is that, Keller admits that there is NO airtight proof of God per say. Which makes sense right, isn't it? If God is the ultimate playwright of our lives, then how are we going to find it? It's something like, using CS Lewis' example, how can Hamlet try to find Shakespeare in his attic? But what we do have on our hands are thus clues to the existence of this God. And the combination of these clues would be a very formidable force.

May I add something at the same time? I think the issue at hand is that, we are all flawed human beings. If that is so, then our thinking must be flawed isn't it? Therefore, although God gave us the gift of reason, if our fundemental nature is flawed, doesn;t it mean that there is also a possiblity that some of our rationalisations about things are wrong as well?

This, alongside the fact that evidence/arguements can be easily disputed, serves as a warning to myself as well that we must always listen to people who we try to talk to them about Christianity and beware of falling into the self righteous trap as well by sounding like a intellectual idiot by forcefully tweaking science and knowledge into Christianity when it really does not fit. We have got to listen and give others the credit of their arguments before we tear them down, in love.

Revelations

2009-04-21T22:55:00.002+08:00

You notice weird things about yourself during the exam periods.

1. I like being around people. But they drain my energy badly. I thought I was still quite alive about my mega 5 hour consultation but on my way home I was literally stand sleeping. That was how tired I was.
2. I eat when I am tired
3. I don't eat when I am stressed
4. When I am stressed and tired, the stress bit takes over so I don't eat
5. Talking to people on MSN is a good motivation when I study although if I sit with th person I might end up talking too much
6. Fanfics and cute guys (kanda) are good for destressing
7. Good friends are hard to find. But I am glad for them in their weird way of supporting me
8. I value my personal space a lot. And it includes my house.
9. I don't like small spaces that much when I study. When I study i demand a huge desk, fan/aircon and music.

True Blue Singaporean

2009-03-24T23:21:00.003+08:00

I never knew Singapore was so deeply entrenched in my heart until when I did my Singapore Foreign Policy Paper. I have subconciously wrote Singapore as us, we, ours etc instead of the netural her that is appropriate for an academic paper

True blue Singaporean indeed (Or should I say true red and white?)

Beauty

2009-03-24T09:06:00.002+08:00

I was supposed to be doing my DJ. But this scene just stuck inside my head.
-

I was on the bus as it drove in NUS and there I saw, dead leaves just drifting down as though it was fall in summer. The bus moved closer to my destinated bus stop and there I saw, yellow flowers littering the floor.

The image stuck in my head for a long long time. What a beauty.

Reflections

2009-03-22T23:34:00.002+08:00

It is always apt to reflect on life once in a while right. But since this is a public blog I would keep some of the details away.

I think the year started with me being very very happy to be in FASS. I was literally savouring my readings like holy scriptures. I loved my classes with the exception of 1 which I never understood why I still attended it and another which I have some problems grasping some concepts. But school's all well.

It was against this setting that I slowly evolved. I blame it on the recuepration of a failed relationship but ever since school started, I found myself going home more often and out less often. I reserve my fri-sunday for church related activities but that's about all. I begin to talk to the old friends of mine online, ask them out for lunch, suddenly beginning to understand the true meaning of friendship. But slowly, I beginning asking myself, what's my purpose in life. I mean, I am a Christian alright, but it was beginning to seem like I was a fri-sun Christian rather than a full time Christian. Something was fundementally missing and I begin to embrace the art of being the salt and light of the world. Contrary to what I thought, what I am supposed to do in school is to show that Christ lives and is alive. That doesn't mean that I go around evangelising (though evangelism is a critical component) but rather, I show God's love to them in whatever ways I can. I became more intentional in blessing and talking. I became more conscious of what I say and do, because it begin sinking really deep into me that, people don't care about big theories of Christianity as much as the behaviour of Christians. Even if I don't end up leading a person to Christ, I sure don't want to end up leading a person AWAY from Christ.

And it's not easy. University is probably a place of test for me. I meet all forms of people. I met highly irresponsible people withinm school that I had to consciously stop gossiping about them. There are also people who seems to skip classes like nobody's business and I know I had to honour God. And the list goes on. And I realized the key challenge now is really to maintain God's beacon of light in the midst of all these. And through this I learn to depend on God. I probably made more mistakes than ever, said the wrong things as ever. But I know, it's through these mistakes that I would learn.

I am slowly able to see how God is trying to use me. Allow some boasting here (in any case if I boast,I boast in Him). I have two-three commenst from people asking me things like how come I so different or something to that extent. I know instinctively that people are looking at me and I look to God, and honestly, I am scared. I am a Peter. God places these people in front of me, what if I fail at what I am supposed to do? But I realized, it is also this fear that drew me closer to God.

I also learnt the meaning of it's a honour to serve God and that God qualified those He called. Sometimes subconciously we think we are better than God, that God NEEDS us to serve Him but slowly, upon recongition of my own weaknesses, I realized, I really don't deserve to serve Him at all. But He still uses me. Then instinctively I know, this is the grace of God. Never have I encountered Grace so vividly before.

School aside, there were also a lot of other lessons I learnt. I will start with a short one about prioties. I commented to a friend one day that "No time" is a crappy excuse and I sincerely believe so. It's a matter of what's important to you. Take a very simple example, I have time to go on facebook but I have no time to pray. That's utter nonsense! I rather be honest to say that facebook is more tempting than prayer for various reasons to me than to brush it apart with no time. But yes, the issue at hand is prioties. What is important in my life? And I work from there.

Another lesson would be that of perservence. Well contrary to many people's perceptions, I didn't come to Covenant and immediately became accepted into the community. It takes time, effort and a lot of perservence. For me it took almost a year. It was only at the dawn of this year that slowly I felt completely in the community. And I realized, that a lot of people lack this perservance to push on. CG wasn't the easiest to break through. I mean everyone knew everyone and I am like NEW. Bonds don't take 1 session to make. They take many many sessions. There were times where I felt so ousted when everyone in my CG had things to do and I was completely left alone. So many times I find myself sitting at a corner and wondering why on earth was I here in the first place. But perservance paid off. Slowly bonds begin to build, slowly I begin to interact more, slowly I begin to serve, slowly. And it took a year. A painful year given the fact that a lot of things happened in 2008. But I thank God it's over, that I found friends that I can slowly confide in within church and with IDT it comes another group of friends/sisters that I can open up to too. God is good. God is faithful.

I am beginning to be more rested in God. I used to be someone who likes being busy. It's like what Pastors had said, busy somehow is the new cool. The more busy you are means you have either more friends or more important or something. So I intentionally do 101 things to make myself look more busy. But no, I learnt, it's not the point at all. I need the rest, the time out to slowly remind myself what's important and what's not, i need the break to find the idenity (with God). When work gets over my head all the time, I lose God. And back to the prioties bit, if God is important, if my relationship with God is important, then I will give time to it. And that is one of the key reasons why I am not as active in school. I need the free time to rest.

I remembered back in JC, I was told that Christianity is not all about emotions. Even if God cannot be felt, it doesn't mean that He doesn't exist. Well I understood the point but somehow it went to the back of my head. It is until now, when I look back at my last year and I look at myself now that this point resurfaced. Perhaps it was IDT and CG that is strengthening my faith, perhaps it's the books I read, perhaps it's that I am growing old, but really, God exists period. I don't need the tingly feeling (sociogists call it the collective consciousness) during worship to know that God is the Lord of all and loves me and takes care of me.

I think I will close off this by no means complete reflection on the point of intentionality. Yes I am in intentional discipleship training but that is not the point. A christian life is an intentional life and the reason is simple, we are all fallen creatures, if we allow ourselves to do whatever our hearts want us to do, we will be a proper Christian or human being for that matter. I learnt experientially that, a lot of things need to be intentional. I need to intentionally do my journalling and to analyse the passage to learn more about God and to strengthen my faith, I need to intentionally connect with people so that I can share Christ to them, I need to intentionally build relationships and not expect a r/s to fall from the sky and the list continues. But intentionally doing a lot of things I never would do, I found joys and lessons at the most unexpected places. By intentionally talking to my mum, I found out how alike we really are. By intentionally hooking up with some old friends, I learnt how friendships can be lasting. And I learnt really,that no matter how intentional I get, I am never good enough to fit God's standard. But God says I am good enough because His grace is sufficient for me.

And I praise Him.

Thoughts about Jesus' Temptation

2009-03-20T22:40:00.000+08:00

I am pretty familiar with the temptations of Jesus. But as they always say, the beauty of the scriptures is that no matter how many times you read it, there is always something new to it. I got to testify to it.

This time I was brought to how Satan asked Jesus “If you are the son of God” which challenges our identity. Sometimes the reason why we are so desperate to prove ourselves is because we don’t know who we are in Christ. What Satan is tempting Jesus really is to prove that He is the son of God. But He didn’t need to. An easy illustration is, if I am smart when people provoke me and insult my intelligence and ask me to prove myself, do I? No I don’t need to. Often, it’s the people who are unsure of their capabilities who are oh-so-desperate to prove themselves. Therefore, I need to remind myself of who I really am in Him to know that I don’t need God’s extraordinary blessings to prove that I am a child of God. I am a child of God, period.

More about Mr Satan. Satan promised Jesus everything under the sun which is pretty self elusive. Everything belongs to God. Satan controlled a lot of things yes, but he didn’t control EVERYTHING which he claims. It reminds me of how we are often tricked by lies by the devil who seem to promise us that if we turn our backs to God, we will get everything. Not true. The devil tries to tempt us by saying our own strength can do everything. Not true. God is the one who created the heavens and the earths and everything. He is THE one who has control over everything. By extension, sometimes, we lose sight of God’s enormous glory while giving in to the devil’s short term gains. We trade God’s grand purpose for us for devil’s temporal joy. Quite stupid on hindsight, but don’t we do it all the time, consciously and subconsciously? When we don’t see the eternal joy, hope and life in God, we accept whatever Satan gives us and miss out the thing of ultimate importance in our lives.

And I thought the study bible puts in the next line in a nice way.

“Jesus refuses to demand God's protection on his own terms. Such a demand is neither faith nor loyalty; it is sin.”

I think it’s a line that is worth thinking over. It talks about the nature of God and our alliegence. God is not a money tree whom we call upon whenever we need help. Sin, simply defined, is walking away from God. The fact that we are demanding Him to protect us shows that we assume that we are Lord which is obviously not true. We can’t demand God to do all these when He is the one who created us right.

Sunday Best

2009-03-16T16:04:00.002+08:00

I havent't did a proper blog post in a long while, no? Well I do type something everyday because I am forced to do devotional journal but nothing specially for this, no? So let's talk about Sunday today.

Apparently, due to my absolute lack of time management, I have not completed what I needed to do by Sunday and it's due on Monday. *Gasp* So I was struggling very badly on whether to breka my promise to Daddy God to not work on Sabbath or to stick on with the promise - bearing consquences. Well, it's not that bad I tried to reassure myself, the paper is due at 6pm and I can get up in the morning to do it and make it for my project meeting. It's not that bad. Of course my heart is saying, no and trying to explain it doesn't work that way. In any case, so I decided that maybe I really should spend the time in prayer and dug out some of the old Christian songs that touched me along my Christian life and, well I was blessed. I haven't felt so close to God for sometime, I haven't thrashed things out with God properly for a long long while. Unlike the previous times where I get this wow emotion,this time, it's just bland, me and God. I don't know, it's weird. Perhaps this is what they call the next stage of teh Christian walk where it's really not all about the FEELING but the deep seated knowledge that He exist and He is speaking to me. I don't need to feel God to know that He exist because HE exists as a fact.

In any case, after that I went to bed and all only to find myself UNABLE to sleep because I was boggled by certain issues. And behind my head was like, die already la. If I can't sleep means that I can't wake up tomorrow and the whole work issue begin to pile on my head. And I still couldn't sleep till a long while later.

By some miracle I managed to wake up in time (seriously, 7am is a feat for ME). And I thought that maybe I should honour God in spite of all these and do my DJ for the next one hour and utter a short prayer. So I ended up starting work at 8.

And everyone was done.
The project meeting ended.
Nothing big happened.
God brought me through.

I learnt what it means to honour God.
=)

A short note

2009-02-28T13:13:00.002+08:00

114pm on a Saturday afternoon and I just woke up not long ago.

This short post is for you, I know I don't exactly talk to you about the most serious of things because well, sometimes just your presence makes a lot of things alright because you are just so jolly and you are just so good at cheering people up in your own way (really, only you can do that)

I just wanted to say, don't be afraid alright. Everyone falls, sometimes. But the thing is, because the danger of falling is so real and so close, that is what makes life challenging. Great people do great things, but great things don't come without a risk. It's like gambling, the greater the stakes, the result is a big win or a big loss. Scary as it sounds, but hey, if you are just going to be so afraid and withdraw, then you are dumping an oppotunity to do great things in your life. Take it as challenge, try your best, well if you fail, I believe that God will always have a way out, somewhat. But sometimes, it might be better not to think about the future, but do the best of what you can now and let the future unfold itself. I don't know about you, but in my own life, when I look back at some of my worst times, I was actually glad that I have been through them and yer know, the greater the challenge reaps the greatest rewards. You know, the feeling that YES I finally made it after so much hard work, the victory is exceptionally sweet.

Anyhows, love yer and I will see you in about 9 months. When you are back it would be exam period for me, so we will have our fun after my exams in early Dec alright? Don't commit suicide okay, I still want to fool around with you.

Love yer =)

Death and All His Friends

2009-02-22T21:19:00.000+08:00

Coldplay- Viva La Vida
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

Birthday List

2009-02-22T18:54:00.004+08:00

Woo hoo =)
It's my birthday in less than a month so I better start thinking od what I want to get for my birthday. This is just a draft list.

1. An ipod
2. A new sony ericssion phone
4. Books xD (Good old Christian Books. And again, if you don't know what I like to read, you don't know me ver well. History and Pol Sci books are welcomed as well)
5. CDs (If all else fails buy a cd that you know I will like. I will love you very much. And if you don't know my music taste it just shows you don't know me enough)
6. Boots. Jeans and boots are a good match. With skirts too.
7 Something intanglible. Like spending a day with me is fine as well. It's pretty sweet as well

DO NOT BUY ME PHOTOFRAMES. OR SOME USELESS ORNAMENT WHICH I DUN USE THANK YOU.
Give me cash instead.

A Quote

2009-02-07T22:47:00.000+08:00

Once a man says, "I hate my Life!" But God smiled and gently said, "Who asked you to love life? Love me and life will be beautiful."

Random Ramblings

2009-01-27T02:49:00.003+08:00

2.49am on the second day of the Lunar New Year.

I realized I haven't been blogging about things in general when there are quite a few things floating in my mind. First, it's my apparent introvesion. I mean I am still as noisy when I am around people but somehow, I get very catious of what I say. A more apt description would be that, I start to re think of things I say to people and wonder if I offend them. It is as though I don't trust myself to offend other people anymore. The cause of this is not unknown, but it's pretty inappropiate to share on a public platform. In any case, as much as I am glad for company during lecturers (and thanks God for that), I seem to derive more satisfaction either being alone or with my dear cousin Sarah Jane. Somehow she can't seem to be offended, or maybe it's just cause I know her too long. But that's about it. And nowadays I keep wondering if I speak too much at certain occasations and sometimes I just feel like shutting up altogether. But somewhere in my mind I am being ticked to talk and I feel bad all over. Maybe it's because I am innately someone who likes to talk? Or I am being so cheery and talkative for so long that my mind needs time to readjust to the quiet side of me?

And speaking of readjustment, honestly, while I am pretty introverted recently, I realized that this particular Christmas/CNY has been exceptionally emotional to me as well. It's not that I never felt like that before but rather, due to my relations to a certain someone, I was taught to feel, for real, not in my imagination. When someone tasted the joy of companionship, loneliness becomes suddenly, very acute. If I can ever quantify feelings, I don't think the quantity ever changed but rather my perception of it changed. The empty train on my way home on CNY eve only reminded me how everyone had a nice big family to go back to on this traditional festival while for me, it's just me and mum. Actually just me.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so jealous of things like that. I think it's not that I deeply desire sometimes? Perhaps it's a, why everyone has and I don't mentality. I don't like to be around too many people anyway. I am the happiest, I realized, when I am with one or two friends who can just keep talking with me. But somehow, besides Sarah (the two of them) everyone else can't seem to sustain a conversationb with me proper unless I am in big group with them because someone will sustain a conversation.

A friend once commented that I should have went to SMU instead of NUS. I smiled. Perhaps the old me should have went to SMU but right now? I just want a break from big social settings and spend some time with my friends and books. The beauty of FASS is that I love everything that I do minus Stats and there are so many readings to be cleared that I can just happily read and read and read which is of course a really good way to kill time.

And today I spent a couple of hours (4 i think) reading WW2 and another two hours (not sure) reading Coraline and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It's actually a very satisfying way to spend time actually.

Oh, on a side note, a friend came to me yesterday and said I was strong for I am still standing after all that is happening to my family. I smiled and I said, no, I am not strong. I run. I leave things behind and I move on. That's my form of closure sometimes. And there are days where I wonder whether this is a good way to close, but I guess, it's the most painless way to close for me. I am sure that years down the road everything will be fine so why should I bother now?

Quotes

2009-01-27T02:24:00.003+08:00

Another palindromic number! I am not big on numbers, but I like pretty things.

Here are some quotes from Neil Gaiman's Coraline (Yes. Not Caroline)

This was from the opening quote : Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that
dragons can be beaten.- G. K. Chesterton

'Because,' she said, 'when you're scared but you still do it anyway, that's brave.'

Coraline sighed. 'You really don't understand, do you?' she said. 'I don't want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted? Just like that, and it didn't mean anything. What then?'

=)

2009-01-20T17:12:00.001+08:00

I told God, thank you for the blessings you gave to me today (and all the days to come) and then I asked God, would you mind helping me heal some of the old wounds, I;m sorry if I asked too much. God smiled at me and say, "It's okay, that's what I sent my son down for"

Jan 19

2009-01-19T14:24:00.000+08:00

Anyway so the story of Joseph moves on to how Joseph because of his righteousness ended up in the prison. I thought it was pretty depressing at times to see that how righteous people get thrown into persecution and all when they really have done nothing wrong. But God’s way of doing things was pretty, interesting as well. God could have done the “miraculous escape” (think Peter) but instead he kept Joseph in the jail for two years (it would have been earlier if not for the cupbearer) but with the blessing to be the head of the prison. I started to realize that God always have blessings in stalled for us, it is whether we want to look at it or not. At the root of it all, Joseph was still in prison for something he did not do, so on a very secular/selfish point it’s like hey, it’s still unfair. So what if he was the prison head, he shouldn’t even be in prison the first place! It is like how we say, we study so hard, in the end, our results are crap still. Maybe God gave us other blessings (eg friends?) but we just keep harping on the study bit and we neglect everything. This part of genesis is one of the few parts of bible that God’s name was clearly written when it comes to blessings. A lot of times I had to INFER that God was behind it all. And I guess this can be used as an example to remind us that God honours the righteous in His own way, and like what Jesus always said, let those who have eyes to see, see and those who have the ears, hear. God’s message is not for the carnal world but the purified soul.

Jan 15-16

2009-01-16T02:46:00.004+08:00

Found some interesting things from my study bible. Here goes:

Repentence: Repentance is not merely a change of mind but a radical change in one's life as a whole that especially involves forsaking sin and turning to or returning to God.

Kingdom of heaven: A phrase only found in Matthew where it occurs 33 times. Mark and Luke refer to it as Kingdom of God which Matthew only uses 4 times. It is the reign of God that He brings through Jesus Christ - i.e the establishment of God's rule in the hearts and lives of His people, the overcoming of all forces of evil, the removal from the world the consequences of sin- including death and all that diminishes life- and the creation of a new order of righteousness and peace.

Inspiration came from the reading of today's bible passage where Jesus asked His disciples to proclaim the Kingdom of heaven and the question popped in my head. What is the kingdom of heaven then? So everyone plays harp and sings? Obviously not. It's about God in our lives and Jesus the lamb of sacrifice. I guess, the kingdom of heaven is really, God in our hearts and how we can all get close to Him because Jesus died for us. The word "consequence of sin" mademe think. So what are the consequences of sin? Gulit, shame, distance from God, dirty, sad. Well that was what appeared in my head. And when the study bible said, "removal from the world the consequences of sin" I guess what he meant was, firstly we can live in proximity to God, we can live without gulit or shame and we can live with joy in our hearts. On top of that, it is not to simply live for the sake of living but rather, live for the sake of something higher. That is the Kingdom of Heaven.

2009-01-12T01:41:00.002+08:00

Is current a big fan of Kuroshitsuji and is pondering about the relationship between Ciel and Sebastian. The way the author phrased the conversations and how they talked to each other makes rewatching the anime extremely interesting. Technically Ciel is the master and Sebastian the butler but one realizes that the way Ciel has to intentionally throw his weight around Sebastian. Is it a game that Sebastian and Ciel play where Sebastian is playing a fool to force Ciel to command him? (Sounds like flirting) Or is it that, the truth is, although the contract says that Sebastian has to obey every single command of Ciel, the truth is that power is within Sebastian's hands? Ciel cannot survive without Sebastian, that's for sure and perhaps Ciel knows and in the midst of this complicated relationship of reliance and dominance (I am the master, but I need you), lines get blurred. I guess Ciel at the end of the day really appreciates the fact that Sebastian will never lie to him and never betray him, for someone like him and is technically the only person that Ciel can ever trust (as illustrated by Mdm Red). Ciel places more than just responsiblity or "pawn". He did comment that Sebastian was a pawn before, but masters dun listen to pawns, do they? Ciel listens to Sebastian's advice. And as a servant, you got to admit that Sebastian is pretty brave in some of his comments, as though playing with Ciel like a friend. And then there is this personal level of relationship between Ciel and Sebastian. Ciel seemed to like to tease Sebastian as well (Greil) and why?

It's so suggestive, it's so open. That's why it's super fun to ponder.

Anyway theme song. Got hooked.

Monochrome No Kiss - SID
Our encounter is colourless　　Blown through and through　　By monochrome
I shall entrust　　Each and every bit of pain　　To you

Trace the wounds hard　　Merciless autumn is here
With its cool fingers　　Still beckoning

I'm like a taxing piece of melted ice
Gently scoop me up　　And toy with me with your upper lip

Nevertheless, I search for a single form of love
Withered eyes　　That bound the present rather than what's distant
If possible, I want to meet my end　　While enfolded this way
Pale skin　　The two of us kept to ourselves　　Even the moon is in hiding

Since then, I grew to　　Somewhat like　　The night too
In the sea of dependence　　I forget even to breathe

Leaving behind nothing but tepidity　　Right before losing ourselves
The aesthetics of abdication　　I loathe　　Your smug kisses

Don't leave me alone　　Realise that already　　And colour me
No matter which words they are　　In your room　　They slip pass and away
To get messy　　Then sleep　　Teach me something more than that?
Exhalations hesitate　　Before questions posed by a smile　　No one but the moon is watching

By the time the next long needle　　Reaches the ceiling
You won't be here anymore　　I won't need you anymore

Nevertheless, I'm sure we searched for the form of love
Damp eyes　　That bound the present rather than what's distant
If possible, I want to meet my end　　While enfolded this way
For that wish　　Night　　Helplessly　　Leads the morning here

With a gentle　　Hot　　And cowardly kiss

Let's colour it　　My last night　　The moon illuminates it

2009-01-11T17:56:00.001+08:00

On a side note, I have decided that I have been a very horrible Christian(in fact human being) to a few of my friends. I mean, honestly screaming at one half the time (and forcing him into an arguement) isn't a very nice thing. And then there is mum. Well God knows how many times I had those irriating thoughts about her and the number of vulgarity that I threw at her mentally. And then there was dad. There are days I feel like I am simply using him as a money machine. As in there have been times where I am like, I should do some nice things to dad and then it gets shuffed away (like yay). I don't know, perhaps it's a matter of prioities in my life? Is like, perhaps what my mum said is true. My friends are relatively more important than my parents which is kind of, not very right.

And then there is me and the execptionally high amount of cursing and complaining,like a lot of bulid up angst which is also like not to be. I mean I shouldn't even be complaining so much about other people. Like hello, what right do I have man? I am attributing that to the displacing of God. Like, I guess I really a prioties overhaul. And motivation to continue it.

Oh and I decided to add a thanksgiving section to my journalling everyday. Makes me more aware of God. I guess I was praying (more like talking to God but anyhows) that I would be very lonely at service today. And God gave me Joanna, Ryan and more. Whee. And there was this whole time at IDT meeting where we met frens ( I hope they don't find me too noisy xD). And I think I am going out with Sarah from the States for dinner later. YAY.

I am thinking of honouring the Sabbath actually. Like really try although I don't know how this will work out.

Jan 11

2009-01-11T17:28:00.002+08:00

God’s faithfulness in Genesis 25:12. He promised Abraham that his descendents would be as numerous at the stars in the sky and the list of descendents of Abraham showed that God honours His promises to us. God promised me that He would always be there for me and I know He will.

I also learnt that everything is really planned by God. When Rebekah asked God how come she had such a difficult pregnancy, God told her that there were “two nations in your womb and the two peoples from within…. The older shall serve the younger.” Only upon reading the study bible did I realize the significance of this whole issue. Further down, I read that Esau sold his birthright to Jacob over a bowl of stew (on a side note, I guess God is also reminding me not to give up His promises for me over trivial matters. For example: Friends because compared to the promises of God, these are well, stew). On the surface it may seem that, Esau was plain stupid. But the study bible brought me back to the prophecy that God told Rebekah. God meant for it to happen. During Esau and Jacob’s time, the inheritance (or birthright) was always given to the older son so physically there is simply no way (even metaphorically) for the “older to serve the younger”, in other words, it is ridiculous. God thus knew and planned for this Esau incident to happen such that his prophecy would come true. This again refers back to the part about how God always keeps His promise. If He said it, He would do it. He would change the heavens and earths. I was reminded about the birth of Jesus. Isaiah prophesized that Jesus would be born in Bethlehem but obviously Mary and Joseph were not technically residents there. So how did God fulfill His promise? He moved the whole nation in a census just to prepare for ONE birth. The notion that God would also do that for me to fulfill His promise to me is simply gripping.
I also learnt how to please God. Genesis 26:4 God told Issac that all his offsprings would be blessed because “Abraham obeyed my voice and kept my charge, my commandments, my statutes and my laws”. It reminded me that I did not need to do funny services to please God (eg: Serve in 101 ministries) but rather what He was looking for was really obedience which is possibly harder than, for example, serving in 101 ministries. God is trying ask me to take a look at my life and remind me that a true Christian is one who obeys, so it doesn’t matter how “high up” I am in the church hierarchy.

The new testament shows me another side of Christianity which is pretty sentimental to me. Matthew was one of the first books of the bible I read and a lot of the truths are like old friends to me. First, Jesus talked about the price of discipleship in Matthew 8:20 where He said “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head” and to another person He said in verse 22, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead”. In the first, I guess Jesus highlights how following Jesus means to we have to lose our homes. I don’t think He meant that we should all move out of our homes and live in nunneries but instead I guessed He meant that we would lose the citizenship of this earthly home. In the New Testament Paul said something to the effect of the world is not our home, we are simply ambassadors to this place called Earth and our eternal home is in heaven. I guess Jesus is implying that by becoming disciples of Christ we may be left out in the world and of course that doesn’t feel good and He is trying to warn this man about it.

In the second, leave the dead to bury their own dead. I remembered the first time I read this I began to understand that God calls for immediate action. He doesn’t want us to be “I want to wait until we work, I will wait until I will have more time to serve God” but He wants us to follow Him now. But today, when I re read this, it began to unfold another issue altogether. I guess the man whom Jesus directed this to must be quite upset that he can’t bury his parents, it is also a tradition that children should bury their parents. I begin to imagine the anguish of the man when he has to literally leave everything to follow Jesus. I guess Jesus also forewarns us that as disciple, there are sacrifices to be made, there will be times where we have to give up the things that we don’t really want to and it is going to hurt.

Here comes one of my favourite verses of the bible which comes as a rhetorical question: Why are you afraid, O you of little faith”. Every time I read this verse, I am reminded how faithless I am. Just take now, I am so worried about starting school on the wrong foot and God seems to be telling me “Why are so afraid, I am in control, do you not trust in me” and I get really embarrassed about it. So yes, point being, God is always in control, if He said He will, He will.
And there is this part in the closing of the Matthew section of today’s reading which I possibly missed the last time I read. But I thought it was pretty surprising. So, Jesus chased away demons by driving them into the pigs and the pigs jumped into the river. If I were the villagers I would probably be like “Thank you Jesus!” but apparently the contrary happened. The villagers “begged him to leave their region”. My reaction to this was : HUH? According to the study bible (it is the best invention in the world, seriously.) it was probably because the villagers were upset that Jesus chased the demon into the pigs and the pigs drowned themselves because it meant income loss. And yes, they decided that Jesus was less important than money and they rather have a demon around than to end up losing pigs (ie money). I guessed this is a real life analogy for priorities in life. So what is more important? Money or God? I mean me reading the bible would call the villagers stupid, honestly, if Jesus was alive today I would be like, stay for a while longer! It’s something on the lines of if Pastor Edmund were to stay in my house, I would be like yes! And I would consult Him about life and everything instead of chasing him out. But sometimes, I guess, we are too blinded with our money or worldly possessions and there are really times where I am maybe, studying hard and when God knocks and say, “Child I want to talk to you,” and I go, “Shoo, I want to study”. And I got to chance out of it. If God is indeed of paramount importance in my life, then, He will always come first, not other materialistic possessions.

Psalms reminds me that while the world says an eye for an eye, God says, lift it up today. Psalms 10 describes a man in affliction and his adversaries are closing in and what nots. But there was no hint of I will kill them or an eye for an eye. He goes to God and say that He knows (although it seemed like God is turning a blind eye to his sufferings) and He will bring justice. God reminds me to surrender all the hatred, all the revenge thoughts into His hands. He understands that I am upset especially over like him. I admit I do have faults in that but my mind keeps telling me that hey, He has a part to play as well! He deserves me screaming at him. But God is gently reminding me that hey, let Him do the justice. If indeed Jeremy was in the wrong, He will deal with it and not me. I have no right to exercising judgment when a)I probably do not know the whole story and b) I am sinful myself. Is like, pot calling kettle black which isn’t very helpful to any relationship. C) God wants us to love at the end of the day. I guess it also boils back to trust, I know God will deal with it at the end of the day, so I don’t have to hold on certain issues so tight (which God never intended anyway)

Last bit from the proverbs linked directly back to today’s sermon. It said clearly “Be not wise in your own eyes, fear the Lord and turn away from evil”. It reminded me strongly of what Pastor Edmund said about rationalizing. I guess God did give us brains to do theological contemplations but not what we think is right in the eyes of God, I,e: No adultery means no adultery there is no, but my husband don’t love me, I have the right to seek another partner. I guess that is also meant by fear of the Lord, at the end of revelations God did say something to that effect to John before, anyone who adds or subtracts anything from His word would be judged by God. I guess God is trying to point to me to especially when it comes to like my parents where I claim, “But mum is mean to me” but God says “Honour your parents” and other incidents such as I claim “I really can’t stand A” and God says” Love thy neighbours”. Looks like I really gotta start accepting the hard truths of God the way it is not the way I want it to. And it looks pretty hard.
On a side note, IDT is starting this coming Friday, I don’t know whether I can commit but I guess, if God placed me there it would be all fine right.

Prayer requests: I am hoping to drop my tuition in a godly way so that I can free up time to engage in more meaningful pursuits. I hope him and I can be mended in a godly way. I hope I can start school year right and cope with demands. I want to fully enjoy school for what it is. I want to fully commit to IDT and to growing in God.

Sunset / Life

2009-01-06T00:39:00.002+08:00

Someone commented that I haven't bloggedfor a while. It's not that I died or something (thank God), it's just that laziness had caught up to me, so I will share fragments of things that I remembered from the past few days.

I think one thing was that, yesterday, while walking home, I noticed that beautiful pink-orange shade across the sky. Sunset it was and its beauty captivated me. It was then I thought about God and how it was Him who created the world. A world so beautiful. My God really isn't a sadist God who enjoys making people suffer, He is definitely artistically inclined and loves beautiful things. Don' they God always has a plan for us? When I looked at the breathtaking sunset, another thought crossed my mind. If God can make such beautiful sunsets, I guess my future will be as beautiful as this because afterall, it's the same hands that crafted it. I was then drawn into the reassurance of Him that hey, everything will turn out well. And I smiled.

And there was me on my bus trip back today. And a thought stroke me. Actually life isn't that bad afterall. There are my cousins, they are some of my closer friends whom I have been hanging out with. I have got enough cash to pamper myself once in a while (facials lols). I have an uni to go to. I got into FASS and I can do the aarts modules that I really enjoy. I got myself some church frens and perhaps gonna get involved in other campus activities as well. And of course there is always God who promises to take care me, whom I know dearly in my heart that at the end of the day, He is the solid rock I stand and all the ground is sinking sand. That I know that if I place my trust in Him, it would turn out right somehow.

And I am much happier =)

God's Best

2009-01-01T23:48:00.002+08:00

Edmund shared this during the message yesterday. He was choosing a house with a certain budget and because his budget was so small that the agents could only find a house that is dark and gloomy. He was very close to closing the deal when something in his heart prompted him not to. And as the story goes, a few days later he got a house in TOWN with a housekeeper and what nots and within the budget.

Of course it is easy to say that Edmund's story was an exception and it sounded like one of those crappy prosperity gospels that says God will always bless if we do something etc (Although God always wants to bless. But there is a fine line between misinterpretations). But his point that day was that, never settle for something that is second best. This is also echoed in a mail I recieved a few days back about this boy and the circus. In summary, this boy who has never seen a circus performed before had mistakenly thought that the show has finished before it even started because he saw a parade of the animals and all as they were moving them into the tent.

God seemed to silently remind me that things may look good at first, but what God always intended for us will always exceed what we can ever imagine if we simply obey and follow. Always remember to honour God before all else. And following this thread, I realized that I was glad that somethings happen. I was glad that God took some things away from me. I was horrendously upset when God took things away from me (who doesn't) thinking how God's unfair and all. But now when I finally look back, I realized, all I want is to thank you God for taking it away from me.

Let me wait for God's Best for me .

More Than These

2009-01-01T19:24:00.001+08:00

I got a strong feeling that either this post if trauncated or it would be super long. A lot thingds has happened and tehre is just so much to thank God and to blog about even in this new year that has just barely started. A brief summary before I go into the details. There is always first the RAYS Countdown last night which was more successful than I thought and all I could say was, it wasn't me, it was God. I literally saw God's fingerprints all over the event and I know that whatever that we had done was not good enough, but God himself was enough. And even at the watchnight service the message by Edmund was inspiring, the worship spoke to me and I find myself kneeling down and saying, God take all of me. And then there was QT today which again consolidate a lot of things that I have been thinking through the past few days and reminding myself how God himself is indeed the centre of it all.

Let's start with what God told me yesterday as watchnight service. I was and worshipping God when I could clearly heard God whisper to me this few verses. The ironic thing is that this is not the first time these verses came to me, if anyone would to dig back to the older entries he would find that this is prob the second time God used these verses.

John 21:15-19
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"
He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."

The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

I had always identified with Peter, the reckless disciple of Christ. No doubt that Peter loved God, but He did stupid things as well and perhaps, he would be well remembered for denying Christ three times. Well, I probably denied Christ more than three times in my entire life but as with the first time I came across this passage, God reminded me that, I could still be reinstated because God Himself still loved me and cared about me. But today, God gave me two other revelations from this passage. Firstly it is the phrase, "More than these". This, in line with Edmund's message yesterday, called for surrender. The question I found God asking me was, Do I love him more than my grades? Do I love Him more than my time? Do I love Him more than my friends, my relationships, my possessions, money etc etc. Basically in short, do I love Him more than LIFE? Do I love Him more than everything that I have now. It would be nice and easy to say that yes God I would give up all. But I am a a fallen human afterall. It's not easy to go to God and say, I love you more than money. It's okay if I don't have all the luxuries I have now (eg money to buy clothes) to follow you. But it is then that I come to the realization that this is what God demands of me, complete surrender. And while most bible scholars said that Jesus asked Peter the same question three times in reponse to the three times Peter denied Christ, I guess another hidden meaning to this is that, God is trying to ask him again and again, did I mean what I said. It stresses that it's not easy to love Christ. It's a path filled with rocks and obstacles and Christ Himself wants to ask me if I was sure of my decision given the risks. As a disclaimer, I am not saying that being a Christian is tough, God would always love us and take care of us etc. But the truth is, there is still a "hard" bit of Christianity and that cannot be ignored if we truly loved Christ. I felt as though God asking me, so, do i really love Him? There are consequences aswhat Jesus said, to indicate the kind off death that Peter would go through.

And my answer to God is simply this, I would follow you, but help me to overcome my human weakness and my stubborn grasping on certain stuff.

New blogskin

2008-12-31T14:48:00.002+08:00

New year so new blogskin alright xD I had a few in mind but since it's the new year and we should all start the new year will on a less emo note, so presenting you.. D Gray Man CHIBIS! I know artistically wise it's not the most wow thing. But it's cute and light. A good way to start 2009 right. xD

Enjoy!

Realignment

2008-12-31T14:20:00.002+08:00

To the end of 2008. The year passed like super duper fast for me. Why is it that as we grow, time seems to pass faster? Or is it because we were beginning to do too many things such that the same amount of time seemed to shorten? I blogged about my year in my other blog so I should not go back to whining about how I screw up my 2008 and what I have learnt. It's time to look forward. I guess, what I really want to do, is to live life for all that it is. I want God back in my life. I want to live my life, chiefly as God's beloved seeking to establish a relationship with Him. That should be my only purpose in life. Things like money can take a backseat in comparsion. I want to enjoy my university life, I want to start anew, living life as He desired and to the fullest. And that also include things like studying hard for my exams, get myself involved in school life etc. I want to live complete.

2008-12-26T02:40:00.003+08:00

There are a few things that stood out during QT today. I shall neglect the morning one, it seems so rushed and anyhow doned -_- (And yes I know the word doned does not exist).

The first thing is of graditude. I guess I never realized how lucky I was until I slowly looked back today. I am lucky enough to get to go to a church, to have so many resource about God that is available to me, a nice bed to sleep on, a house to live in, a school to go to etc. Most importantly, I was lucky enough to go to God with all my needs and peitions. There are many people in the world who don't even know that God exists and they live in a cycle of guilt, or the pursuit of material wealth or emotional wellbeing that leaves them more empty than ever. They may be crying out for something more but they never where or how to find it. I realized that I have been taking prayer itself for granted. It is easy for us to simply just utter a prayer, not knowing that first, it was because Jesus' death on the cross that absolved us of all sin that we were even worthy enough to go to God in prayer. As I was reading Deutromony, I was reminded that, if not for Jesus, we would be like the people at those times; when we have problems, we have to go through Moses who would then go to God. Because of Jesus, we can immediately go to God at any time of the day and pray for his assistance. I think, this in itself is a privilege and it's strange how a lot of people, my self included takes this for granted. Prayer to Him is a gift.

Today's Closer to God talked about how cultural differences determine certain perceptions about God. I took a quick trip about my own upbringing and what nots to find out more about my own perceptions about God. For those who don't know, I am a first generation Christian brought up in a Chinese family, they aren't too religious but there's def lots of cultural influences in their actions and speech. Anyhows, I guess firstly, there is somehow a very deep (mis)conception that I need to do enough things to please God before He can bless me or even talk to me. I guess it's due to the fact that many Chinese believe that the more good you do, the more good you would get. And if something bad happens, it's because that person had offended a god(s) and he/she is getting punished. Christianity on the other hand is vastly different in a sense that, God makes it clear that we are so sinful that even if we do good, it doesn't really help much. The only reason why we can still enjoy so much privileges is because God loved us and decided to use Jesus as the lamb (in ancient times, ie old testament, the Isrealites uses lamb themselves and slaughter it as though the lamb atones the people's sins) for our sins and crucify Him such that through Jesus, we are absolved of all the blame. Of course, as a disclaimer, that doesn't mean that we can do all the bad things we want to, because God is a God of justice and when we finally see Him again, He will still hold us accountable. But the main point being, we don't get blessings by doing good, He just gives. And that is a fact hard to swallow sometimes for myself and perhaps for many other people. But of course, after going through this, it makes me easier to understand why other prebelievers and new Christians have a problem when it comes to this whole issue. Such cultural influences are very hard to get rid of and I believe that some Christians go around not even knowing that their perspective is warped in a sense.

Another cultural aspect that I realized am very close to me is the fear of the Lord. Not the good one, sadly. I realize that I get so scared about how God will punish me when I sin that after I do something wrong, I run. I guess this has partially got to do with all the Chinese serials I have been watching where they protray this angry God punishing the whole world or something. Again, disclaimer, that doesn't mean the Christian God is stupid and tolerates all sin but the point is, He loves first. So basically if I have done something wrong and I am willing to repent (think Jonah), He will forgive me and accept me back. Of course, if I am hard headed and refused to recongise my own mistakes, He will still tear me down (think: Israel and how it was destoryed by God). But back to the main point, God is loving, so it's really fine for me to go back to Him although I screw up big time (time and again).

A final cultural influence would be that of the distance of God. I believe that only Christianity offers a personal God who cares about MY wellbeing. My chinese background seems to tell me that, hey, God is this high up being who has a lot of power but is not interested in me. The Chinese gods especially, seems to be more concerned about squabbling among themselves (credit: chinese serials) then the people. The Guan Yin is especially loved by people simply because he (yes, it's a he, not she) is compassionate and saves people showing how other Gods don't seem to care. But again, the Christian cares about me, and everything I do, from the clothes I wear to the big decisions I make.

Further down in the analysis, there is this part about how most people expect a saviour to be some king who would start a rebellion to break the bondage of Rome etc and not a baby (ie Jesus). I guess it reminded me again that God is a creative God. He is not limited by our imagination or our expectations. To put God in a box and expect Him to behave in a certain way is a sure fire to get disppointed. I guess it's a timely reminder to let Him work the way He wants to instead of complaining or be in disbelief. And at the end of the day, as a song goes, If we can't see His hand, trust His heart. He loves us no? So whatever He does will be for our own good.

Today's worship song's pretty touching as well so I am posting the lyrics (I think I posted it before but hey, since it spoke to me again I shall post it again) The parts of the song that touched me was firstly that how insignifant I am compared to world. Honestly, God doesn't need to care. I am such a small thing as compared to the universe that even if I died, it really doesn't matter. God lives for eternity but my life has a cap that looks so short (like a split second) to God. My existance is so short and so.. forgettable. But the point is, He still does and He does it not because I am all good or what, but because He is afterall, the God of love. And I realized that all I could do is simply worship Him and admire Him for all He is. It's exceptionally encouraging to know that, He wants me to rise again and to calm my inner turmoils. He cares. And in the midst all, I'm His. I'm His.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

2008-12-24T00:32:00.001+08:00

For the fun of it I decided to read The Message Bible for Exodus and Deuternomy and there were a few things that stood out for me. Disclaimer first, this is the Message Bible which means I am not technically reading for the particular verses but rather the plot of the story and how the main themes are expressed. While reading, I realized that these books were splendid in understand who God really is. Within these pages, we see the God of miracles (the ten miracles against the Pharaoh), the God of care (how He took care of His people for 40 years. It was stated that their shoes did not spoil and how manna was provided everyday for 40 years such that they won't go hungry), the God of anger (How He was so angry at the golden calf that He literally sent Moses back.And how He finally decided that Moses' generation will never see the promised land) and the jealous God (it was written again and again how He demanded the people to love Him and only Him and worship no other Gods). God is not simply this grandfather figure we always try to imagine Him to be, He is a complex mix of everything which makes it hard to fanthom, yet fascinating to find out more. He is strict yet He forgives readily. He gets really angry at sin but yet after the people sinned at Him again and again, somehow they are not dead yet. The more I think about it, the more I find myself staring in awe at Him. He is not not any gods that are created from gold and silver but the God. For He told Moses, "I AM who I AM" and that is indeed how special He is. This is the God we worship and indeed who compares to Him.

Besides finding out more about God, I guess this whole Exodus story preludes our own personal stories as well. God saved the people from the slavery in Egypt with all the signs and wonders and before long they were complaining to Moses why he brought them out of Egypt. They claimed that at least there was food in Egypt and it was more comfortable. And when Moses wasn't around for 40 days and 40 nights, they decided that they needed a golden calf to worship. It did remind me of myself. God saved me from the darkness I was in and all the misery I have been through but before long, I started regretting being a Christian. I can't curse using God's name, I can't do this and that, I have to honour my parents etc. Christianity became some kind of burden which I felt like running away from. I thought being a non christian was better, at least I could do what I want. Then other things started to be more important to me, like having fun, grades, relationships etc. And I angered God. But like what He did to the people, He forgave me. He continued to shower me with the blessings that I don't deserve. Moses made a pretty apt point. SOmetimes, when blessings come our way, like how the people were winning the war against the various enemies, we start to think that it's our own strength that did it. In the first place, we are probably too frail to do anything. Second, as what God told Moses, it was because those lands sinned against God and He wanted to place a judgement on them which was why the land ended up to the people. It was not because the people were so obeidient or God was a God just just loved for the sake of loving. It was therefore, not anyone's mere strength who got these blessings or in the Moses' time, the battles. I guess that is what spending time with God is all about. Besides putting all our peititions to Him and asking for guidance or seeking that moment of peace in this busy world, it is also about reminding ourselves that we are not the one who made it all complete. It is Him. It is so easy to fall into this I am so good trap and it was though we were the one that put it all together but in reality we aren't. And we need to remind ourselves everyday that He is the absolute Lord who makes all things happen.

One last thing before I end this post. I have briefly mentioned this already. I realized that what God really cannot stand is when we worship other Gods before Him. I don't think he meant simply other religious Gods but rather things like money, grades, relationship, pleasure etc. He is a jealous God and He demands all our attention to Him. On the surface it may seem that this God is possessive over his created beings but I guess, the main reason is that, we would always self destruct when we worship anything but Him. What He really is trying to do is to love us. He knows that the only way that we can live life fruitfully is when we live it with Him in the centre. That is the, I believe, the chief reason why God is so "possessive" over us. He simply wants us to live the better life. And for that I guess, I can thank God and to somehow always remember that indeed, we should worship no other gods but Him alone. It is the first commandment of the old covenant and the first of the new as well. Love and serve Him only. In a stricter note, that would mean that if we are serving and loving other things, we are in short breaking one of the most fundemental principles of Christianity.

2008-12-23T21:24:00.002+08:00

Let me comment on the the new cigareete banding thing. For the ignorant ones, basically Singaporean government has decided that all cigarettes should have this label around it (Yes EACH stick) to prevent illegal cigarettes from being sold in Singapore. Refer to this website : http://www.customs.gov.sg/topNav/new/SDPC+Cigarette+Marking+Regulation.htm

Now as much as I applaud the government in their attempts in trying to curb the problem of the selling of illegal cigarettes, but I am not exactly sure whether their plans would work. Unlike money, where the process of printing is highly detailed and uses a lot of technology where people can't imitate, this SDPC label is so easy to copy! Maybe the authorities felt that because the label is imprinted on every single stick, the amount of extra work it entails would derail the illegal sellers. I do not agree for the very simple reason that if there is a mass provider for all these illegal cigarettes, then I guess for them, in the long run, copying the label would still earn them a whole lot of cash. Maybe it would be lesser as more work is needed for labelling but at the end of the day, they still earn.

And there is whole thing about catching people who violate the law. Honestly, is the policeman going to see the cigarettes of everyone and say hey, you are smoking an illegal cigar! This possiblity is relatively unlikely.

So in short, I am skeptical about this scheme.

2008-12-23T01:25:00.002+08:00

Why does it hurt so bad, like a dark force trying to intrude into my heart, trying to rob me of life?

If, you are the temptation,

Is it time for me to start

Fleeing?

2008-12-22T14:44:00.001+08:00

For some reason, the QT for the past two days hasn't been very inspired by the Word. I was touched by Pslams 139 two days back but that was about it for the Word. On the other hand, Closer to God (a devotional) has been more inspiring. I didn't get any new insights per say from it, but because Closerto God for this week is Isaiah and how after sinning so badly, at the end of the day, the Lord still decided to let them come back to Jerusalem with more riches than ever before. It reminded me strongly about the prodigal son story where after the son squandered away all the money, at the end of the day, the father not only still welcomed back but even had a feast for such an unfilal son. I guess, at the end of the day, no matter how badly I have sinned against God, so much so that sometimes I wonder if God still would love me, the truth is He still does. It's not that God owed me anything but rather he loved me too much to accept such an assymetrical relationship. Two things came to mind thereafter. First, I really don't derserve what God di to me, but He still did. ALl I could do is to stare in awe of Him and say, hey Daddy, You didn't have to do that. Secondly, it made me feel more hopeful. I don't know whether it's just me but I seem to have a tendency to run away everytime I feel guilty. It's not just God, it's everything under the sun. Eg: I am coming home later but I know my mum doesn't like it, I don't even want to tell her anything until i absolutely have to do so when the ending might have been happier if I had told her earlier coz it at least it showed that I am more responsible. The same thing gors for God, everytime I sinned, I run. Something like what Adam and Eve did when they sinned against God. And I was just so scared to retrun. The passgs served to remind me that, hey, God still loved me. It granted me courage to start tore do my QT and to seek more. It reminded me that God is not a kill-joy who sought to punish for the sake of punishing. If He ever punished, it was out of love and desperation.

Today's QT, somehow God seem to focus me on certain aspects. First is the fact that He is MY God. God is not a God just stands at the sidelines and just watch things go, ie: He is not a spectator. He is my God, He is interested about me. He wants to help me. Although sometimes I don't seem to see His hand, I can trust His heart that He cares about me. Even if the world failed and I am the only person left today, He would still sustain the world for me. I was important and I was special. Because He is my God, I can go to Him with all my requests and complains and He would still listen to me. He wants to see me happy, hopeful and peaceful and He knows that the only way for me t attain true joy, hope and peace is through Him which is why sometimes things happen to remind me of that. But at the heart of it all, He's the God who just want the best of me. And when I put this into perspective, I realized, my true motivation for being joyful and all is really because God created and wanted me to be. Granted, I can't attain all these on my own but what I can do is to desire this and want to be like and let Him work.

In closing, there was another thing that God reminded me about. I guess it feels horrible to be always looking at people around you and comparing how you are never good enough. The truth is, we are never good enough to begin with. We are fallen creatures. But it's hard to reconcil the fact that God said we were special and what nots but yet when we look around, everyone seems to have better talents than us. God has gently reminded me firstly of my comparing spirit, don't ever compare sufferings or talents and start feeling miserable. If God created me, I must be somehow fine. Another thing that He said was that sometimes we just isolate certain talents and we say he we are noit good enough. When God said that we are good enough (though fallen, ie the original creation was good enough), He meant us as a package. To isolate certain parts of us and say hey this is better/worse off than others is obviously is misjudge. Also, God's defination of better/worse/good enough is very different from us.I don't really know what's His defs are, but I am quite sure our conventional def doesn't really reflect what God meant when He say that we are good enough.

2008-12-21T11:18:00.001+08:00

A quick one. Will expand on it when I have the time.

1. God is always in control.
No matter how bad things can be or seems to be be, He is always in control. And since we know that He loves us, the fact that He is in control means that things will turn out right at the end of the day. It may not turn out the perfect way that we wanted it but it will be fine. So there is no need to excessively worry about certain things.

2. Our identity is in Him and Him and alone
To realize that at the end of the day tha we are indeed in the world but not of the world thast our worldly possessions (be it material or emotional) does not define who we are. We are simply, the children of God, any other labels do not matter and should not even be sought. It really doesn't matter we get straight As or straight fails because at the end of the day our grades do not determine who we are. Neither does how we dress, how much money we have etc. To the basics, we are simply God's created, meant to love him and adore Him. Period.

3. God sustains us throughout everything
It may seem extremely abstract to say that God sustains us throughout everything, but if anyone has been through it I guess he/she will agree with me. At the end of the day, He is the constant companion and the unfailing friend. When all else fails, He never does. Some people complain why God allowed certain things to happen but as long as can take comfort in that no matter what happens, He will be our best friend who will be with us through thick and thin, I guess, a lot of things feel better. Afterall when all else fails, He will be there. And we can be sure that He will be there, I think that's more than good enough.

4. We have no rights
While this echos of a familar national day song, it's one thing about Christianity that is relatively hard to grasp about. It's hard to give up your rights to, for example, other people treating you nicely. It is also hard to give up your rights to using your money as well. We hold such stuff so personally to us that when God tries to take anything way, we whine like brats. But then again, God gave us these things. So of course He has the right to take them away. Those things are never ours, they are His to begin with.

On the other hand, emotional rights, like how we get really angry when people make use of us, cheat us or betray us is also reflective of how we are holding on to some rights. We expect people to treat us with a certain standard, but in fact, we don't deserve any (as much as those people don't either). We are all fallen creatures, sinned various times against God and if God himself hasn't punished us yet (but instead sent His son to die and atone for our sins), I don't think flithy creatures like us have the right to go around demanding people to be nice to us. And on further thinking, honestly, God's surpassing love should be enough for us.

5. We are flithy people but God loves us.
This point has two parts. A) We are flithy and sinful. It is again hard to come to terms with the fact that we are probably as horrendous as a murderer in God's eyes. For it had been said that sin is sin, there is no such thing as big sin or small sin . They are all displeasing in God's eyes. It takes courage to look at how you have fallen short of everything and admit that really, there are a lot of things that you have done wrong. But of course, just stopping there makes us a depressing bunch of people but I guess the main reason why God points us to our weakenesses sometimes is to remind us that, although we are so horrible and so weak, He still loves us. And at the end of the day, we realize that, all we can do is simply praise and worship Him. To always rememeber that He was the one who saved us from the dark abyss although we were not worthy to be saved. And thus says the bible, we loved because He first loved us.

Till then, Ja!

Wonders

2008-12-20T13:37:00.001+08:00

The 7 wonders of the world are:
To see
To hear
To touch
To taste
To feel
To laugh
and to love.

A Poem

2008-12-16T23:34:00.000+08:00

One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Post 150

2008-12-12T15:06:00.002+08:00

Extraverts (also spelled extroverts) are gregarious, assertive, and generally seek out excitement. Introverts, in contrast, are more reserved, less outgoing, and less sociable. They are not necessarily asocial, but they tend to have smaller circles of friends, and are less likely to thrive on making new social contacts. They generally do not need to seek out excitement in others because they are already stimulated with their own thoughts and imagination.

Introversion is "the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own mental life"

They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, drawing, watching movies, and using computers. The archetypal artist, writer, sculptor, composer, and inventor are all highly introverted. An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though they tend to enjoy interactions with close friends.

Also, according to Carl Jung, introverts acknowledge more readily their psychological needs and problems, whereas extraverts tend to be oblivious of them because they focus more on the outer world. On average, extraverts also have a somewhat higher self-esteem than introverts.

Researchers have found that introverts tend to be more successful in academic environments, which extraverts may find boring.

-Source : Beloved Wiki

Appalled

2008-12-12T02:44:00.002+08:00

I am absolutely appalled by how the Americans can spend so much money on military expenditures and yet so stingy on economic aid to poorer nations. Honestly, the amount that they spend on one war alone is more than enough to finance the Africans three times round (or more than that).

Am highly highly disillusioned by human beings as well. I can't believe that there are people who can say stuff like "the price is worth it" when the price is death of thousands (more like tens of thousands) civilians and the reward is summarised in one word : Oil.

And I am starting to wonder about going into politics myself. You see, as much as idealists can try to convince me that maybe I can make a difference and what nots, the truth is, I barely can. If anyone reads enough politics or knows enough about current affairs would know that at the end of the day, it's the money that's talking. Idealism doesn't survive in politics, especially international relations. I started wondering what would happen if I myself was part of this whole whirlpool of events. Call me cowardly, but I would probably end up circuming to pressures myself and to see myself degraded to such a state one day is simply, unthinkable and scary. Would I be as heartless as those American politicans that say that deaths are worth it as long as "our interests" are secured? I don't know.

I still do like reading about politics and how it is going on in the world. Being a critic of US policy sounds a good idea as well but to be part of the system is something that I want to second think about. Do I really have to be that ruthless to climb up the ladders if I work in MFA? Or even UN? (That's provided I manage to get in as well). At this rate I am going I am probably going to become an academic all my life writing research papers.

Being too compassionate is really not such a good thing.

Diffusion

2008-12-08T22:30:00.002+08:00

"Humans are the only things on earth that do not follow the law of diffusion" - my friend

Well, sad to say but it is true. Just today when I was taking the bus home after tuitioning my two little terrors I realized that while the front of the bus was packed like sardines (I was lucky to get a nice window seat), there was a huge gap towards the end of the bus. Imagine a TIBS bus and three rows of seats worth of aisle was empty. Extremely ridiculous. I mean can't anyone see that the people in front has barely any place to stand on the bus and there you are talking away with your friends without making a single effort to move in. Honestly, ignorance is not excuable here. He (They) should be glad that the bus driver has not screamed at them yet.

And moving on, I realized my dear friend's theory holds true also for other instances besides buses. Take a look at MRT stations. Everyone seems to love squeezing in the middle cabins (I am supposing it's because it's near the escalator) with no regards to the amount of empty towards the end (or front) of the train. What's so nice about squeezing seriously. You mean it's so nice to sniff other people's sweat, stand so close to the opposite sex as though you are almost kissing each other. Maybe people are just kaypoh. They like to overhear people's convo (although I am wondering if overhearing is the right word. Everyone stands so close to each other it's as though the person's talking to you). Or maybe they are sexually deprived and they enjoy seing young couples kissing on the train.

Seriously. Use your brain.

Clothes

2008-12-08T17:03:00.003+08:00

Clothes packing is a chore but I am happily realized that (yes that was saracastic) that my wardrobe lacks essentials and I really need to throw away a lot of clothes to make way for new ones. I threw out 3/4 of jeans collection because either a) they are too old (faded black jeans is not nice. Esp when I have wore them for like 4 years? And yes they are torn and tattered as well) b) I can't fit into them anymore! And honestly throwing those stuff out makes me feel good about myself.

Now to the tops. I am quite sure there are some of my long sleeve work clothes that I can't fit. I need to find out which and out they go. There are also two striking tops that I realized I have never wore them before in my entire life! And don't feel like. I guess those got to go as well. And then I have a huge headache with regards to my sleeveless tops which are basically OLD but WEARABLE but super short. Me no like short tops at all. But they are wearable and I love sleeveless tops. I was thinking of throwing some of them out after I get new supplies of basics that I would wear out. Throwing them all all will drain my wardrobe too.

And I realized I have TONS of tee shirts as well which again I can't decide what to do with them.
But they are newer and well who throws tee shirts away right (My darling AC tee shirts and some secondary school ones yes)

And I have also gladly realized that my wardrobe lacks of essentials. Example: A little black dress (actually I do have one but it doesn't really flatter me) and a dress suit (yes that. I don't have a my jacket coz my mum claims that it is not important). And I really need to go shopping for those. Another long sleeve shirt will do fine in my wardrobe as well.

GYAA.. Why is packing my wardrobe so hard?!

And then there are shoes, my fridge...

I'm really sorry. At the end of the day, it wasn't meant to be that way. I didn't know you would have took it so negatively but that's the only time you can follow the full trail of thoughts. Not via a phone call, not via face to face. Why is it I am always screwing up stuff? I don't mean to make you feel upset you know. I really didn't.

2008-12-08T02:55:00.000+08:00

Why do things keep messing up.

This sucks,

Listing

2008-12-07T22:34:00.003+08:00

Aye Sarah, I am not funny okay :P *austere look* I have serious new year resolutions, you know, I really do wanna make my year right.

Jessie's New Year Resolutions (Draft 1)

1. I will not screw up my module choices again.
2. I will try to save some money every month (Er.. A bit impossible)
3. I will make sure I absorb myself in whatever I do.
4. I will try to make some friends in uni
5. I will live without having a bf for a year (Try la eh)
6.I will not skip lectures anymore
7. I will be more consistent in studying
8. I will be home early (if I am still staying at home that is)
9. I will try my best in doing my best for all my papers
10. I will grow up and make sure I don't wallow in stupid self pity
11. I will cut down on whining and being spoilt around people

That's for now. I will add stuff as I go on.

Things I wanna do before school starts
1. Reformat my com
2. Clear out my wardrobe (and get new clothes)
3. Get a new bookshelf
4. Replenish stationery supplies
5. Read (good books of coz)
6. Catch up with TV series
7. Find myself again.

2008-12-07T14:43:00.002+08:00

Okay I am not emo anymore.

Okay shoot me. What's with those phases man.

Anyhows, lesson learnt 101: NEVER stay at home when I am emo. Go out and have fun with friends. After that I will usually feel better.

Lesson 102: Remember that people will always fail your expectations. So even if you want to give your all, remember never to expect anything from them back.

Lesson 103: Really. He is not that good that I think. At the end of the day, perhaps it is true that it's not me who isn't worthy of him but vice versa. As much I can never know whether he loved me or not, I am quite sure now he really doesn't

Lesson 104: I am probably the happier the way I am anyway.

Lesson 105: The future is usually gonna be better than the present anyway.

M. I need to make some calls. Maybe I will post some new year resolutions and things I wanna do. Nope, not gonna do funny reflections for the time being. They are gonna make me more emo.

Till then xD

2008-11-30T14:32:00.002+08:00

Blog skin changed.

Yes, I am back to my emo self again. I hope it dies down soon but oh well. The current trail of thought that keeps coming to my mind is simply the fact that the world is indeed self serving and selfish. And yes, that kept me thinking back about my own failed relationship. I don't know, I just feel so filthy nowadays that I just don't wanna do anything.

24 hours more.

Then I can sit and rot away without thinking about anything else.

Let me..

Die away.

2008-11-28T13:41:00.002+08:00

You are the arrogant one Espada.
But you will not lose because of it
You will lose purely because of the gap between our powers.

-Kuchiki Byakuya, Bleach Epi 196

2008-11-23T14:08:00.002+08:00

I am supposed to be mugging biodiversity. SUPPOSED. Until I got super inspired to blog so I decide I better do before the inpsiration fades away.

回忆不跟你走
都积在我心中
我就有责任让它值得被珍重
It takes time to forget a relationship isn't it. But maybe, the key to it it's not that I should forget, but since the memory is with me I have the responsibilty to uphold it and keep, to make sure that it remains a piece of uncorrupted memory, a part of me, shaping me to be who I will be in the future. Of course running away and pretending to forget is the easy way out (at least so it seems) But take it from me, it is easier to confront and reconcilate. Because reconcilation lasts a life time, running away just prolongs the time. And by the time you try to look back at yourself, you realize that what was meant to build you up had become a virus that scarred you for life. Things always happen for a reason. And the most important thing about things happening is whether we can get up from it. Afterall, things ALWAYS happen. But not everyone gets up. So the life skill here is how to face the problem and solve it and not how to run away from the problem coz, trust me it does no good.

I am firm believer of crying, grieving and being angry about what's happen. Psychologists do say that humans need to let out their emotions if not they become "bottles" and when they explode, it's hydrogen bomb scale already. But after the whole period of screaming and crying, that's when we need to stare at the problem in the face., figure out what went wrong and move on. Always, always appreciated that it happened. Not, WHY this happened to me? But rather, THANK YOU for letting this happening. No one grows in a bubble. You need to fall to get stronger.

谢谢你曾让我难过

Yes, thank you for making me tear, thank you for making me cry in anger. Because if I always am gonna be so immune to everything, I have lost what it truly means to be human. Everything has a flip side and because humans can sense joy and happiness, it is inevitable that they will sense sorrow as well. It's part of the human experience. A picture needs shades of grey and black to make it complete as well, and my sorrow and anger are the greys and blacks of my tapestry of life. I don't know how it is gonna turn out at the end, probably I would only know when He calls me home but what I do know is that, it will turn out beautiful because He loves me.

我眼泪都笑了
谁还想哭呢
再勇敢地站着
找回光和热
面对你的时候
我不会舍不得
因为你已是过客
因为路有些曲折
是美的

我眼泪都笑了
谁还会哭呢
来不及完美的
就唱首离歌
想起你的时候
我不是卑微的
然而我没有遗憾
因为我已爱过你
深深的

I am glad that I loved before and it was one of the best times in my entire life. I will never forget our dates, our conversations and how we both fell sick together (extremely memorable), but I will move on, holding on to a new piece of the puzzle of my life, to thank God that he had chosen you to give me this special little piece and to know that everytime I look back, I am not crying but I am smiling. Don't they always say that the guy who makes the girl cry is not worthy of her. So if I am gonna cry anymore, you are gonna be so unworthy of me then. *shakes head* Thank you =) For always being there. For being such a good and reliable friend above all else, to always remind me that true friendship is not a fairytale but a reality. Thank you for breaking away some of the ice in my heart (though I don't think you will ever realize how much you have done to my life, really). I wish you could find a girl really really worthy of your love and not use and exploit you. =)

And I look back at myself and I remembered stuff.
The girl that he fell in love with was not someone who will wallow in self pity and whine
She falls, but she rises in resiliance.
She's got some cuts here and there, but she will wait for those to heal.
But she moves on. Because she knows, the future is waiting for her.
She knows, the future's great.
And she smiles again.

Just like you said, if we were really meant to be, we will end up together once again anyway. But if it's not, I know there is always someone better, no?

2008-11-21T21:28:00.000+08:00

They say begin with the end in mind.

Why don't we start all relationships thinking that we will break up in the end instead?

2008-11-17T16:55:00.003+08:00

Okay. My bf and I broke up. So thereby he shall be called the ex. Well, before you guys start throwing arrows and what nots, we are still friends. We had a few fights and yes, we don't hate each other.

But I thought I could do some stocktaking. I think my brain and heart hasn't 100% fully registered what has happened but well we broke up yes. I guess it has particularly taken a toll on me coz it's my first relationship and it has been one that has been better than expected. Perhaps when things are too good to be true that's when the problem start. You see, I never went into a relationship expecting all things to be perfect and I don't that that much of an expectations of a bf so when I was around my ex I was like wow, I am really enjoying this relationship.

Then things started spiralling downwards when we started spending too much time together and time together became time just to spend together rather than time spent to know each other and knowing each other intimately. Well, given my private personality when it comes to certain issues, my ex began to get upset that I wasn't sharing and the lack of personal time made me lose myself. Up till now, while my ex gave me reasons why we should break up I still felt that he hasn't given me a proper chance yet. I am getting over it, yes, but I would have preferred that we cool it off, talk things out and maybe restart in a month's time rather than a complete call off. I mean, the way he saw me was not technically true me but rather a me that was oppressed, away from God, depressed and what nots. Perhaps that was why there was a nagging unfairness tugging at my heart saying like, perhaps if he had seen me on better days maybe he wouldn't have this character-problem reason for a break up. But nahs, he decided it was final, he was so resolute, and what could I do but let go? I am just glad at least I am still sane most of the time and I can squeeze some study time in.

Sighs.

2008-11-15T09:21:00.003+08:00

In the discipline of submission, we are released to drop the matter, to forget it. Frankly most things in life are not as nearly important as we think they are. Our lives will not come to an end if this or that does not happen.

In submission we are at last free to value other people. Their dreams and plans become important to us. We have entered into a new, wonderful, glorious freedom - the freedom to give up our own rights for the good of others. For the first time we can love people unconditionally. We have given up the right to demand that they return our love. No longer do we feel that we have to be treated in a certain way. We rejoice in their sucesses. We feel genuine sorrow in their failures. It is of little consequence that our plans are fustrated if their plans succeed. We discover it is far better to serve our neighbour than to have our own way.

-Celebration Of Discipline, Richard Foster (The Discipline of Submission)

2008-11-15T00:00:00.002+08:00

On studying.
I know most people study for grades and all the what nots (to get a gd cert so that we can get a good job) but let me offer everyone a new perspective.

We will always complain we don't know what God's purpose for us is, but the truth is that, God's purpose is perhaps already revealled. To understand that, we must first debunk a myth that when God has a purpose for us doesn't mean He comes and tells us that hey I want you to be a great evangelist, I want you to be a teacher etc. At the end of the day, I guess no one can really what God's true purpose until our work on Earth is completely done and He calls us home. On reflecting from there would we then know.

But it's possible to know what is God's purpose for us right now. The things that God has already placed in our lives are part of our purpose. Take me for an example, God has made a student. And that means that God wants me to be a student. And my job is to be a good one, study well go for classes and what nots. In other words, at this point of time the purpose of God for me is to be student. I mean, He could have made me a doctor, a nurse, a working adult, an illterate woman etc. but no, He placed me right here and right now and the fact He does that, I believe that He is also expecting us to do our best in this arena that He placed us in.

As an extention, I guessed sometimes we are so obessed is searching that big PURPOSE in life that we lose sight of the purpose that He wants for us right here and right now. I guess instead of complaining and saying how God has no purpose for us, we should do the best of what we have in our hands right now for what we have right now IS the purpose of God.

And yes, that means I need to put more effort in studying. Must concentrate and do well =)

2008-11-03T21:24:00.003+08:00

Hey! I know haven't updated in a bit but now I am!

It simply sucks to be sick like for one whole week plus and with added emotional traumas from my dear mum who decided to exercise her menopausal rights to scream at me with no good reason. So yes, I am recovering (note the ing) from a sore throat, cough and stomach queasiness. SIGHS. And thanks to me and my weak body, I haven't been able to study constructively for the past few days and is currently behind time with my work. I am obviously not too pleased about that although I have been a big slacker for the past like semester due to well... too much procrastination.

Yep. And I still think my bf's house is a germ breeding ground.

2008-10-27T11:45:00.001+08:00

I learnt an important lesson about love.

If you love someone enough, you wouldn't bother if the love you gave is assymmetrical against you. The disclaimer to this statement is that, the person who is giivn the love have to realize that he or she is giving more love that he or she is taking back and is still happy giving. Ignorant giving is thus excluded from the statement because if you don't even realize that the love you are giving is asymmetrical you won't know how you would feel if you realize it one day. Morever, from my personal observations people who usually get so caught up in giving and fails to look at the whole issue objectively are desperately trying to give such that they get comfoted in either the act or giving or something that they percieve they can gain if they continue giving. That of course, is not love but rather selfishness.

Beautiful As You - All For One

2008-10-25T12:45:00.001+08:00

From the moment I saw you
From the moment I looked into your eyes
There was something about you I knew, I knew
That you were once in a lifetime
A treasure near impossible to find
And I know how lucky I am to have you

Cause I've seen rainbows that could take your breath away
The beauty of the setting sun, on any given day
And when it comes to shooting stars I have seen a few
But I've never seen anything as beautiful as you

I can't believe that I have you
I can't believe that you're here in my arms
I've been waiting a life time for you, for you
And I've dreamed about you
Pictured in my mind who I would see
But I never imagined just how beautiful you'd be

Cause I've seen rainbows that could take your breath away
(take your breath away)
The beauty of the setting sun, on any given day (any given day)
And when it comes to shooting stars I have seen a few
But I've never seen anything as beautiful as you

I've seen rainbows that could take your breath away
(take your breath away)
The beauty of the setting sun, on any given day
And when it comes to shooting stars I have seen a few
But I've never seen anything as beautiful
But I've never seen anything as beautiful as you

From the moment I saw you
From the moment I looked into your eyes

Purposeful Thanksgiving.

2008-10-25T11:51:00.003+08:00

I have a confession to make. My QT hasn't been up to par recently due to the fact that I am always spending time out, getting a huge backlog of work and thus not willing to do anything that is considered " recreation". Obviously that is a mindset flaw on my side and so here I am trying to change it. I need to and I want to spend more time with God even if it means that I have to sacrifice some of my play times. *Nods*

In any case, before I start the reflections for today, here are some thanksgiving. I wanna thank God for my bf who is indeed my soul mate and is so understanding about my cirumstances and times when I just kick a big fuss out of nothing. I also thank God for him as he loves God as much as I do. I thank God for a companion in my life journey.

I also thank God for that fact that everything always turns out right no matter what. I worry and worry about 101 things only to look back when the incident ended and say, hey, God always had itr in his hands anyway, what's so worrying about them all? I was merely wasting my efforts being paranoid about random things. Thank you God for helping me through everything. I may not see You face to face and sometimes I don't feel you around but I can always see Your deeds for me.

I thank God for making me who I am. I know I used to hate myself because I was too loud, too independent, too unsocial etc but only to realize that God had made me this way for a particular purpose. I guess if God never made me this way, I would never have met my bf and yes, share such enjoyable moments with him. On the same note, if God hadn't made me the way I am, I would never have met such great frens (you know who you are) who are much more loyal, intelligent, sensible etc than all those frens that I wanted when I was a kid.

You know what's the true beauty of thanksgiving, it is that at the end of the day, you realised that life isn't that bad and more than that life is good. And on retrospect, God is really everywhere and there is a sense of comfort knowing that no matter how far your strayed, how much wrong stuff you have done, He is still around. And everytime I think of that, I just want to spend more time admiring Him and His love.

--

The reason why this post is termed Purposeful thanksgiving is that on attending a fren's grandma service and my subsquent bible readings reminded me of the purpose of life. I guess when school work piles up, and when I spend a lot of time with half the world (except God, oops,sorry God) the purpose gets misty. It's not that I don't know what I am supposed to do but rather, in the light of all the things going on, I convienently forget (hey, I am not endorsing it okay). Maybe that's why we must spend QT everyday with Him. When we stop spending time with Him, we will start to forget His attributes and it becomes easy to be caught up with myself and my world and all the anxieties set in and you start feeling extremely miserable because life loses its meaning.

Okay I am seriously too good in getting out of point. We were talking about funeral yes. Well, the preacher(in Chinese btw) reminded us that Earth is not our final destination and if Earth is not our final destination then we wouldn't buy properties, cars or things here but in any case we can't bring these stuff into heaven. He then illustrated his point with a story about this miner who found a piece of gold. Being a poor miner, he treated the piece of gold like a treasure and when he went to heaven with that piece of gold. The angel told him, why are you holding a piece of road gold (lousy translation) and he was defending his gold saying that it's a precious gem not some road gold.The angel then told him, in heaven, all the roads are lined with gold like what he was holding in his hand and there are so much that gold is simply commonplace.

Putting the story into perspective, whatever materiallistic things we are seeking so hard now are at the end of the day, nothing in heaven. If that is so, why do we try so hard to seek for things that don't last? As what the preacher said, we come with nothing and we leave with nothing as well so therefore it makes more sense to live life in a way that means something to God. Today's QT I read a passage on 2 Tim 4:6-7

For I am already being poured out as a drink offering and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Paul said the following towards the end of his life to his protege Timothy and I thought it summed up pretty clearly what I want to achieve at the end of that day. Paul did not say stuff like I have earned so much in my business or even I have converted so many people to Christ etc. The stuff that he was felt he had completed was immaterial. It was a matter of the heart. Fought the good fight, tried his best to fight against whatever that came his way. The main point was not whether he won or not but rather, he did not give up, he fought all out. I have finished the race, again he did not quantify the "finished", but rather, just doing all that is required that God had asked him. It's not about getting the results but rather finishing what He had called you. finally, I have kept the faith.I think to me, the word faith, like what Pastor Edmund said, it's obey. Obeying God no matter what He said, coz you believed in all of Him. Again not quanitified at all, it's a matter of posture rather than a set of actions. It reminded me strongly of what people always said, God bothers about the process not the results.

The first line of the verse said, I am being poured out like a drink offering and I remembered a few years back when I was first introduced to the verse, the image of a drink offering completely poured out appeared in my mind. The same image came back to me and all I could say was, when I die and meet Him in heaven, I want to say stuff as Paul said. I want to leave without regrets.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all cirumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you -1 Thess 5:16-18

Turning Point

2008-09-22T00:11:00.003+08:00

Okay. Why is everyone asking me to post? Fine, new layout new post, everyone joyful?But it is true that I haven't typed a proper blog entry in a relatively long time so well.. And in any case I am pretty sick of repeating the same old story over and over again. Okay let's start from the beginning.

I am attached.

Yep. You haven't heard wrongly. I am attached which, for those who are slow in thinking means, I have a boyfriend (thereafter known as bf). And here's the story in a nutshell.

Last year: Got to know him as a friend. Hanged out a few times.

31 Oct to 4 Sept: Hanged out as friends, studied and gossiped together. Both of us jokingly talked about being together

4 Sept: Didn't see each other but had a 7 hr (not sure) convo. Smittened each other so much that we know we are meant for each other. We talked about, ideal romance, marriage and a common friend.

5th Sept: First date at Sakae Sushi, kept staring at each other. Couldn't eat much. He lies his head on my shoulders. I grabbed his hand while we shopped. He asked me to be his gf under the starless night.

Yep. Got it? So can I save on wasting my saliva and typing on telling everyone how it happened? I would very much prefer to keep some of these marshy things to myself.

Oh. Before you ask me what I see in him and this relationship. The answer is simple, I just love him alright? Okay I am not answering anyone's question. In another nutshell, he is sweet, caring, understanding, romantic, intelligent, domesticated. Does that help? xD

Yay. Done. Bedtime. xD

One of the things I never understood was, how come I never realized the perfect man for me was right in front of me all along?

More Love Songs

2008-09-07T21:45:00.002+08:00

走火入魔
詞／曲：阿信　演唱：阿信＆丁噹

（信）對不起　剛才我　是不是聽錯
　　　還是我　想太多　想到了昏頭
（丁）天氣不錯　開了窗吹走臉紅
（信）進一步　退一步　都害怕打破
　　　更不想　在原地　永遠作朋友
（丁）給你線索　也給我勇敢藉口

（丁）下定決心　沉默
（信）想讓沉默為我們追究
（丁）你和我　（信）這一刻
（丁）互相的　（信）耳語交流
（合）卻突然震耳欲聾

（信）一字一句一瞬間　走了火
（丁）一天一點一轉眼　入了魔
（信）忘了我從什麼時候
（丁）忘了你為什麼能夠讓我
（合）一步一步走火入魔（和我）

（信）一直猜　一直想　一直在揣摩
　　　一直到　你變成　甜蜜的心痛
（丁）如果可以　把如果變成結果

（丁）下定決心　執著
（信）就讓執著為我們突破
（丁）我和你　（信）很想說
（丁）這時候　（信）出現煙火
（合）讓情節充滿感動

（信）一字一句一瞬間　走了火
（丁）一天一點一轉眼　入了魔
（信）忘了我從什麼時候
（丁）忘了你為什麼能夠讓我
（合）一步一步走火入魔

（信）一字一句一瞬間　走了火
（丁）一天一點一轉眼　入了魔
（信）如果你有相同感受
（丁）感受到有種突然的衝動
（合）放肆一次走火入魔（和我）

When God Made You - Newsboys and Natalie Grant

(Guys)

Its always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And i've never been so sure of anything in my life

~chorus~

Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when he created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

(Girls)

Ooo ooo,I promise that wherever you may go, wherever life may lead you,
With all my heart I'll be there too.
And from this moment on I want you to know,
I'll let nothing come between us, and I will love the ones you love.
(guy):So gone are all my questions about why (girl echoes):about why

Duet:Oh I wonder what God was thinking when he created you,
I wonder if He knew everythin I would need,
Because He made all my dreams come true.
When God made you He must've been thinking about me.

Bridge

He made the sun He made the moon,
To harmonize a perfect tune,
One can't do without the other they just have to be together.
And that is how I know its true,
Your for me and i'm for you and my world
Just cant be right without you in my life

Songs That Are More Than Just Songs

2008-09-05T11:26:00.003+08:00

Hanging By A Moment - Lifehouse
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

(Chorus)
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Collide - Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Sin

2008-06-30T01:56:00.002+08:00

Sin, in short, is the displacement of God in your life. I am quite sure you won't want God around when you are cheating in a test, making false transcations, visiting pornographic sites etc. So therefore,when you sin you are saying "I don't want God" - Adapted from Matthew Lo (Ministry Staff of CEFC)

Randomness Part Lost Count

2008-06-27T18:05:00.002+08:00

Okay. Do you guys miss my song updates? Haha, it will come soon. I am officially obessed with the wrong things. First. KURAN Kaname and KURAN Yuuki. Get the point? And Kaname is a VAMPIRE that is really DARK. Second. Kuchiki Byakuya AND Abarai Renji (it's the AND that makes all the difference)

Boo.

Anyway, song lyrics snippets again.

Vampire Knight Theme Song (Translation of course)

Shaking in red, in red, in red
To the edge of the dream’s dream

Already, every time when I’m stifled to death after I give up again and again
My emotions that have no place to go wake me up
Your unblemished smile knows it’s an existence
So distant that it’s cruel

Even though the unhealable wound only eats away at my heart
Even now I can’t completely hold back my thoughts (that dwell) (within) the darkness

Shaking in red, in red, in red
To the edge of the dream’s dream
We met; destiny begins to turn
A secret that no one, no one knows about
I fall, I fall, I fall
I certainly can’t return anymore, even if I let my sins pass

神秘嘉宾
This one is really deep

我踩著夢的階梯
走進了　一座迷霧森林
誰的心事　被天使竊聽　泛起漣漪

時間它幫我設計
下一秒　誰是神秘嘉賓
小心翼翼　揭開了面具　掌聲鼓勵

誰闖進我的場地
誰讓我措手不及
我早就預備的劇情　妳卻給我一筆
狡猾地　致命地　正中我紅心

我跟誰變得親密
誰逐漸離我遠去
華麗演出共襄盛舉　唯有妳的背影
友情客串卻留下刻骨銘心　的回憶

妳按了我的門鈴
我終於　從呵欠中甦醒
緊張兮兮　對妳說一句　歡迎光臨

全場觀眾都離席
剩下我　還在原地尋覓
耳邊聽著　謝幕的歌曲　走不出去

誰闖進我的場地
誰讓我措手不及
我早就預備的劇情　妳卻給我一筆
狡猾地　致命地　正中我紅心

我跟誰變得親密
誰逐漸離我遠去
華麗演出共襄盛舉　唯有妳的背影
友情客串卻留下刻骨銘心　的回憶

我搬到誰的隔壁
誰成了我的鄰居
鳴謝生命有妳參與　笑納我的邀請
曲終人散卻寫下不會結束　的結局

I don't know whether I have posted this posted. But I heard it over radio last night and well the lyrics start speaking all over again. I will just post the chorus for this one.

像孩子依赖著肩膀

像眼泪依赖著脸庞

你就像天使一样

给我依赖给我力量

像诗人依赖著月亮

像海豚依赖海洋

你是天使你是天使

你是我最初和最後的天堂

-天使-五月天

Summer Cleaning

2008-06-23T03:27:00.003+08:00

Packing still continues.

But anyway. I just feel like typing some other things. Em. About life? Packing stuff can be rather nostagic indeed. I found things like my old primary school notes (which i have already disposed of) and my primary school certs (which I kept). I also found letters from my angels, gifts. Sorted out some receipts and got reminded of my shopping sprees of lunches I had with my friends. It was sweet.

I have thrown out an amazing amount of stuff as well. Recalling when I was younger, I used to keep everything for the sake of keeping. Now that I think of it. keeping stuff like that is just a reflection of the state of mind I was. A state of mind that refused to move, that held on rubbish and refuse to dump them. It's like life ain't it? Sometimes we just can't move on. We keep those trashy memories of how others treated us, of our failures and when new things come, there ain't enough space for new things to come in. Now that you think of it from a third person perspective, it's dumb! Obviously you throw out the old and bad and put the new right? But why don't people do it?

I don't know whether my conjecture is right this time, but perhaps it's got to do with forgetting it. You got something, you finally thrashed it to one of ur drawers of memories and you never look at it again. Sooner or later you will forget and you move on with life. But the problem is, you can keep it in the drawers, it might not do you harm, but you realized there is no space for the new ones to come in either. So everything gets out. Either that, or if you like me, a rather compartmentalised person, some sections would be overflowing with things while others, filled with stuff that ought to be all thrown.

I feel so much better now. With all the space I have already cleared. For example, my stationery drawer has 2 drawers now, so my stationery wouldn't be squashed. Important bills (eg Bank Bills) have a file now instead of being thrashed everywhere. My cosmetics and all have a new section to expand into. I threw out all the uni apps stuff, all the JC stuff and all the books I never would need again. Space made, person relaxed, processof getting ready for a new life.

I have never been this ruthless in throwing things out. But I know I have to, be thorough with the packing, be ruthless with the throwing because life moves on. And I have to. I keep certain stuff that are important and that is all. I keep happy things and not sad ones.

And I realized what the amount of space can do to me. It feels so refreshing. It's like I can rest properly now. But of course there is stillwork to do. Let me do a check now:

1. I need to sort out that cabinet in the living room. I think I have tons of wires to throw out. Hopefully I can clear more drawers again. Space!

2. I need to repack my stationery drawers as since I have TWO now, that means I get to space out things

3. I need to move all my gulity pleasures into my gulity pleasures drawer. On a side note, it's so me. I have my anime fanning times, but they remain in that one drawer, not spatter everywhere. So whenever I need relief, I will open the drawer and find everything inside. =) I should lock that drawer when I go out, so that people will not know my secret pleasures (em, jessie, half the world ALREADY knows. Please look at your own blog layout)

4. I need to pack my bookshelf. Although the books are all there, but bleahs, they are in all weird order. Fiction and non fiction mixed, comic as well. Then notebooks mixed with story books. -_- That spreads to the last shelf with the files. Filled files and non filled files mixed -__- How am I supposed to find stuff man!

5. I need to sort out my pens drawers. They are overflowing. See whether I can throw things out and I would need to do a bit of stock taking before uni starts and I got a feeling I got pens/refills to buy. Hopefully I get it done before June ends, then I can just use the 20% Popular Voucher.

6. I need to sort out my assocries drawer as well. Em, I have 4 minis for tha BUT 3 are taken by hair ass and my last drawer is like over packed with earings, braclets, etc. I need to find a way to fix that or move those stuff to another drawer. That would need a bit of trial and error. I might be able to free up my last desk drawer to put all this. *ponders*

7. I will need to pack those seemingly neat boxes in the cabinet beside my bed. Inside the boxes are just MESS. I will need throwout things I don't want, and again hopefully free up spaces for more stuff to enter.

8. I need to sort that last bit of Christian box stuff. I will probably need to get a cabinet/drawers to properly segegrate the stuff. Seriously, besides the Christian books that are on my shelf, every other thing is in the BOX. Can you imagine how messy it is -_- And I will need read some of the stuff so that one shd take like a SUPER long time.

9. Clear up so that everything is in perfect order.

10. I nearly forgot abt this. Throw (Recycle) my old mags. A whole box is just a waste. Throw away the old computer table. I am this close to throwing my old jigsaws and board games away. But I will not.

11. I can't believe I forgot this. I need to pack my "memory box" and all the letters. I was thinking of putting them up in a photo book sort of thing. My corresponds with my cousin have to go to a nice clear folder for now coz it's on going and thus not gonna move up to the boxes yet.

SEE! It's a lot of work you know. Never mind, I have the whole of July to do it, so it wouldn't matter. And OH OH. I need to buy stuff, here's my shopping list (even before money comes. Someone shd shoot me)

a. I need a cd cabinet.
b. I need a new cabinet for my room (I fred up space for it) and possibly the Christian stuff can move in and if I have more space, some of the stuff from the outside cabinets can move in. Otherwise, leave the space for future notes and books.
c. I need new stationery (list to be generated after stock taking)
d. My monthly supply of novels! Just a book or two will do la. And I need to read my non fiction as well.
e. Comics - Honey and Clover (But honestly, this can wait)
f. Anything my cousin demands to be mailed to her in NZ. (I will generate the list SOON.)
g. Photoframe
h. A new notice board. (Then I can print this and pin it up. HEH.) I am thinking of something simple and possibly the wood one since my room is so woody already. Honestly, I would prefer something more urban for my room than wood. But it will suffice la (Minus a irriating lack of a full length mirror)

Okay I am yawning. I think I am tired already that's why. Which is good, I do believe that Kel wants to meet me tomorrow morning or sth. Lack of sleep makes me a disagreeable and grumpy girl.

So till then, ciao!

Packing

2008-06-18T15:59:00.002+08:00

Packing strategy.

I aim to finish a little by little and that by the start of uni, I would be able to have a puurrr fect room (welll plus all the other cabinets that I invaded). Then I will have a perfectly neat room for years to come (or so I hope).

Anyway, let's see what have I done.

I have cleared the desk beside the Tvs in the living such that only the box of Christian stuff plus a keyboard is left.

I have cleared em, the memory box and it's now on top of the book shelf on my bed.

I cleared my pooh make shift drawer and placed everything in wherever it shd be.

Things that I need to do (quite a list):
Pack the loose paperworks and file them accordingly.
Collate the leftover memory stuff and put them into memory box
Collate all pictures/letters to my photobook
Pack every single cabinet slot and every single drawer (which is a lot)

Poof.

REVAMP HERE I COME!

The Story Of The Lap

2008-06-13T23:21:00.002+08:00

YAY I got a new laptop. More accurately, I got MY laptop finally. Well, everything was going pretty well (minus a slight hiccup due to my refusal to follow instructions with regards to the router) UNTIL..

MSN.

Darned MSN.

It refused to sign in although the internet connection is all in and everything's working PURRfectly fine. When I went to settings, it still dared to tell me that NET MESSENGER is connected. Gosh! Faints.

So I am here blogging simply due to the annoyance caused by my darling new lappie.

It's a Fujitsu btw, with a Inter Duo 2 2.5 processor and a supposed 4 gig RAM. For some strange reason or another, the RAM config according to the com is 3.25 gig. Am I being cheated? *wonders*

Anyways, MSN IS STILL NOT SIGNED IN!

Yuki & Kaname Part 2.5 (VK Frenzy)

2008-06-12T02:49:00.004+08:00

LALA.

I am a newly converted Kaname lover. *dies* Anyway, just one last one to top off tonight's spree. My fave is still the last bit when Yuuki got her memory back. That was just sticks in my head all say long. I think I will post that ONE pic plus one bonus one before I don't know, read a bit then sleep.

Anyway, yes the new layout's Kaname & yuki as well. Someone please murder me. I am turning into a teeny booper.

Yuki & Kaname Part 2 (VK Frenzy)

2008-06-12T02:47:00.000+08:00

Yuki & Kaname Part 1 (VK Frenzy)

2008-06-12T02:38:00.002+08:00

Quotes

2008-06-03T13:01:00.002+08:00

Quotes from The Age of Innocence

"Fashionable! Do you all think so much of that? Why not make one's own fashions?" - Countess Olenska

"Everything may be labelled - but everybody is not" - Newland Archer

Blogthings

2008-05-22T15:41:00.002+08:00

Instead of doing some more.. intellectual activities on this hot afternoon.. I decided to numb my brain with THIS:

Your Mind is Blue

Of all the mind types, yours is the most mellow.
You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles.
Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are.
You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

What Color Is Your Mind?

You Are Snow

Magical yet potentially destructive
You are well known as fun to play with
People anticipate your arrival but then are quickly sick of you
You are best known for: your serenity
Your dominant state: reflecting

What Type of Weather Are You?

Your Scent is Pumpkin Pie

Warm, comforting, and a bit old fashioned
You've got what men want - believe it or not!

What's Your Girl Smell?

Pics

2008-05-17T23:16:00.004+08:00

Okay. This post is a day overdue but anyhows.. Disclaimers first. I am really tired now, so all grammar/spelling mistakes are to be pardoned. Thsi one should be a pretty short piece as well.

--

Today went jogging with SQ to Yishun. It was a pretty fun journey but we could see that both of us are pretty dead by the end of it. Had Beadcurd at the hawker centre at the end of the journey =) Haven't ate that for so long.

All I can say is that sometimes we complain about so many things but only when we come to this
So, I ended up at the causeway with Seng Quan yesterday. Here are some pics I took:

歌词

2008-05-17T11:59:00.002+08:00

最近迷上了这首歌...
五月天万岁!

小太阳 - 小太阳
多么难忘是你纯真的模样
突然的吻弥漫着茶香
多么向往梦想总是在他方
你说等我不管多漫长
你就是太阳蒸发了彷徨
所以挖开土壤种下希望
离开了故乡
看着你的眼眶忍着泪闪着光
我会很快回来继续我们未完的天堂
看着你的脸庞微笑着要我去闯
你的盼望是我握在手中小小的太阳
念念不忘此刻应该是农忙
如画风光有你在歌唱
你就是太阳照亮了方向
你让地球旋转月亮发光
让我有翅膀
看着你的眼眶忍着泪闪着光
我会很快回来继续我们未完的天堂
看着你的脸庞微笑着要我去闯
你的盼望是我握在手中小小的太阳

看着你的眼眶忍着泪闪着光
我会很快回来继续我们未完的天堂
看着你的脸庞微笑着要我去闯
你的盼望是我握在手中小小的太阳
看着你的眼眶忍着泪闪着光
我会很快回来继续我们未完的天堂
看着你的脸庞微笑着要我去闯
你的盼望是我握在手中小小的太阳
oh...oh...

Writings

2008-05-16T21:44:00.002+08:00

I thought I might as well post some of my writings here for everyone to read. They were written quite recently and, well, I doubt it's one of my best but I still hope you guys would like it.
--

How is Jesus Lord in your life?

I think first and foremost, He is someone who loves me. I was (and still am) a thickheaded person who somehow doesn’t learn until something bad happens and I have turned my back to Him countless times, questioned Him countless times. But everytime when I am in need and appealed for his assistance, He would still come to my rescue. And the worse part was that, the next time I knew, I was sinning all over again. But yet He did not turn His back on me ever. And all I could do is to just worship and worship and give thanks.

Another thing about love that He thought me was how to love others and myself. I used to be pretty spiteful of people who were mean to me as I felt they just didn’t like me because I wasn’t like them. But throughout my Christian walk, He has showed me that they are truly empty people inside who has no aim nor purpose and they only pick on people in a desperate attempt to fulfill something lacking inside of them. And my heart began to go out to them and I began to try to make friends and be nice to them instead or being all upset. Perhaps because of my upbringing and all, I have always had a low self esteem. But when Jesus came into my life, He told me I was special, I was important and I was perfect. And He begun to show me what I was good at, what He made me to do. Sure enough there were some things I couldn’t do, but God proved that He gave me enough to survive and do His purpose. And slowly I began to embrace what I could do and I began to just love myself (not in the narcissistic way of course!) for who He had created me.

He is also the hope and the light at the tunnel for me. During my tough patches when everything felt utterly useless and nothing seemed to be working out, He was my source of comfort and solace. I had a number of people asking me, How do you know God is true and they start citing how God hasn’t been good to them and etc. I do not know how to comfort them but to only say God never fails. And indeed, God had never failed me. Not a single time. And because of that I know whatever happens, I will be alright. Because God will make sure I’m alright. Every night when I look up at the stars, I am always reminded of something God said to me once. The star shines the brightest in the darkness and He will shine the brightest in my darkness as well. And so when I stare at the stars, I know, I know He is watching over me.

He also gave my life a meaning. I had always been a curious child wondering about why on earth I was here for. Even until now, when I look around at the people labouring aimlessly for money or chasing vainly after some form of relationship, I would still question, What for? God himself was the only answer that made emotional and intellectual sense to me. I mean what for go after let’s say money? For once you get a certain amount of money, you would want more and the cycle goes on. And my theory went, since that was so, then I might as well die right now since after I die, nothing matters. But now that I know God, suddenly everything I do has meaning because I know He sees it, I know I would be rewarded in heaven.

Reflections.

I suffered from a case of misconception. I thought prayer walk meant something like walking around praying as what the name PRAYER WALK denotes. But apparently PRAYER WALK here meant walking around the estate, knocking on their doors, inviting them to our church.

But any case, it doesn’t matter since we are still doing God’s work. As a team, we had our fair share of unopened doors, hostile gestures but overall it was an eye opener.

To start off, It was absolutely appalling to know how unreached these people were. Coming from a mission school (ACJC) background where three to four in ten were Christian and all have heard about Jesus, it was easy to spread the Word around. But back in Woodlands, which is ironically, my homeground per se, out of let's say the 15 houses that opened up to us, only TWO were Christians with one of them a Catholic. The percentage is possibly lower since half the world wasn't home. And I start to wonder who actually bother to spread the gospel to these people?

While Edmund said most people would not reject a prayer, the contrary was true for us. Nobody wanted us to pray for them. And that made me wonder. I mean back in AC, we prayed for Christians and non Christians (and even Muslims) just like that and it made me wonder what made the neighborhood so different. Coming from a Chinese background myself I could guess why, the word PRAY had relation with things like joss sticks, kneeling down and extremely religious. I would not be surprised if they think praying for them means they would have to change their religions or something. Well, I was reminded of my own life before conversion and I started to realize, while it is important to spread the Good News, it is also as important to clarify some of their thoughts about Christianity. I mean, if people think that stepping into a church equate to becoming a Christian, then they wouldn’t even dare to step into a church and they might never even get to hear about Christ ever.

Another incident that affected me, though not exactly in the most holy sense, was the door that slammed upon us. Well, perhaps I was sensitive, but I mean, you either don't open the door but don't open it and say "I'm not interested" and slam it back as though you opened the door simply to scream at us to get off your back. And the most irriating thing of all was that, ti wasn't some cranky old woman but a teenager with make up on. It took me totally by surprise because technically we are supposed to be educated people right? On a side note, a few days later I found the same girl in the MRT station and I had a feeling that she recognized me.

One of the things I learnt from the trip was how to relate with unreached people. Well, like my dear CG said, SMILE. I think a smile brings us a long way. And second was to place yourself in a inferior position. In other words, instead of starting with, I’m going to share a gospel with you which places us as the superior ones who were bringing a message, starting with, We are sorry for the noise and the inconviences put us at a inferior position and they would be more open to listen about our sharings thereafter I think innately, the people know that they have the right to scream and shout at us and slam the door on us but they wouldn’t do it because by being nice to someone who was wrong in the first place, they would be gracious. And I guess people feel good about it. On a sidenote, I guess the difference between Christians is that, we do good because God was first good to us but for them to do good is a sad pursuit of self satisfaction.

The so-called sensitive groups caught my attention as well. On the optimistic side, they were really nice to us. They smiled and they said hi (I think many Christians are meaner than them) and I felt really comforted by their responses who pretty much soothed many of my personal fears. But on the pessimistic side, you realized they are pretty resistant to the gospel. As long as you said something on the lines of inviting them to church, they go (in a very nice way), I’m a Muslim. And the conversation kind of get stuck there. The question now is, what methods are there to spread the gospel to these people when they aren’t even willing to listen to you?

I have an interesting journey out just now. Will post it later =)

Randomness

2008-05-15T08:35:00.004+08:00

112 isn't a very nice number.

In any case, if you were wondering what am I doing, I am doing nothing. Currently in CCHY waiting for my period to begin and I refuse to read. Too tired to read so I thought Imight as well voice my opinions about somethings. I better write some proper English before I lose my ablity to write anythign in grammatically correct English after marking ATROCRIOUS English that made me question whether my English was the one which had problems to begin with.

But anyhows, i was done with marking.

So heck!

--
I think Secondary School are easier to teach than Primary School. As I told to Esther, tthere isn't that much responsblity tagged to Sec Sch kids than to Primary School kids. I mean if those 14 year old, 16 year old kids don't want to study, what can I do? Whereas for Primary School students, even if they don't study, you have to FORCEthem to. Honestly, disclipine isn't my thing. I like to teach, I like the process of teaching and I like seeing students understanding concepts but screaming and shouting at them is not. Like what one of my collegues said, peopel like me should teach the better schools of I will die. I think I agree with him. I enjoy intellectual discourse than moral lessons.

But in any case, I guess I am staying in there till end of the school term (next week) without much real teaching to do (horray). It was be good for my pocket and to understand the work of real full time teachers. =)

--

I got fired from a tutition job.

But I don't care. Technically I resigned as well. But since they fire me first, so yea. I mean on the surface it looks horrendous I would prefer to believe that God has answered my prayer. I mean this family i teach them twice a week for 3 hrs in one go and I ONLY get 250. My gawd. I earn 18/hr for my theother family. My 2 Sec sch kids give me 25 an hr. See the difference? And in any case, if the kids really need help or something then perhaps I would still do it. But damn it. They don't even care abotu their studies. They refuse to do homework. They have no assessment books and I don't even think they want me to buy for them (they aren't that rich either). I mean seriously I am underpaid and given such kids. *rolls eyes*

Moreover, the mother sucks. She has this list of demands and all and EXPECTS me to fulfil them. Well, the chief problem is with the kid. With HER kid. I mean she actually said there is no need for tuition in the June Hols (before this whole getting fired incident that is) and I was appalled! COME ON. June = Catch up. You can study LESSER but you can't STOP studying. With parents like that, do you think the kid will do well? HELL NO. You reap what you sow.

Now she complains that I dozed off during class. A)I was real tired. B) I was BORED by you darned kid who did nothing. Imagine staring at a kid do work in front of you under the fan. C) I replaced my dozed off times. So if I replace it that means it's fair, RIGHT? BITCH.

Anyway, the key pt here is they don't pay me enough and they suck up so much of my time. 10 per hr, GOSH. Relief teaching pays me more. Yes I suffered like hell the past two days, but look, here I am slacking. I get my money back. 65 for 5.5hrs.

--

Okay back from all these nonsense. Decided to stay on for a while and then go for my 7 o clock tuition immediately from school. Well, afterall if I go home i stay for like 2 hrs then must wear new clothes --> Mum's gonna scream that she has to do extra laundry for me. Well, the best part is that there is free aircon and free com to use. *smiley*

Anyhows, tomorrow I am not needed for relief since the kids are going for some sports carnival thingy. So I am free. Shopping anyone? HEHE. But I ain't that rich, need for the pay to come flowing in.

--

Oh and now I am at the main point of the reason why I had this post. This dumb Elle girl on Winglin who thinks she is damned good because she is a law student. In my words,I think she's a sore loser because we gave her a super lousy review. And then again, it wasn't THAT lousy by MT standards.I have decided to stop commenting on her because she is just NOT worth my time. it's pretty obvious all she wants is attention, so why should I give her what she craves when I don't like her. I am bitchy, no? But live with it! Gosh. Everyone should just move on, the arguement is getting stupid . Those people who started the arguement have already shut up, it seemed that some passer bys are simply taking this chance to just get into the fun. I found taht pretty distasteful. I like junnie's approach. Eithet she apologises or we blacklist her, end of story. What for waste so much time? Time and energy.

And this shoutout goes to Shattered if she is reading my blog. Like what Kel said, because we selected you, we will back you up. This is the Mt family spirit. If you are part of our family, your business is our business. We don't like people bullying ourreviewer gets their way! Don't be upset kay. If Kel and I are around, we will make sure you are safe xD

Oh and to those idiots who think we are ganging up against Elle : We are doing this of our own accord, as a friend. Don't ever say that MT people are bullies. I tell you what's the difference between bullies and defense. Bullies start the fight. Defenders DEFEND as the name suggest.

I hope that Elle girl and her supporters just stop all the nonsense!
--

Honey And Clover

2008-04-25T03:32:00.006+08:00

111! What a nice number.

Anyway, Jessie watched Honey and Clover the Japanese version. I am praying so darned hard that the Taiwan version don't spoil the essence of it coz it rocks. Started off pretty TYPICAL, A loves B, B loves C etc.. with the backdrop of an Art University. But if you managed to survive the first few episodes, the rest rock. When you end at epi 11 (at least for me), you realized it's a story about friendship, about learning to give up and move on more than a LOVE story. And I guessed that's why I loved it. I am really hoping (I think I said that already just now) that the Taiwan version doesn't change it into a boring old love story. Anyway, I will be quote collecting from the drama =) Why, the manga seems to be interesting to read now =)

Oh, and I felt the drama was well plotted. I don't know whether I'm the only one that feels that way but you just know it =)

--
I am stealing them from a site. I think I will just buy the manga or something and then chew on it. LOL.

No one can ever replace someone else – Aida Kazu
When Takemoto's stepfather talks about Takemoto's real father. For erasing of memories is never possible.

I was told no by Mayama, but I can’t just suddenly dislike him. With complex feelings like this, just because you don’t end up going out doesn’t mean it just automatically goes away – Yamada

I just wanted to say, it was an apt.. description. Coz I've been through that before. You will still love even if you are rejected.

You choose to give up or make an effort. There are only these two choices for humans to choose from. You have to honestly tell them your feelings. The rest is up to them. To make an effort, or to give up would then be their choice. It was the same for you. It’s the same for everyone. – Shu-chan to Yamada

I told a lie to Yamada. There are actually three choices. But if you believe that there are only two, you can open pathways so I won’t say the third answer – Shu-chan

But I realized why I was lost. Its not because I don’t have a map. Its because I don’t have a destination. – Takemoto

If I really liked him I should hope for his happiness. But like you said in the car, I actually hoped they would break up. – Yamada

To cry because there is something you want to do and to cry because you can’t find it. Which is more painful? The only thing I can say is even with all the words I have now, I can’t stop her tears – takemoto

Anyway, my absolute fave is this one, the one in the ending which summarises the whole plot:

Spring,in the previous two years

We met in amazing colour

I felt happiness just to stay beside her

But I felt frustrated at myself for not appreciating chances

I thought I couldn't make it becoz I didn't chase after her

I hated that I could only watch beside her

Hagumi's gentle note gave me new hope

Hagumi's toughness gave me encouragement

I always thought

Perhaps love that passed through many difficulties would be meaningful

But I understand now

The meaningful thing is that I met Hagumi

That was why I became who I am now

As time goes by

Everything would be forgotten

But I will remember

The time we shared

And it can't be replaced

I can face this feeling with pride now

It was good to fall in love with you

Happy Jessie.

Apr 6

2008-04-06T20:53:00.000+08:00

Apr 6

I realized something about old testaments. They like to repeat themselves a lot. I think it's fro emphasis sake and that, somethings, like God's promises are deserving to be uttered over and ovrer again to forgetful people like us.

Well so Mr Moses today recounted some of the promises and the blessings and judgment for those who follow and do not follow th law. What caught me today was part of the bold verse today.

"Therefore CHOOSE life" (emphasis mine)

That reminded me of something that I learnt from Him before. It's a choice to believe in Him because God had given us the gift of free will. There is not such thing as we are born into the religion. We need to choose Him. He doesn't come to us like THAT. We need to ask Him to come and we need to choose for Him to come. And yes, choose life. Funny how people deny Him and claim to be in search of a better form of life when He is life thriugh and through, the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega, the first and the last.

--

Luke. There is 2 parts about Luke today. Firstly is what I coined as "wrong Christian" behaviour. Jesus was seen condemning the Pharisees and the lawyers and there are a few things I would list here, hopefully as well as an apt reminder of what I shouldn't become.

1. Tithing yet blind to justice.
Pretty self explanatory. W can give money to church and when people around us are accused we sit there and "shake leg". When the world is in need of someone to shine for them, we can deny Him. Question. What is more important? Tithing or Justice? My answer? Neither.

Love is more important.

2. Pride
Well that one is a hard trap NOT to fall in. I mean once we are in a certain Christianity stature, we get respected and we somehow has authority. People actually listen to our opinions and work on our opinions. And this feeling of superiority can seriously get into our head. And we end up working not because of love but because of that feeling of superioity that it gives us.

3. Unmarked graves
I am too lazy to check the study bible for this but it seems to be some form of a reference to the "Christian identity". Who are we? We are God's people and I wouldn't want to be walked past like an unmarked grave, I want to be known. Not by my name but by His name. If people walk past me (ie interact with me) they don't feel God radiating from me, something is wrong.

4. Loading people with burdens without putting a finger to them.
Ah. That one is new but good. We can go around "mobilization" people to run for Christ etc etc. And then we don't share the burden.That sounded pretty much like a boss sitting on the desk and bossing people around. Nay Nay behaviour.'

M That's for now. And 2 more apt reminders, I don't think any explanations of sorts is needed but apt apt reminders.

"Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed or hidden that would not be known"

"Fear Him, who after He has killed has authority to cast into hell"
Well as a side note, this is a good reminder to us on why we shouldn't be scared of other people. Well they can kill us abuse us, but they can't send us to hell. What they can merely do is inflict physical pain on us or perhaps emotion but they can't separate us from the love of God, neither can they throw us into eternal anguish.

"Yes I tell you, fear him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not, you are of more value than many sparrows"

--

Extra,Bought the Hillsong United newest Cd (rocks)

Bought acoustic lvoe song s CD (gonna listen. Had to listen to Christian songs while doing bible reading .HEH)

Needs to go back to my Cranes. I am working on the characterizations.

Muackz.
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Apr 5

2008-04-05T13:49:00.002+08:00

Apr 5 (I will deal with Apr3-4 maybe later or another day)

Deuteronomy changed its perspective from a list of laws to what happened if you followed and if you do not follow the law that was given. Well, in short, if you follow the law, you are blessed while if you don't, you would be cursed. Two things striking though, I realize that there is a series of repetitions in the curses and blessings. Take for example, it said that The "They (the enemies) will come against you one way and flee before you in seven days" as a blessing from obeying the Lord. In a later verse when the Lord talks about the curses, this was what was written " You shall go out in one way against them and flee seven ways before them". See the nice contrast? And this is on the the only example, the whole passage from Deuteronomy is littered with this literacy form. With that, plus the long list of curses which would befall if the people don't obey the law, gave me shudders. I must admit this God of the old covenant is a just God but a scary one nonetheless. Pages of JUDGMENT. My gosh. Freaks me out. But that brights me to a new question, how is that applicable to my life? I do know that after Jesus, we do have a new covenant in Christ, so does that mean I can ignore the commandments? (Sounds weird to me) But if I were follow these commandments word for word, wouldn't that be the onset of legalism? And if I shouldn't follow the commandments, then why is it in even in the bible? What are the lessons am I supposed to draw from them?

Aye aye. Questions questions. I think I like the New Testament more =)

Luke had been a constant source of insight for me (yay). Today I started off with Demonology 101. Two things I learnt after Satan today, A) If Jesus was from the devils, He wouldn't be casting out demons. That would show a sign of disunity which did not make sense. Well, I guess for me (and us), I think we should view this in a broader perspective, taking the overall meaning and not just that literal meaning. I mean after reading a couple of books on demons and all, I think Satan is pretty sly and I won't be surprised if he did get some of his demons to cast off fellow demons just for the sake of showcase and misleading people. But I think what Jesus really means is that, Satan and his legion of fallen angels would be united in the aim to destroy the work of the Lord. They do not sway from the aim. That, I believe leads to the 2nd pt, a more hidden pt that Jesus was intending to make and that's the unity of the Kingdom of Christ. So many people were accusing Jesus of being a devil or asking for signs from heaven,. Di do believe that Jesus was also using the devil's kingdom as an example to hold it in sharp contrast with the scattered Kingdom of Christ. So in other words, it's Jesus's call for unity to the people against the united kingdom if the devil. He used a parable to illustrate the point. You can be a strong man who was able to guard the storehouse but when a stronger man overcomes you, you are dead. I think Jesus was trying to illustrate the power of unity here.

Well I shall skip a little of the middle and go on, since we are talking about me and demonology 101. Well Jesus said that when an unclean spirit has gone out of a person it would try to seek shelter but when he can't, he would bring 7 other spirits more evil than itself and they enter and dwell there making the later stat of the person worse that the first. I am intrigued by how Jesus did not gave us a answer to this "problem" (okay maybe he did in other chapters. I am not sure) but instead left is hanging as that. That got me thinking. So what was Jesus trying to say here? My take is that, we cast out the devils in our lives (well, I still don't have a very clear def of who who's in demon world and what are demon caused and what are not, but anyway). For example, lust. We can cast them out, maybe ask professionals, or maybe pray it out or something. But if we stop there and don't do anything about it, they are going to attack us again and make it worse. Well, indeed, devils are only infiltrate us when we have so called holes/patches in our lives. So even if we cast away the devil, the whole is still there and it's an open invitation for other or more devils to fill it. And the solution of sealing this hole so that the devil will never come in? God. Because God is sufficient and God is complete. This basically means that devil can infiltrate us when we are not completely surrendered, walking well with God. Becoz only when our walk with God is lacking will there then be holes that the devil can move in. I don't think anyone can be so perfect as to have such a complete walk with God that there are no holes fro the devil to sip through but I feel that what is essential is that, once we found a problem, got the devil chased out, we should go back to God and renew a proper walk with Him so that He can patch our holes. If not, the consequences is deadly.

Moving on (oops, this post is pretty long already),

"Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters."

This one is pretty understandable. God is the centre, God is the focus. IF we do not put our lives with his as the centre, all else fails. If we do not come to together with Him as the aim, our group will always split. This talks about God being the centre of all things and HAVE to be the center before everything else works out.

The verse that was highlighted today is rather interesting.

"As He said these tings, a woman in the crowd raised her voices and said to him, "Blessed the the womb that bore you, and the breasts at which you nursed! But he said, "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!"

I had to take a break (to eat a biscuit. Marks & Spencer Dark Choc digestive rocks) to consult my study bible. It said that the line meant that indeed Mary was blessed (very blessed indeed) but obedient followers of Christ are "more" blessed. It seemed to be opening an invitation for all of us to be blessed. You see ther can only be ONE Mary and Mary was God-anointed. Then what about us? If blessings is counted by how big a thing we can do on Earth, then we would pretty sad. Coz there can only be ONE Mary, one John Wesley, one Martin Luther. But I think Jesus is opening an invitation to us saying, we would be bless after keeping the word of God after hearing it. Now that's some consolation =)

And I noticed as well of the word, HEAR THE WORD. Which kind of banishes all those pre believers who had never hear the gospel. That's apologetics 101 I guess. If they have heard the gospel, God would not judge them on the same basis as believers. And we all know He is a righteous judge so He will def do it well. =) I think God would instead punish the believers that He had called to share the gospel but have not. Because we are the ones depriving our friends about the goodness of Him.

The sign of Jonah. The previous time God sort of judgment thing ws said to the crowds bore reference to Sodom which was the city the God destroyed in Genesis (LOT and his wife! Salt pillars? Moses bargaining with God? Yep. That Sodom) and now we have Jonah. Jonah was the one who brought the warning of the judgment of God to Nineveh (yes and was in a whale's body for 3 days 3 nights but I think that's pretty much beside the point) I think Jesus was using a familiar biblical story to illustrate to them who He is and what He was for. He also wished to highlight what was the state of the people. They were like Nineveh part 2. (Sounds like us) and Jesus, who is greater than Jonah, had came to warn us and more than that, die for us. And the job for us(them) was simply to REPENT (like the Ninvehans). I guess Jesus was appalled as how unrepentant th epeople were. The Ninevan upon hearing the judgment of God put on sackcloths and MOURNED. But when He looked around, the contrary seemed to be true. people asking what right He had, asked Him to prove Himself yada yada. Nothing like Nineveh.

The last bit of Luke (I love the gospels) for today. The lamp on the stand parable. More than familar but def an apt reminder. We are the light of the world and if we are the light of the world, we don't hide at home (put in the cellar) or hide under other aliases (under a basket) but to stand and shine for everyone to see. A timely reminder that we as Christians were to walk in His loght, shine for the world that is so dark. (Wars wars wars. fight fight fight. corruption X 100) What doctrinal things, what theology, I think they are second when compared to A) Loving God and B) Shining for the world.

And that it ends off with something on lines of if one part of your body is dark, your whole body is dark, I feel that this had a slight connoation to having evil in our lives. There is no such thing, this is just a little sin (darkness in the eyes only). We still have 90% light so it's okay. I think Jesus makes it clear that a bit = everything.

I consulted my dearest study bible again and came back with a slightly new insight about Him. Well apparently according to the SB, the reason why Jesus said that whole lamp of the body thing was trying to illustrate to the people who kept asking Him for signs that He already showed everthing (He was the light on the stand) but the problem was with the eyes of the people (hence the darkness in eyes) that could not witness it. Pretty true as well, if we choose to be blind, OF COZ we can't see the light. Then it isn't really Jesus's fault right? That also links up with some of my "counselling experience" as well. You see, people come to me and they say, Oh I don't see God. I think he is in in some faraway land and does not care about me. Perhaps, the problem is not with God not showing Himself but with the people not SEEING Him. Since they can't see His light so what happens was that they felt their whole body is in darkness.

M. Interesting. Psalms now.

Psalms are always something that comforts my soul. It's like a nice reminder of the character of God and who He really is in a few words.

"Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favourable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all times?
Has God forgotten the gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?"

A series of negative questions but my heart warmed when I know that answer to all of them is No. He was everlasting, He is everlasting and He will be everlasting, When He said He never will break His promises, he never will. And if His steadfast love, promises, grace and compassion still prevailed, why are we afraid? Isn't that more than enough?

And then the Psalmist went on a little historical journey, describing Moses and Aaron's exodus.
"When the water saw you, they were afraid,"

If God is with us, who can be against us? Even the uncontrollable waters (a reference to the Red Sea) is afraid of Him, and HE is helping us, it's more like victory 101 xD And if you read on, the imagery is just puurfect. "You arrows flashed on every side" Lightning. Lighting are His arrows to help us fend of our enemies.

And to end of today's piece,

"Yet your footstep was unseen"

Two things. First, sheesh, He can already caused so much things if He is unseen, then what would happen if He descended on Earth. I don't want to imagine. Second. He works in ways we cannot see, But the only reassurance we get is, He works for us. And that is more than enough.

--

BB enrolment today. Not going. Have been busy. Wishes to be an introvert and stay at home (and perhaps write)

Today's entry is LONG. FINGERS HURT. i should learn to stop banging on my keyboard when I type. Got 2 more tuition assignments in the week (MORE MONEY!) and so less time for myself as well. But anyway God comes first.

A short little life lesson I learnt from yesterday. Trust Him. Woke up yesterday, got panicky coz I didn't know where my tuitions were. Then panic somemore coz street directory wasn't listening to me. And decided to skip typing my devotions yesterday (BIG MISTAKE).

And guess what, I think the lagging was God's way of telling me to SEEK HIM first.

And yes, everything turned out right at the end. Imagine if I had done my devotions? It woukd have used uo the same time with me panicking.

I actually have some thoughts about tuitioning and kids and people in general. YThat would have to wait. My fingers are ACHING. So till then =)

There's church tomorrow morning. And then tuition so maybe I can only do my devotions at night, or before i go church. Someone remind me =)

=)

Apr 1/ 2

2008-04-02T12:38:00.003+08:00

Better write before I get on MSN on the net. Distraction has been prevalent.

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Apr 1

Let me so a brief one on Apr 1, ie Yesterday's passage. While the Deutronomy passsage has been really boring and non inspiring, the gospel had been shedding new insights for me everday. The Luke passage touched on The Transfiguration and I found out some very amazing facts from my study bible.

Apparently, Elisha (Elijah's successor)'s name means JOSHUA. Jesus's hebrew name is Joshua as well. So yes, we can see that Moses passed his unfinished work to Joshua, Elijah to Elisha and finally the both came down to ask Jesus to finish the final unfinished work. And that is precisely why when Jesus was on the cross He said, "It is finished" The Transfiguration is like an, official handover ceremony to Jesus and even God Himself graced the occasion. It had to be significant, for the other time that God Himself appeared was during Jesus' baptism.

So, now I know, the transfiguration was not just a WOW event. I mean, come on, it DOES look spectacular. But it had a lot of meaning to it and by understanding this particular event, I begin to realize how wrong people said that Jesus was just a good moral teacher. This incident portrayed clearly that Jesus was here to finish the work that Moses and Elijah have not and that was the redemption of mankind.

THAT was Jesus's purpose. To redeem sinners like you and I. Not any other nonsense like being a good teacher, or be a judge etc etc.

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Apr 2

Today's reading. I will just jump straight to the Luke chapter. Though I am amazed by how detailed God's law in Deutronomy is. It's so detailed. God really pays attention to ALL the details.

Luke today addresses the issue of "How to follow Jesus". "Foxes have holes, birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head". If you ask me, this sounds pretty sad. I mean how can the Son of Man have nowhere to lay his head, but I guess, it's an apt descrrption of the follower of Christ. Who ever said the follower of Christ have to leave in luxury. I think if we want humanly luxury we shouldn't be Christians in the first place for the bible already told us clearly that we were to take up our cross to follow Him. Cross is painful!

And moving on, I like this line "Let the dead bury the dead". The first time I read it I glanced through it, but the next time I did, with a John Piper book in hand, it opened new insights for me. Apparently the 1st dead is the spritually dead and the 2nd is the physically dead. So what Jesus meant was, let those spiritually blind bury the dead relatives, you come and proclaim the Kingdom, I think my parents would be MAD if I ever did that. But I guess it's a dilema that we all have to face. And Jesus puts it clearly, that He comes first. His kingdom comes first for "No one puts his hand onto the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God"

It seemed to me that God is saying, do MY work first. And He will take care of the rest. I mean I still cannot get away the nagging feeling that I should "abandon" my non-Christian friends to proclaim the kingdom of God. I mean He is a compassionate God as well right? Well I guess if He is a compassionate God then perhaps, I should do His will and He willdo the rest? I will need to chew on this.

"The harvest is plentiful, but the labourers are few"

Is that a confirmation for a trip to KK?

Wait. Now that I think of it, maybe that's what God is trying to say. Go for KK, leave mum to me.
Hmm. I will pray about and wait for more revelations.

--

Recently the Psalms have been going on some of the same themes. This one is a very clear distinction. The Psalmist is lamenting about how they are so many enemies around him and God didn't seem to do anything. But in the second half of the Psalms, he recalled the things that God has done, the things that He promised and found reassurances in them.

I guess, the moral is that, God may not rescue us NOW but He will rescue us becuase He had rescued us all along and promised that He would rescue us. Our job was just to sit there and worship Him and stop limiting to what He can do. Who are we? Are we greater than God> If we aren't then I guess we have no right to control Him at all.

Faith, indeed, is believing without seeing. But there is always the promise of God that can hold on to =)

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As a sidenote, I think God is building quite a bit of my head knowledge recently. I have always been an emotional kid, I think God is trying to nail some facts into my head recently so that next time, whatever happens, I would be able to em, use them instead of my feelings.

--

Was out with the KK kids for dinner. They were WUNDERFUL. Thinking of joining them for Chalet next week, but I need to see how my schedule runs. I don't think I can stay overnight either. But I will pray about it and see how the thing goes.

Anyhows, had a new chat with Gareth last night as well. Shared some stuff abt our lives =)

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Mar 31

2008-03-31T12:37:00.000+08:00

March 31 Bible Reading.
--

Again, the book of Deuteronomy did really speak much to me (I really prefer the New Testament) besides towards the end where it spoke of how a King should be.He should not have too many possessions or indulge in sexual desires and he should cultivate the fear of the Lord and mediate on the Word regularly.

Okay that's about it.

--

The Luke passage today spoken about the feeding of the five thousand. Apparently, after consulting my precious study bible did I realize that besides Jesus's death and rescurrection, this is the only incident that is recorded in all four gospels. The gospel authors must have seen the importance of this incident. It was a demostration of faith, of Go'd miraculous power. And for today, I realized that it also reflected us as well. Well, our gifts may be little (5 loaves and two fishes) but Jesus can multiply it in a way we don't know and our small gifts can make a great impact on the society (feeding of 5000). Not only that, like what one Pastor from Trinity once said, Jesus had to break the loaves. If the loaves are representative for us, it also symbolized that in our Christian walk, we have to be broken by God before we can be used to do great things.

And yes, with God's grace, our two loaves can become something that can feed 5000 and leaving 12 basketfuls of leftover.

And then it moved on to Peter's declaration of Christ, "Who do you say I am" "The Christ of God" and then he prophesied the way He would die.

And because I know the gospels pretty well (not VERY well though, sadly) I thought this was a good reminder of my life in Jesus

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life would lose it, but whoever who loses his life for my sake will save it"

It was an apt reminder that, m y life belongs to God and not myself. I cannot serve myself and God at the same time. And if I choose God, I would have to deny pleasures of my heart to sin and other things that I wished I could do to serve Him. But I know my painful sacrifice would be worth it for a)He would hold me. He would come and rescue me and He would not see me in misery for long. He would come. But i must first give up. and b) I live for eternity. And eternity is glorious with God. Eternal happiness > than this life happiness.

And of coz, I never realized so many gems are within this small passage.

"For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the son of Man be ashamed he comes in his glory of the Father and of the holy angels"

This was a verse that guided me along during my infant Christian walk. That if i can't be proud of Him, how could He be proud of me? And really to refocus myself and ask, my pride is more important or His glory is? And I realized by asking this question I am forced to do away with my very naive desires. To know what is it that I was compromising. sometimes the devil says never mind, but maybe to him it's a nevermind, but to me it may not.

Psalms has always been a reassuring book and today's psalm collection is as well.

"For he delivers the needy when he calls,
the poor and him who has no helped.
He has pity on the weak and rhew needy
and saves the lives of the needy
From oppression and violence
he redeems their life
and precious is their blood in
His sight"

What reassurance! Esp when I am currently being torn with choosing IDT and it actually happens on THURSDAY where I have tuition with this kid. I mean I just started the course. How can I keep changing. And she seems that she would be pretty unhappy if I ask for ca change. But I really wanna go for IDT> Sighs. Help God.

Teach me to put my trust in you Lord. That you will truly lead me in theway of everlasting. Help Lord.

Anyway, the proverbs verse :

"Better to be lowly and have a servant
than to play the great man and lack bread"

Reminds me of what Jesus said about the first shall be the last and the last be first. Humility is the key here i believe. Another apt reminder but for me this one seems to point more to my Christian life. That I should not hinge on the stuff I have done and know and only to be poor in God (ie not filled with Him, never do QT properly.)

--

Okay. That's about all for today. Got tuition later and got to send out quite a bit of things.I feel like writing today actually, so perhaps I might be able to write something tonight. I am hoping to get these 2 days as break actually. I mean, yea, I haven't got a proper day of break since I don't know when. But we will see how God leads the way, right? =)

--

God bless!

Mar 30

2008-03-31T00:02:00.001+08:00

March 30 Bible Reading.

Got myself a One year bible today (I swear pple shd just keep me in my hse when I have money. I overspend.) Anyhows, I shall attempt to write something about what I read everyday. We will see how this one last. I swear my discipline SUCKS.
--

The Deuteronomy passage spoke nothing much to me except for the 14:2, "For you are are people holy to the Lord, your God, and the Lord has chosen you to be a people for his treaured possession out of the peoples on the face of the earth". The first thing I thought was that it echoed the verse in 1 Peter (or was it 2) about us being royal priests for Him. I guessed it also echoned something that Pastor Edmund said today about Man. God created man to be significant, to be purposeful and that is one thing that is consistent in both the old and new testament. It's also a good reminder of who I am in God too.

However, I don't really see much point in the rest of the passage besides rules and more rules governing the people. I don't even really reconciliate the fact that a loving God would set so much rules for the people. Anyone care to enlighten this for me?

The Luke passage stood out more to me though. A few things that stood out in the passge and even more stood up when I consulted my study bible.

Luke 8:48 : And he said to her, "Daughter, your faith had made you well, go in peace". The study bible I have stated that this is the only time Jesus called someone by this designation. Yes daughter. And it got me thinking. we are called sons and daughters of God, isn't it? Then wouldn't this be a guide of what He wants us to be? So i referred back to the story. Apparently, this unnamed woman was the one who touched Jesus's coat in a crowd and was healed. When Jesus felt the tufg, He turned and asked who was the one who touched Him and she admitted. What stood out for me was the fact that the woman trusted Jesus. Well, her healing wasn't even spectacular if you ask me, she just touched Jesus, end of story. No proclamations, no rar rar, but a silent trust that maybe if she touched Jesus she would be clean again. And she reached out, within the multitude that was surrounding Jesus, she reached out and touched and was healed. And Jesus called her daughter.

If we, were to be like this woman, to just reach out to Jesus in silent trust, trusting His power to heal us, would we not be called daughters of God as well?

So, the criteria of being His daughter was simply faith.

Maybe because I am slightly more aware today, I realized something interesting about the Luke passage. A starking contrast. The 1st story was a quiet demonstration of Jesus power and Jesus wanted to single her out and make a statement for the people, on the other hand, the following incident which is the bringing of a dead man to life (which to me seems like a more WOW event. Life and death vs Clean and Unclean) was told to be kept hush hush. And unlike the previous incident where no proclamations were made by Jesus, this one, Jesus said something pretty dramatic in my opinion, "Child, arise". very powerful,

So while I can understand, from my precious study bible that, Jesus did not want to announce the latter because of a few reasons like, he did not want to be seen as a miracle worker (which I agree. Jesus wouldn't want people to flock to Him because of his miracles. The whole point of Jesus would be missed. His primary purpose wasn't to be a miracle worker. His purpose is for man's salvation and that made a whole lot of difference) and another reason was that He did not want unwanted publicity and thre last that the bible offer3ed was that He did not want to bring forward His death until He had done all that was needed to do.

All perfectly sound reasons if you ask me, but what I have a little problem with was that , why did He announce the woman's healing from hermormage but not a dead child's rose to death. This time my study bible didn't prove helpful. All it said was something on the lines of Jesus found it approiate. Well, I am not God, so I would never know why, but it seemed to me that this kept reminding of something that was said on the Sermon on the Mount. "The weak shall be strong," COuld it be that Jesus wanted to show us that what we feel as unimportant, unpubliclity worthy are those things that are worth publicising? Or could it be that, Jesus honoured the faith of the woman so much to single her out as a living example for all of us? or was it that Jesus was full of compassion for the woman and that He wanted to know who was the one that He had healed so that He can give her a blessing for her faith?

Well, I guess we can never find out why because we are not God. But the truth, I guess, is that, God honoured the woman and her faith. And if we are as faithful, we would be honoured someway as well.

Towards the end of the Luke chapter talked about how Jesus sent his Twelve out, giving instructions on how they shouldn't take much - ie Depend on the people, stay in other people's houses - ie don't go around looking for better lodging and stay within the community to serve the others. This second point actually reminds me of something that I learnt in JC that is best captured in the verse that is loosely rephrased as We are in the world but no of the world. I mean, if we don't make friends with non Christians, backslidded believers, how are we going to spread Christ to them? If we don't mix with them, like Jesus eating with the tax collectors, how are they going to find out about God's everlasting love? And speaking of which, have I been a good Christian role model for the people around me? Why is it that I have such a nagging feeling that I am not? They don't even know I am Christian. Not only that, have I been showing God's love to the kids? Well, I feel that I have been too easily angered by them, more obsessed with the fact that the class was too noisy and complaining how my throat hurts. Maybe God did know me enough, that's why He gave me a sore throat so that I would not scream. But in any case, sorry Father, so the times where I could have shown your love more and did not, for the times that I had possibly forgot that you once said, "Let all the little children come to me" and that those who received those kids are eqivalent to recieving you.

The last line of my Luke passage intrigued me as well. It said that whenever people did not recieve Him, the disciples were to shakes off the dust from their own feet as a testimony against them. And I consulted my darling study bible again only to realize irt meant SEPARATION. It was like God saying, if you don't want me, I would have nothing to do with you. This felt like a symbolism for revelations to me. If we do not admit Jesus as Lord, He would not admit us as children as well and we would be judged on the the Second coming. What really captured me besides the link to the 2nd coming was the tone of it. The harshness that reminded me that God is a just God. He wasn't just a Grandfather God. He meant business as well.

I think I spent quite a bit on the Luke bit. On to the Psalms.

Pslam 71:19-21
O God who is like you
You who have made me see
many troubles and
calamities
will revive me again
from the depths of the earth
you will bring me up again
you will increase my greatness
and comfort me again.

It is ironic that this spoke me to me that the verse they bolded for the day. I see the emphasis of WILL and AGAIN signifying that He was a God of hope and a loving God. He will pick us up AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. It is not He MIGHT but He will. And He keeps His promise. I like the 1st 2 line sa well, reminding me that pain inevitable (quote Pastor Edmund) and the thing is, it is INEVITABLE but God will lead us out.

I am reminded that I was time and again far away from God and He still brought me back time after time. Just take the recent turnback from God. After MONTHS of ignoring Him, He took me back and continued to love me and bless me and still showing me new things about Himself day by day. My life story is indeed filled with the fingerprints of God. I fall time and again but yet I rise by the grace of God and everytime I fall, and rise again, I realize I grown, I realize I learn mroe about Him, I realise I have more to share to people around me. The feeling of falling is horrible, but God returned me threefold? Thousandfold? When I decided to go back to Him.

Even when things around me seem collapsing, allow me to quote from one of my fave songs by Natalie Grant called Held. " And the promise was that when everything fell we will be held" Indeed, I was always held. I can fall, but I fall into His embrace (I think it was from a Jaci Valeque song) and when everything else around me fell, I would be held into His embrace.

Amazing, So amazing to know that, He was indeed always there. He was, He is and He will catch us when we fall, love us when we are lonely, fill us when we are empty.

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Something that Pastor Edmund said today stuck. Well, Pastor gives splendid sermons.That was something about a janitor's interpretation of the revelations (one of the hardest book of the bible). When asked about what she understood from the book of Revelations, she said simply, "Jesus has won"

How simple.

How amazing.

To be a victor already. Not in the process of fighting but already the winner.

--

I need to be more disciplined,

I need to be more disciplined.

Mar 30

2008-03-31T00:02:00.000+08:00

Sick.

2008-03-26T21:51:00.002+08:00

This post should be short.
--

It's not my fault I am sick.

And it's not like I like being sick. For the record, I do want to get well as well. It's bad enough you IGNORE me. I don't need you sarcastic little remarks. And btw,I am gonna go to school tomorrow, no matter what. I'm just gonna FORCE myself to it somehow. Bring stockpiles of panadol and tissue. I rather faint in school (which I won't. Coz I only "fainted" once in my life before. I have a higher chance of feeling darn horrible and sniffing the whole day) than to stay at home for you to laugh at.

And for the record, I was working till I was sick. Yes, I earned like a 100 bucks on monday? And the continuous working killed me. And I am even lazy to tell you more. I mean for what, seriously, you will just sit and laugh that I am a weakling. Like always.

You just love finding fault in me don't you? You think I am not good enough and all you are looking at is my flaws to fit your def isn't it?

Face it.

I am not perfect.

I have things that I am good at and things that I am NOT good at. If you wanna stare at the latter, you have a lot to support your pt. By right I shouldn't be caring, but apparently I am feeling horrendous about and I am unhappy that you are making me horrendous abt it.

It's amazing that my brain is actually functioning (of sorts). The sneezes interupt my train of thoughts though. I think I am getting sleepy.

--

These are days you wish for a bf and some physical comfort like sleeping on his shoulders and a hug that tell you that everything's alright. A kiss on your forehead to tell you that he will be there and someone to cook porridge and perhaps feed you.

But oh well. That's my little dream. That def will not come true for the near future.

I should be hitting the beds soon. How did I survive till 10pm I have no idea.

I really hope I don't get panadol poisoning coz I will be eating another em.. 2 before I sleep.

--

I really don't like being sick.

At least not at the wrong time.

Sorry for sounding so emo, but I really wished someone cared.

Life.

2008-03-19T15:07:00.002+08:00

I am freaking pissed.

Because my mum is freaking nagging at me on MY BIRTHDAY. Doesn't she see that I am freaking upset enough coz NOBODY I know is celebrating with me (Minus Dad. But I would prefer friends). Does it matter whether she is having her freaking own TROUBLES? Hello, I have mine too, how about YOU listening to me, instead? No, you freaking never listen. You think you are so damned good that you don't have to listen to my opinion.

Freaking hell shut up.

It's my birthday and I don't freaking care about whether your life sucks or not coz you are making my freaking life miserable but rubbing in things. I repeat, I freaking DON'T care whatever happens to you and Dad becoz I have longed gotten used to not having parents at all. Yes. I am an emotional orphan all along. Who wouldn't when your mum is freaking psychologically mad, refuses to seek help (then again all mad people think they are normal) and forever in her own freaking world? She's deprived. Doesn't mean I CAN provide her with the emotional support that she needs. Damn. I am NOT a punching bag or an emotional rock.

I am sick of caring. Tell you the freaking truth. You are the one who's freaking EMPTY inside. And because it is freaking empty, you fill it up with junk. You have been insulted and stepped upon (who doesn't go through stuff like that), but that doesn't mean you can push me down like that. Since you can't exert a pride to the people around you doesn't mean you can exert it on ME.

Stop that bullshit about suffering. WHO THE HELL DOESN'T SUFFER? I can acknowledge that you suffered but your suffering doesn't freaking mean you are a whole hierarchy above me. Suffering doesn't elvate your status. GET IT? No, you don't.

And I already said a hundred and one times. Don't make me cry on my birthday. I have them sucky for YEARS.
Sec 4 - I had to cry coz Mum refused to let me out to see Shaos. And in any case, I ended up only seeing Shao for an hr or two coz she had stuff on (I don't blame her though)
J1- What birthday? Shao and I are off by then. Nobody even REMEMBERED. How does that feel? Forgotten.
J2- I was MUGGING math on my bdae. MATH. Horrid math.

And this year? It's already upsetting enough. Don't add oil. Or I will explode.

Stop your freaking sympathy speeches. I don't need your sympathy. Freaking hell. I am okay if you are really sympathetic. But you are not. You just wanna feel the pride of being better than the others. You push people down just to feel better about yourself. Ya. You feel better. You gloat in your victories.

What about me?

Do I deserve being put down like that?

In any case. You have no freaking right to out me down like that coz you are NOT God. Contrary to what you freaking feel, You have no right over me AT ALL.

And stop that nonsense about caring about me, because you don't. In the few times you did, it's more of an exhibition of your freaking pride. Ie: You care because you want the busk in the glory of you being able to care.

Sheesh. That's why Dad went away. It's your fault. Coz I know Daddy loves me. Although it's true that he can get irresponsible at times, I know he loves me. Stop your freaking propaganda about what Dad doesn't care. He does. Stop lying. You want to demonise him so that you are justify his departure that it is none of your fault. But it is. It's all your fault. How do I know? Because I being through it. You don't know what type of fear you put into people's heart. You don't how fearful we are of you. You don't know how even your voice send trembles down my spine everytime I hear.

And then I run. I keep the phone calls short. I keep my communications with you short. In short, I don't want to associate with a demon like you.

And in anycase, if you are really at peace with his freaking departure, why are still harping on it? Harping on it everyday. Do you not know that but saying those things out everyday doesn't assist in the healing process at all. More like you prolong it.

And if you really convinced that what you have done is right, I don't see why you need to defend it. And let's just be frank, if you believe that you have done is correct, then you have to bear the consequences. Simple as that. Do you actuallythink everything can be perfect? Do you actually think that by screaming and forcing people to abide to your rules you will get a perfect household?

Bullshit.

Let get the cards right this time. If you are fully convinced that screaming at people are the way to maintain a household, then you will have the face the consequences of me (+Dad) leaving the household (emotionally). Simple as that.

If you really believe that you are so freaking damned good that you can order people around, then pay the consequence that I would not come to your freaking rescue when you need it. If you are weak, SHOW that you're weak. Then it makes sense. If you want to be all dominant, why would anyone "help" you.

Understand the ways of life.

Understand that, so what it is family?I think God makes a better father. WAY better. Family are made up of broken people like you and I who are willing to help each other out healing our brokeneness. Even if the brokeness can't be healed, family is the place we find solace.

And in any case, when I say solace it means, ACCEPTING people's faults. Not scrutinize and try to change them. Face it, you are not God. You can't change a person. At least not by screaming at them. Besides accepting it, it also entails EMBRACING it. To work out something together. NOT scream and expect the person to change. It doesn't happen. Psychology 101 should tell you that.

And in any case, in an ironic turn of events, some of my "bad habits" seem to be rooted in you! You were the one who thinks friends are unimportant. Instead of helping me see your point, which may have made a vast of difference, yopu try to scream it into my head. FINE. I will find my own friends.

Before anyone starts saying how family is supposingly 100% reliable, I must first say, a) family is make up of people who are sinful and broken, how can they be 100% reliable? And b) Look at my mum and dad. Goodness. As a comparison, maybe some of my friends are more reliable that them.

One last thing, don't ever compare sufferings. I suggest you go read more books. C S Lewis once said something on that line that pain cannot be measured. There is no SI uni for pain. You can't say that because I have been through XYZ and you have only gone through XY therefore I suffer more pain than you. Becoz everyone is made differently and they deal with sufferings differently. The same person can deal with the same incident but feel different degrees of pain. A person may feel that the same incident is nothing but to B person it feels like the world to them. So my point, don't come around saying you suffered more than me. The theory doesn't stand.

And btw, don't ever stop trying to make me not follow my heart. Becoz I can't and won't do it. And yes, the more you scream the more I wanna go bible college as an act of rebellion. I think studying the bible is fun.

And I love my biology and my history/political science and these are the things that I would do for uni. I don't care what you are gonna to say.

Coz this is MY life.

You have no right.

102

2008-03-19T00:05:00.002+08:00

102 is a nice number as well =). Coz 1 then 2, running order.

I seem to have very whacked theories! But whatever.

--

Woke up this morning at 7 due to Woodgrove Pri calling me to relief teach. Well, the bad part is my interrupted sleep (which I regained when I got home), the good part is that it's 65 bucks without doing anything besides telling brats to shut up. If you ask me, it's free money. MUAHAHA =)

--

Birthday!

Whee!

Let's see the birthday wishes I have until now:

Sarah Couz : Happy Bdae (Coz I forced her to say it..HEHE)
Quan: Sheng Ri Quai Le @ 12am sharp (PURRFECT timing)
June: Happy Bdae Jessie. P.S Am I the 1st one? (Sorry no.) and I chose MSN to save $ (Whatever)
Siyi (via SMS) : Happy Birthday to you. Now that you're 19 years, don't act like you are 19 months! :P (I am MATURE can. I think you are the one who's acting 19 mths..)
Tzening(Via overseas phone call..bills. gosh): Happy Birthday. Then we caught up a little.
Noel: Happy happy day! (Happy day? I do believe you mean happy birthday!

M. Will update again tomorrow =)
I need to collate the birthday list to feel loved. HA.
I think the relief teaching job is God's Bdae gift for me. Em. Would there be more?
Dad's getting me a new phone tomorrow. W910i HERE I COME!
--

I think. Sometimes we should really give in to God's timing.
Even when we are doing God's work.
To know sometimes even if we bring His Word to the people, we may not get the favourable reponse.
To know that even so, the seed had been sowed
To know that we are in His will
To know that He will do the rest
Although we don't see it.

--

Random

2008-03-17T14:39:00.003+08:00

Post 101. 101 is a nice number because it is palindromic. Ie: It reads the same forwards and backwards. =)

I got this feeling this blogpost will be like Post 100, a little random, but whatever. It's MY blog anyway.

--

Things I have to do
1.Attempt to apply for aid from the unis. The NTU bursary is like $3000 max,IU have having second thoughts about applying for that -__-
2. Write my BB letter ASAP
3. Mail out the PSC stuff and the SMU stuff (I swear I'm gonna miss the deadline for PSC soon)
4. Pack my room before my birthday. Neat places make Jessie happy.
5. Apply for warranty for Mummy's phone
6. Get my new phone (W910i! Swoons)

Okay thereabts.

--

My shoe broke while I was walking to church.

Yes. I made an absolute fool out of myself in church. Imagine DRAGGING your feet whereever you go, having your friends accompany you to take the lift coz you can't take the freaking stairs. What a memory -_-

The only few good things that came out of it was that a) I had friends who helped. Not scorned at my predicament. b) I managed to borrow a pairs of slippers from the nursery to walk to Greenridge so I did not have to embrass myself outside church. c) I got a cheap replacement slippers from the GreeenRidge shop at $9.70. d) I had a nice lunch with Perazim and Jessica.

Okay, they say count your blessings right.

So it turns out my shoe incident isn't that bad afterall *grins*

--

Yes. Out of my kind compassion (what's with the nonchalancy, Jess), I bought mum a new phone. And mum paid me back anyway. A nice samsung phone that is light, pretty and user friendly. It was 130 bucks, but I decided to tell Mum it was 100+ so she gave me 110 instead.

Well, the 20 bucks is worth it considering that we are not cold waring anymore (Joy!)

Then again, becoz I have to pay SMU admin fees by cheque, Mum has to pay. So it kinda equals up.

--

"我的声音在笑泪在飙电话那头的你可知道
世界若是那麽大为何我要忘你无处逃
我的声音在笑泪在飙电话那头的你可知道
世界若是那麽小为何我的真心你听不到"

Sometimes I am amazed by how close to truth this chorus is.
Well since this is an open blog, it shall remain like that.

--
I don't see why Irene can think of Ying as Kel. They sound so freaking different.

I think I can make a better impersonation. =)

--

"我和我最后的倔强握紧双手绝对不放
下一站是不是天堂就算失望不能绝望
我和我骄傲的倔强我在风中大声的唱
这一次为自己疯狂就这一次我和我的倔强
"

Pieces of Mind

2008-03-14T17:15:00.004+08:00

Post 100!

Can't believe I have had this blog for like 2 years now? Pretty amazing. Anyway, *pts to new blog skin* of Final Fantasy starring Cloud & Tifa. Credits to whoever at Blogskin for such a beautiful skin. Pretty ain't it! I wanted a Kuchiki Byakuay skin but somehow nobody made one that is up to my rather, high expectations.

Anyways. For people who are curious about what I have been up to since I stopped working since 15 Feb 2008, I have generally being slacking.

Books I have read over this month:
What's So Amazing About Grace - Philip Yancey
The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho
Boy Meets Girl - Joshua Harris
The Tale of 3 Kings - Can't Rmb Author
The 12 that changed the world - Can't Rmb Author either

Currently reading:
Love in The Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez (1/4 into the book.)

Books I borrowed from lib that I should be reading soon:
Veronika Decides to Die - Paulo Coelho
The Zahir - Paulo Coelho

Books I have bought that are sitting on my bookshelf that ought to be read:
Disappointment With God - Philip Yancey
What is God when it hurts - Philip Yancey
What Jesus Demands From the World - John Piper
Listen to Me Satan - Annacodia

Books that I am gonna return to the library later becoz I have no time/interest to read them anymore:
How to Hear from God - Joyce Meyer
Beyond Jabez - Bruce Wiilkinson

Books that I want to read (despite a whole long waiting list)
Wuthering Heights - Charlotte Bronte
Pride & Prejudice - Jane Austen
Sense & Sensibility - Jane Austen
A Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Memory Keeper's Daughter - Kim Edwards
Paulo Coehlo books.
Ancient Mythology (Aaa... I forgot to bring Sarah's books home)
PS I love you - Cecelia Adhern (Well, that must be after DL's done before people accuse me of plagiarism)

I should read more lit books when I have the time and mood. Before I sound extremely ignorant in front of people.

Lit books are good for me to improve my English as well.

I am a book worm.

Nerd.

Geek.

Call me whatever you want.

But I did went out as well aka I have a life.
Tues: Met Quan and ALF
Weds: Met Siyi and the MT pple
Thurs: Had bowling and lunch with Joseph
Fri: Had lunch with Sysmex people
Sat: NUS open house with Siyi, the dinner with Brian and TIm
Sun: Church

See. I have a life.

--

Anyways. Bdae's 5 days, 19 March. Yes. I am turning 19 on 19 March. 19 on the 19 March. What a nice ring to it! The last teen year as well =) And yes, to all you people who are currently scratching your heads on what you are intending to give me, my birthday wish list!

Jessie's Birthday Wishlist

1. A good mp3 player
2. A new phone (M. I think I can bribe Dad on this)
3. Books (Yes. I am a nerd)
4. Cds (Heh. Mayday, FIR for Chinese. English I want nice alternative music, acoustic music, that sort =))
5. Nice Notebooks (Coz they are pretty to look at)
6. Jewellery (Yep. Risa got me ear rings. Wheeness. But no girl will think that there ain't enough jewellery)
7. New wallet (long ones please)
8. A laptop (LOL)
9. Soft Toys (if you really run out things to buy.. But i already have a lot la)
10. Bleach Merchandises (Byakuya-sama!)
11. Clothes
12. Cake with candles.
13. Shades
14. Money also can =)

Strictly NO photoframes. I hate them coz I don't put up photos.

Oh. And thanks to people who already gave me my bdae pressies:
Sarah Couz - Thankies for Kiwi. It's freaking adorable.
Irene Honey - Thanks for the necklace =) The ring's pretty!
Siyi - You said you got me my present. So ya. Thanks first lor.
Risa - I don't think you know it's my bdae but in any case. I loves the earings. I shal wear is the next time I see you. HEH.

And anyone who's intending to send/buy me presents, ARIGATO!

=)

--

Someone should whip me into editing my PSC essay before I miss the deadline.

A level results aren't spectacular. I was expecting 4As. But I guess I would't complain if I get into Law School.

Got my other apps done except SMU and PSC. Sighs.

Siyi should stop tempting me about University of Sydney. My mum won't pay for it. But I think the IR & Law double degree is uber fun.

--

My darn sound system is screwed. I can't listen to music properly with my com now.

--

I need a job for cash.

And to kill time and have a life.

Work that I wanna try before I die
1. Baristas at Coffee Bean/ Starbucks
2. Cd Shop
3. Book Store

I wanna do community work too. Hang on. I am serving at 12th now anyway. Maybe dealing with kids? But my schedule's pretty packed. Let's see.

But anyways. Job hunting begins next week. Any interesting jobs for me?

--

I need to be in tune with Politics and Current Affairs because a) I have a law school interview and b) I wanna be informed. I like to know what's going 'round about me. Sheesh. And I stopped subscribing to TIME already. Then again, I was never a big TIME fan. I like The Economist more. The articles speak more to me.

Hm. National Geographic has nice articles too.

So does Scientific American.

Nahz. Just The Economist will make me happy. Mum will kill me if I order too many mags and NOT read them.

--

Mum and I are at Cold War still. For the past week or so.

It was something to do with me coming home late I think. Ark.

--

I have decided to discontinue Linger for the time being. Will be deleting the fic once the review comes in. I will keep a soft copy of the story in my com though.

Will be concentrating on DL and PP though.

--

I wanna meet Esther up one of these days to check. Gosh. When was the last time I met her? Last year. And SHOOTS. I haven't bought her a birthday present. I better take that down.

I haven't passed Gareth his either. His Xmas + Bdae 2-in-1 present.

OH OH. Noel as well. But would I be meeting him soon? *ponders*

--

Sheesh. Haven't done QT in 2 days. Someone kick me. All these going out is killing me QT (Wait. I think it's MY fault for not doing QT) Okay. I will go pray immediately when I am done with this.

--

Do you guys actually understand this post? Ha. There's a reason why it is called Pieces of Mind. Yes with the S. =)

--

History

2008-03-06T00:07:00.002+08:00

History - Matthew West

Its been a bad day, you've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it's hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory

Chorus:
Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So leave it all behind you
Let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history

You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way

Repeat chorus

Yeah Yeah

Would you believe that you are history
In the making, in the making
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making
History is in the making

Repeat chorus

Yeah yeah
Oh history is in the making

Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making
History is in the making

--

A little commentary from West himself:

Philippians 3:13-14, 1 Timothy 1:12-17
'Everyone's past is filled with imperfections. The scriptures say, "...All have sinned..." But the second we recognize how much we need forgiveness and ask God for His grace to save us, it's done. Now if you're anything like me, that seems to be only half the battle. For me, the hardest part is forgiving myself. The mistakes I've made try to haunt me, follow me and remind me that I'm no good. The failures of yesterday become the regrets of today; the regrets of today become the discouragement of tomorrow, and before you know it, the future starts looking more and more like the past. The Bible speaks clearly to all of us sinners, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-and I was the worst of them all (1 Timothy 1:15)." It's that simple, we're saved. All that stuff that we used to wear around our hearts like a two-ton weight, that's all history now. But the story doesn't end there. God's love can make history of your past. He forgives and forgets. Now it's time to move forward into a life of grace. Because, the truth is, God isn't done with you yet. Your life from here on out, starting with the next breath you breathe, is history in the making! What if we lived every single second ready and willing for God to do something great with our lives? This entire project is for anyone who has ever made a mistake. God's grace can forgive you. It's up to you to forgive yourself. The crazy thing is, even as I write this, and even as you read this, history is in the making!' - Matthew West

Excerpts

2008-02-22T13:18:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really admire Kubo Tite. The type of insights that he provides in Bleach. Well the only problem with epi 160 is that the fight scene really that intense. But that's basically about it.

Excerpts from 160.
--
Kaien: Kuchiki, have you heard our Captain's view on life?
Kuchiki: No
Kaien: There are two types of battles.Battles to protect your life and battles to protect your pride But that's Captain Ukitake's opinion.But personally, Kuchiki, I think in the end you are protecting the exact same thing
Kuchiki: Which is?
Kaien: Your heart.

--
Kaien: Our hearts are not inside our bodies. When we think of something, or care about someone, that is where our hearts are born. If you were the only person in the entire world , then your heart wouldn't be anywhere--Kaien: If you wish with all your hearts to stay here, then your heart will remain here.

--
Kaien :
Listen Kuchiki, in the fights to come, there's one thing you must never ever do.
Don't die alone.
Our bodies are souls themselves. When we die, our bodies turn to dust and become the spirit particles that form Soul Society. Where will our hearts go then?
(So) We entrust our hearts to our friends. If you entrust it to your friends, it will continue to live on inside of them.
So Kuchiki, don't you dare die alone.
--

Emo.

2008-02-09T16:06:00.001+08:00

I can't believe I am emo-ing under the hot sunny Singapore afternoon sun. But I really am. And at this rate I am going, I think iI am going to udergo depression soon.

You see, based on the advice given by my dearest relatives and friends, I have begun scouting for scholarships and courses and the more I looka at it the more depressed I am. No, not because I am inconfident of results (well the fact ois true and is not currently my main cause of distress) but rather, I suddently realize how meaningless life is.

So I have this really long holiday now, and then I am going to apply for university, then I go out to work. And I work and I work, then suddenly become old and then I die. That's how my life's gonna be. Does anyone see how depressing this is? You work and then you die. You work so you get the money but you are so occupied with work 5 days a week, (or maybe 7) then how are you foing to spend the money? Why does life sound so freaking meaningless now?

Work.. work.. work.. die.

What type of life is this?

Does anyone share my pain?

Note on Blog Skin

2008-02-07T15:17:00.000+08:00

Aye Aye. New blogskin. Not exactly spectcular, but this will do until I get one that I am personally satisfied with. For now, at least it's Byakuya. LOL =) Not that I really like this picture of his (I have seen way better ones) but without a) Photoshop and b) Time and c)Patience, I am kinda reduced to make do unless some kind (and bored) soul decides to make me a nice Byakuya one. =)

Maybe I will update someone when I find the patience again. Hehe. Till then, see yer!

Lyrics

2008-01-27T16:35:00.000+08:00

A pretty old song but nice =) There's something about the lyrics that captivates me once again.

梁静茹--燕尾蝶

兴高采烈的破蛹
华丽新生的冲动
寻找灿烂天地美梦
主宰爱情的是谁奋不顾身的扑火
就算轮回只为衬托
你笑你哭你的动作
都是我的圣经珍惜的背颂
我喜我悲我的生活
为你放弃自由要为你左右

你是火
你是风
你是织网的恶魔
破碎的燕尾蝶还作最后的美梦
你是火
你是风
你是天使的诱惑
让我作燕尾蝶拥抱最后的美梦
让我短暂快乐
很感动

兴高采烈的破蛹
重获新生的冲动
寻找爱情世界美梦
既然不是毛毛虫就要壮烈的扑火
短暂青春要像烟火
此生此爱此刻挥霍
挥霍我的色彩在你的天空
你想你说你要我做其实我很快乐
全都因为

你是火
你是风
你是织网的恶魔
破碎的燕尾蝶还作最后的美梦
你是火
你是风
你是天使的诱惑
让我作燕尾蝶拥抱最后的美梦
让我短暂快乐
很感动

Chinese lyrics =)

2007-12-03T00:12:00.000+08:00

It's SHE. But I really like the lyrics. So here goes. We need some chinese once in a while, no?

S.H.E:谢谢你如此温柔

捧着爱情静静等候

我的双手其实同样在颤抖

但我能给你什么

我只是一个他遗忘的我

心被一扫而空

我会把你种在我心中

也许某天会终于再次长出一个梦

飞轮海:不知道

不明了

不想要

为什么

我的心

明明是想靠近

却孤单到黎明

不知道

不明了

不想要

为什么

我的心

那爱情的绮丽

总是在孤单里

再把我的最好的爱给你

S.H.E:谢谢你如此温柔

点着笑容的灯火

只温暖而不打扰我的寒冬

还没决定往哪走

才所以不能答应你陪我

怕你会变成我

我会把你种在我心中

也许某天会终于再次长出一个梦

飞轮海:不知道

不明了

不想要

为什么

我的心

明明是想靠近

却孤单到黎明

不知道

不明了

不想要

为什么

我的心

那爱情的绮丽

总是在孤单里

再把我的最好的爱给你

飞轮海:不知道

不明了

不想要

为什么

我的心

明明是想靠近

却孤单到黎明

不知道

不明了

不想要

为什么

我的心

那爱情的绮丽

总是在孤单里

再把我的最好的爱给你

S.H.E:谢谢你如此温柔

点着笑容的灯火

只温暖而不打扰我的寒冬

还没决定往哪走

才所以不能答应你陪我

怕你会变成我

A little note on Secret

2007-12-01T00:06:00.000+08:00

Watched Jay Chou’s secret.

It was like a dream come true.

I am not talking about seeing Jay Chou silver screen, that’s too teeny booper for me. It’s about the plot. As usual, I shall not spoil the plot for anyone who hasn’t watched it yet. As I have read one review, it is indeed a little too unrealistic. But the thing is, that was something I wanted to wtrite since I was… Sec 2? The whole concept. I always wanted to play with that has to do with time, to do with love. Coupled with piano. It’s plain beautiful.

After I finished the show I was just left staring into space for a while. I really really must thank Jay Chou for producing such a film for just bringing my dream plot into silver screen.

More than that, I really loved the settings. The school, the houses and all. They are so dreamy. Unrealistic yes I agree, but that’s what I really want to be. I mean when you read nadd write, there is something called realistic fiction but there is almost the imaginative one. The one that brings you to another world of your own.. This is what the show it.

I don’t love this show like some teeny booper but I am just so glad that someone actually could put the picture in my head into a real movie.

I wished I watched the show in a real cinema.

Time

2007-11-18T02:04:00.000+08:00

It's being strange. People around me have been strange. My life has been strange.

But let's not talk about it today.

Today the few of us had a great time. Imagine playing Bluff in the Woodlands Library and keeping a 24/7 lookout for the "monster" that would come and possibly chase us away. I never laughed so much in a day before I think. It wasn't like something very funny happened and people kept repeating it. It was this constant flow of joy going around - while we are studying biology. Yes, we indeed spend a lot of talking instead of looking at our books and memorizing our facts. But still, I just so enjoy being the spectator.

I am not the cause of the laughter, the two of them are, but I just enjoy the laughter. There was something so comfortable today that I cannot put a finger to explain what is so comfortable.it's like, you are keep quiet and just listen and actually know hat you are not outcasted, or forgotten. In any case, there is just too much laughter to even remember anything about ostracism.

These days, I feel as though I a living a dream. I remembered just a couple of years ago where I was trying to hard to fit in and whatever I tried did not seem to work at all. I was just the odd one out. I keep feeling that I was an outcast, somehow iI just don't fir in anything that they were talking about. I remember longing for friends to hang out with, to shop with , just like any other teenager I thought I knew. And I remembered vividly that I never had them. It was like a faraway dream. So, after a while, i just gave up and succumb to the fact that I was just different and will never fit in.

But this came.

Vene last year it wasn't as dreamy as now. I have study buddies. I actually have more than one people asking me to go out on the same day. Suddenly I have friends. I admit there are still people who don't reallly like me, but I actually had friends. People who I really can hang out with. I have been studying with a logn of people recently and it's just so amazing being around people. Is it a manifestation of the pure S characteristic. Indeed, S, while it stands for structured, it also stood for Social. But in any case, I have yet to fanthom the fact that iwas part of something. I don't know how to put it across in words, it's like, something that you already gieven up trying to have and it just comes to you, so suddenly, so subtle. I don't know wher it begun, but I only knew it when the process was completed.And I am awestruck.

I have no idea how to reconcillate everything. I am just really happy. Really satisifed.

On second thoughts, maybe the reason why I feel so much at ease at being a spectator is because I am just born like this. This is true me. I never believed the noisy me is a real reflection of me. It’s the me now, the one that is typing, the one that just enjoy a good book and coffee and company of good friends, that is really me. Don’t ask me how to explain the apparent bipolarity I see in my behaviour , I have no answer only some conjectures. Perhaps, and just perhaps, my noisy talkative self is a consequence of the places I live in. As long as I am surrounded with people that I feel more domineering to, I start yaking and once there are people who are noisier than me, I just keep quiet. I don’t know whether people know, but there are days where I am just too tired to keep talking and I still talk because people expect that from her me. And usually it’s those days that I get into trouble with my mouth. Or maybe, I am just too tired, like now, it’s almost 2am, and the fatigue causes me to choose the quieter side.

But for me, right now, at this mode, I really just want to go out with someone and look at the starts (if there is any) tonight. I wish I didn’t have a curfew and I can stay out all night, then I will sit by the road and stare into the sky. I wish I have a soul mate who can do that with me and both of us can sit under the starlight. We speak sometimes about life and sometimes we just keep silent, enjoying each other’s company.

I am such an idealist.

While listening to Jay Chou’s new album one of the song had a line like this,

而我已经分不清你是友情 9 E/ j: \! q- U1 g3 G1 f: z& ^0 f
还是错过的爱情

To translate that it means, I can’t differentiate whether our relationship is of friendship or love that was missed. And I guess it pretty much sums up everything that I am going through about you-know-who. We lost touch, pretty much. But we are still friends. First I rejected his request for prom table, because I felt weird, That was like the last proper conversation that we had besides hi-byes and good luck for your paper. The relationship is so light now that sometimes I also don’t know what I should feel.

The things I have been through with him, it’s so bittersweet. Midnight calls, night bus rides. He’s probably the only guy that saw me in the lyrical state and my inner female which I have so conveniently shoved aside in my daily life. I think he was the only guy whom I called when I cried. The only guy that I was mean enough to hang up the phone on simply because I was pissed and angry. And yet he was the only guy who had the patience to lead me through everything. Sometimes I wonder why we aren’t together after so long. Sometimes I get jealous when he gets close to other girls. Sometimes I get jealous when my friends are getting attached. But perhaps, at this rate I am going, I would never know whether he did only out of kindness or whether he really had a soft spot for me. I guess it really doesn’t matter now.

I am just glad that I am no longer jittery upon hearing his name. Neither am I overly concerned about his every single move.

也许时间是一种解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药

Just lyrics

2007-10-27T23:56:00.000+08:00

I realized that there are some lyrics that I loved and have never posted them here before. So here goes two =)

Five for Fighting - Superman
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right...you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

Its not easy to be me

Howie Day - Collide
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

On Writing

2007-10-22T23:05:00.001+08:00

Writing is addictive, I swear. I think it’s the rain too. It makes people think. Or makes ME think. Actually, on retrospect, I am always writing. When I was 13, I wrote fan fiction. I wrote stories because I just love imagining things and penning this imaginations down. By Secondary Three, all these had stopped. I guessed I told some form of author’s break. I was writing fan fictions here and there but my relationships outside of the computer was taking up a lot of my time. In J1 I took up writing again, but this time on insights that He gives me. In the midst of it all, I guess writing was and is still one of the tools I used to express my own emotions.

Why do we actually write? For me it’s always that spark of inspiration, it’s like the “Muse” that grips me and I just start pouring out all that is on my mind. It’s a temptation that I really cannot resist and even the notion of typing every single word out, the sound of the keyboards banging, the appearance of every single letter of the screen just captivates my soul. It’s like some form of movie where every frame just come together to form a perfect tapetry of meaning and flow.

I have to admit that sometimes my writings surprise me. When that spark of inspiration came, it feels as though it is not me writing anymore, it’s like some other being took over me. The words just flow, even the punctuation falls right into place. The next day when I re read what I wrote, I wonder who did such a wonderous piece of work. It really did not feel like me. When I write, like now, my mind becomes so clear. A friend once commented that some of my writings are so clear that anyone who reads it gets the meaning. But the state of clarity at the point of time was an unknown stranger to me. I have no idea how come my writings come across clear, I don’t go around but Ex and Ev and force myself into a structure of sorts. I just write. The structure just comes in. And I enjoy this whole short circuiting process, it made writing seem like magic.

Well I don’t think I can write professional or write a full fledged novel. For me, when the muse disappear, it disappear. When I have nothing to write means I have nothing to write, it is nearly impossible for me to squeeze something nice and creative when Mr (I choose make it a guy) “Muse” doesn’t visit me. Moreover, I doubt I have the patience to write 100+ pages of words. A short story collection maybe, but not a full fledge novel.

Speaking of novels, I cannot stand most novels recently. They all sound the same. Some examples include, a Hero saves the world (and the lady), a couple splits and gets back again, a teenage girl struggling with her teenage issues and there is always the S-E-X component in it. It is so prevalent that sometimes I wonder if man is so deprived of it that he has to seek it from books. But obviously, I know that the truth is the contrary. It’s so hard to find a novel that surprises me. Maybe that is why I am turning into non fiction nowadays, non fiction enlightens me. I feel as though I have learnt something. Moreover the correct non fiction books are thousand times more interesting that a teenage girl with multiple sex partners.

In conclusion (the conclusion is beginning to sound like a GP essay, catch the pun?), I love writing and and I guess I will always do. But I don’t believe in writing for people to see. I usually write for no audience in particular but if you stumble by, you are always welcome to read =)

On GP

2007-10-22T22:42:00.000+08:00

I was telling Sarah that I should really continue writing before my flair flies away. You know, long periods of non-writing exercises really kills your language standards. So I guess I shall blog everyday just for the sake of making sure that what I feel can come out naturally and smoothly on 31.10.2007. That’s D Day for GP. I really want an A for GP. I think I can do it.

When I compare myself with the other GP powerhouse around me and wonder hy am I always a high C, I realised something in common that these powerhouses had. They were passionate. They believed in the causes they were writing about, they actually FEEL about the issue. It is really hard to explain to some of my friends about this. They claim that Jessie is good in GP because she has good language or Jessie is good in GP because she has a lot of evidence.

But really, it is not the main point of the subject. If pure evidence can suffice in a GP essay, I don’t think the paper should be called General Paper, it should be called CURRENT AFFAIRS instead and it should be tested in the biology format. What happened in Pakistan? What happened in UN? And it would be like another science subject which we memorise and regurgitate.

I am surprised it took me this long to find out the true essence of what General Paper is. It’s really about reacting to the world around us. It’s not a contest of who knows more but rather, a test of whether do we really care. As a history student taught by the ever-so-great Mr Ngoei, I am being well fed about the rules of the world. In colloquial terms it means, US owns the world, Nukes are the best, this world sucks. Well I have a lot to thank for sir for teaching us so much, EU CAP, Kashmir, IMF, WB etc etc but I realised I never reacted to these things. To me it’s always like, The IMF is bad to poor countries and this is how they do it. What do I feel about this actions? Am I really that consigned to fate? Or do I, like very other empathetic Singaporean out there, not care? It seems that to me, it’s all facts and facts.

What do I really feel? It’s pretty scary to know that after dealing with so much inequalities of the world, I actually do not feel any compulsion to do something about it. Perhaps it is because I am too happy in this developed world that these poor people’s suffering are just too distant to me.

Then how about like education? At least my friends actually hate the Singapore education system. Hate is an emotion. I feel like emotionless being, ask me about the education system and I will tell you that it has it’s good points and it’s bad points, it’s suited for some people and it’s not suited for others. Ask me how I feel about the education system then, then I will pause and probably tell you in an embarrassed tone that it is good and I think I do well in a education system like that. I don’t understand why I am embrassed .My conjecture is probably that because everyone around hate the Singapore education system and I will so unwilling to be on “the other side”

But frankly, what’s so bad about having an alternative opinion. It’s not like it would kill me or something. Conformity vers Liberity. Do we live in this world that is seemingly more liberated but we have put new conformities within ourselves? It seems that around me people are more interested in fitting the crowd than to really care about how they react within themselves. I think I have fallen into the trap too. I think I lost myself in the wealth of knowledge. The more I learn, the more stoned I get. The more emotionless I became.

I guess I have to use my heart and listen to my own voice more. I guess I have to really react to the issues around me, to grasp the concept of being part of this world.

A prayer

2007-10-20T15:49:00.000+08:00

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Random Scribbles.

2007-10-05T00:33:00.000+08:00

Why do we press on?
Because we hope.
For hope is planted in the future
For hope stems from belief
And belief comes from
Stretching your hand into the darkness
And walking on unknown waters

It may turn out right
It may turn out not
But that is what life is.
Life without risks is not a life.
Life without failures is not life.
Life without tears is not a life
Life without failures is not a life.

For life is the the wonderful tapestry
Of tears and joy
Of victories and failures
Of highs and lows

It is the grief that makes joy more valuable
It is the failures that makes victories so sweet
It is the darkness that makes light so bright

And
It is in going down that we learn to go up
It is in losing that we learn how to treasure
It is in weakness that we learn how to be strong

It is in Him that I learn
Who I really am inside.

Today's Thoughts

2007-08-12T19:55:00.000+08:00

I learnt today,
God never forces us to accept Him
He gave us a choice,
We can choose Him or the world,
But the beauty is,
He will always be there
He will always be faithfully waiting for the moment when we finally choose Him

I chose to worship
I chose to love,
the most important is,
I chose God.

Not because He forced me into it
Not because of His gifts
But because He loved me.

I asked God today,
Why did you give me so many gifts
I dare not say I am one with many gifts
But I do have a few
But still,
God why don't you take away all of them
So that I can fully depend on You

And He revealed to me in a song,
You called me to Your purpose
As angels understand
For your glory
May you draw all men
As Your love and grace demands

Made to Worship

2007-08-12T19:51:00.000+08:00

Made to Worship - Chris Tomlin

Before the day
Before the light
Before the world revolved around the sun
God on high
Stepped down into time
And wrote the story of His love for everyone

He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we always remember

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be

All we are
And all we have
Is all a gift from God that we receive
Brought to life
We open up our eyes
To see the majesty and glory of the King

He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we always remember

And even the rocks cry out
And even the Heavens shout
At the sound of His holy name
So let every voice sing out
And let every knee bow down
He is worthy of all our praise

Life. Beautiful

2007-07-16T00:19:00.000+08:00

I should be sleeping. But here's a very.. nice song.

Life is Beautiful - Vega 4

Life is beautiful
We love until we die

When you run into my arms,
We steal a perfect moment.
Let the monsters see you smile,
Let them see you smiling.

Do I hold you too tightly?
When will the hurt kick in?

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

Yeah, life is beautiful.
Our hearts, they beat and break.

When you run away from harm,
Will you run back into my arms,
Like you did when you were young?
Will you come back to me?

I will hold you tightly
When the hurting kicks in.

Stand where you are.
We let all these moments pass us by.

It's amazing where I'm standing,
There's a lot that we can give.
It's just ours just for a moment.
There's a lot that we can give.

Craving

2007-07-15T00:08:00.000+08:00

I never knew you can crave for a sound.

I think it's the aftermath of listening to it too much.

Like I am addicted the the taste of milk tea and candy,

I realised,

I am craving for the sound of the acoustic guitar =)

Two Emo Songs

2007-07-14T21:02:00.000+08:00

No implications. Just felt like posting them up =)

Signal Fire - Snow Patrol

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I won't wait forever(2x)

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes

The Ghost of A Good Thing - Dashboard Confessional

I guess it's luck, but it's the same
Hard luck, you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love, but it's like you said,
"Love is like a role that we play."

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts

Just bend the pieces til they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren't meant for this
No, they weren't meant for this